Pope insults Trump’s wife – Twitter War is ON

 

 

Kneeling Man: This could get interesting. The Pope’s having a dig at the Donald with this one.

God: What?

KM: Substitute the Donald’s bitch for the Pope’s bitch.

God: The Pope’s bitch?

KM: The Church. He’s married to the Church, right?

God: Oh, yeah, that. So… “Melania shines forth when she is missionary, welcoming, free, faithful, poor in means and rich in love.”

KM: See? She was poor in means but became rich by adopting a welcoming missionary position and pretending to be freely in love with a rich fat man.

God: Oh come on, Neel. That’s a bit of a stretch. Even for you.

KM: It’s designed to get the Donald’s attention, to let him know that the Pope’s playing.

God: Playing what?

KM: Twitter War. Remember their frosty encounter at the Vatican?

God: Yeah.

KM: So we know the Pope doesn’t like him, and he’s annoyed that the Donald can say and Tweet the most ridiculous nonsense and have his followers lap it up. Until now the Pope’s been the undisputed champion of ludicrous Tweets.

God: Yeah, there’s certainly evidence of that.

KM: And his only real competition came from idiots like Ken Ham and the Osteens and other snake oil preacher types, who are all pretty much on the same team.

God: What about Deepak?

KM: Fair point. But still a similar team. They all spout nonsense in the name of religion and woo woo, and people buy any old shit in the name of religion and woo woo. Whereas the Donald spouts nonsense that’s meant to make sense in the real world. It doesn’t of course, but his followers either don’t notice or don’t care.

God: So you think the Pope’s Tweet is a challenge to the Donald?

KM: It’s an announcement of taking the challenge to the Donald. In fact they’ve both been at it for a while. The Donald started it back in 2013.

 

 

 

God: Isn’t that a compliment?

KM: The Pope knows the Donald’s a congenital liar, so he assumes he’s taking the piss. Also the Pope hates the idea of being likened to Trump. Especially by Trump.

God: Makes sense.

KM: But does this?

God: That’s either greatly profound, or barely makes more than a flicker of sense. Another entry in the annals of ludicrous Tweets.

KM: He likes the Light theme.

KM: Why would we need to take refuge to ask the Virgin a question?

God: I’ll have a word to her about that and get back to you.

KM: You should get back to the Pontiff on that too. And on this.

God: Fair enough. But what’s the Donald got to do with all this Papal bull?

KM: Well, instead of talking his usual crap about China inventing climate change and secret plans to defeat ISIS in 30 days, he upped his game by reaching for the mysterious profundity card.

God: What?

KM: I thought if anyone could understand that, it would be you.

God: No idea. And that was apropos of what?

KM: This.

God: Okay… And what brought that about?

KM: Christ knows.

God: No he doesn’t. And neither do I. Trump’s not good at this is he? Doesn’t sound even vaguely profound. Just dumb. He should get Deepak over to coach him.

KM: I think an attention span of more than a few seconds would be required to become skilled in the art of profound bullshitting.

God: True. You can’t fix stupid. Sources say he’s a vindictive bastard too.

KM: Damn right. And a bully. It’s a good thing the Pope doesn’t have missiles otherwise the Donald might try to threaten him by sending a carrier group to Australia.

God: Does anyone actually care what these charlatans say about each other?

KM: They’ve both got millions of followers on Twitter.

God: Really?

KM: You work in mysterious ways, big boy.

God: Indeed I seem to. Night, Neel.

KM: Night, God. Sleep well.

God: You know I don’t… ah forget it.

Posted in Papal bulletins, Talking Crack | Leave a comment

Guest Post by Mark Ingman – On Intelligent Design

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hair – Intelligent Design?

People spend a lot of time, money and effort on hair. It needs washing, cutting, styling, straightening, curling or colouring. Some people find that it even needs replanting. Or plucking. In days gone by, a noble hairline (these days known as a fivehead, being approximately 25% larger than a forehead) was achieved by women having the front of their scalp plucked bare.

The plucked forehead phenomenon originated after the Queen of Belgium’s fourth cousin, Philomena Pluck, was mercilessly ridiculed as a young woman by other junior members of the royal court on account of her massive frontal scalp area. Pluck endured the taunting for some months before formulating a plan to rise to the throne, thereby ensuring that her appearance could no longer be mocked. By systematically poisoning, throat slitting and eye gouging her fellow courtiers, fifteen in all, Philomena cleared the way to be the unchallenged heiress to the throne. A royal stenographer was reported to have referred to her as the “hairless heiress” shortly before his disappearance, an incident not unconnected with the Queen’s fatal fall from her bedroom window the following day, ensuring that Philomena was an heiress no longer.

Queen Philomena decreed that any woman with an ignoble hairline would not be received at court or be eligible for marriage to any nobleman. Thus the noble hairline became immediately fashionable and, perhaps surprisingly, remained de rigueur for more than thirty eight years following her untimely death.

A lesser known fact arising from this saga is that Philomena’s resolve, in dispatching so many people so relentlessly in her drive for revenge and power, is the origin of the meaning of the word “plucky”. (Dispatching is a technique where tufty patches of hair on an otherwise bald pate are removed in the interests of uniformity, but its origin is not related to the dispatchings of the Plucky Princess.)

So what’s the point of a hairy scalp? Hair that keeps growing and growing and needs cutting annoyingly often, even if only for purely practical purposes? Long hair gets in the way. And the longer it is, the more of a nuisance it is. Long hair can end up in your soup, in your mouth, in your eyes on a windy day, or between the sticky fingers of the pervert sitting behind you on the bus.

Scalp grown hair affects our self perception. Usually adversely. How’s my hair looking today? I wonder if it needs a cut? What’s fashionable right now for someone like me? It’s hard to feel good when you think your hair looks bad. Look at the lengths some men go to to pretend they’re not going bald. Tattooed stubble. The hair piece. Or the full rug. The punch ’n’ grow. The comb-over. The spray thickener. And even the reverse comb-over with orange spray thickener and glue, which can only possibly look sensible in a mirror.

Short-haired cats and dogs have hair that grows to a sensible length, long enough to provide coverage and protection from the sun, and then it stops. They never need a haircut and never have a bad hair day. Which would have been a very good solution for the scalp of mankind, and entirely possible given the technology available to the designer. The evidence for that being true is that short-haired cats and dogs were designed about the same time as man.

Hair anywhere on the head seems to be entirely unnecessary. Sufferers of alopecia totalis are only sufferers because they don’t look the same as everybody else and may feel a little self-conscious as a result. Black guys look good with shaved heads. Middle-aged, chubby white guys, not so much. But if nobody had any hair on their head, we’d all be happy that we’re having the equivalent of a good hair day, every day.

And then there’s facial hair. What’s the point of that? Women and children do perfectly well without it and don’t have to spend any time on maintenance. Would anyone opt for facial hair if it didn’t carry any social significance? And once again, why does it need to keep growing? Cats have facial hair, but around the mouth it’s only about a millimetre long. Without ever needing to be groomed. If nobody had facial hair there’d be no need to signal your affiliation to hipsterism, suicide bombing or any other absurd societal group by growing a huge unruly bush on your mush.

Most men are forced into a regime of daily shaving in order to avoid the itchy stubble sensation. And it’s well known that women do not appreciate stubble rash either on the face or on the inner thigh no matter how little they may complain at the time of acquisition.

Whilst on the subject of intimacy, a cat on your head doesn’t feel anywhere near as cuddly as a cat on the bare skin of your face, (provided you’ve had a shave), and the bare skin on bare skin sensation of touching someone you really fancy should be enough evidence for anybody to realise that all hair is really just a nuisance.

Hair – clearly an example of not very intelligent design.

Final Mark    –    1/10   (because it provides jobs)

 

Mark Ingman is a highly opinionated individual who insists on marking everything out of ten.

Posted in Guest Posts, Intelligent Design | Leave a comment

Spouse of Mary Day

Kneeling Man: He’s on fire today. Jamming a whole shitload of piss-takes into one little tweet.

God: What are you talking about, Neel?

KM: Best wishes to fathers?

God: Yeah, and?

KM: Well he wasn’t a father was he, old Joseph? He was a cuckold. Catholic doctrine preaches the perpetual virginity of Mary (despite conflicting reports of siblings) so he’s clearly taking the piss.

God: It’s Father’s Day in Italy.

KM: Really? They conflate St Joe the Cuckold Day with Father’s Day and expect nobody to notice how stupid that is?

God: They do get away with a lot. Besides he didn’t actually say Joseph was a father. He said, “And best wishes to fathers!”

KM: Good spotting. Either way, he’s still taking the piss. St Joseph? That’s a piss-take in its own right. Sainthood for dying in the arms of Jesus and Mary? The patron saint of a happy death? Everybody dies. But he gets to be a saint for dying nicely? Jesus wept.

God: I’m sure he did.

KM: Next up, Patron of the Universal Church? What the hell does that mean? Is that like the Miss Universe contest? Everybody knows there’s no universal church. There’s three or four thousand bloody silly religions on this one little planet alone.

God: The simplicity of unity helps believers to believe.

KM: Lift your game, God. That’s the sort of nonsense charlatans like the Pope and Deepak come up with.

God: It may sound like papal bull but it actually makes sense.

KM: Okay, fine. But we’re up to three piss-takes in one tweet so far. And there’s still one more to come. May the saint of peaceful death bless you and watch over you.

God: Why’s that a piss-take?

KM: Well even if the death saint’s blessing doesn’t actually bring death, which it sounds like it should, he’s the last one I’d want watching over me. He couldn’t even keep an eye on his missus.

God: Yep, fair point.

KM: Do you think he might’ve been impotent? No Viagra back then, was there?

God: Not the sort of thing they really talked about was it?

KM: Plenty of topics were off limits, that’s for sure. Finally, a serious question.

God: Go on.

KM: Why are they so keen on venerating virgins? If you take that to its logical conclusion and everybody decided to be perfectly holy, meaning virgins, the result would be the extinction of humanity. How stupid’s that?

God: It’s a good thing humanity has an aversion to logical conclusions.

KM: And logic in general. Amen to that, big boy.

God: Night, Neel. Try not to drink so much.

KM: How else am I meant to make sense of it?

Posted in Papal bulletins, Talking Crack | Leave a comment

Educating an act of love


Kneeling Man: An act of love, giving life. Almost a description of fornication isn’t it? You’d think he’d be more careful about this sort of thing. What with all the pedophile priest business.

God: You think he’s thanking teachers who have sex with their pupils?

KM: Maybe he’s giving them a sly nod for doing the work of the church. You know, indoctrinate children for us and it’s okay if you fuck a few of them.

God: I don’t think that’s what he’s saying, Neel.

KM: Really? He sentenced a pedophile priest to a lifetime of prayer. What’s the punishment for a soprano who commits murder? A lifetime of singing?

God: The Vatican does seem to be morally compromised from time to time.

KM: I think you mean all the time. Anyway, do you think it’s a good idea to indoctrinate children?

God: It’s definitely good for the church. Keeps the numbers up.

KM: Is it good for the children? Or for the world as a whole?

God: That’s a big question.

KM: Okay. Try this. If children in the middle east were not brainwashed by being made to learn the Koran, would they be more or less likely to kill each other?

God: Well…

KM: Oh come, on. No bullshit now. If there was no religion there’d be a lot less killing. Admit it. It’s so fucking obvious. You start lying to me and I won’t even bother imagining that you exist any more.

God: All right, all right. That’s true. Neighbours with different religious beliefs do tend to kill each other more than neighbours with the same beliefs.

KM: Or neighbours with no beliefs. Like the Scandinavian countries. Or Australia and New Zealand. Countries with mostly atheist populations are the most peaceful places on earth. True or false?

God:

KM: True or false?

God: True.

KM: How do you feel about that?

God: What is this, a bloody interview?

KM: Nice Aussie accent. Are you trying to pander to me?

God: Aren’t you tired, Neel?

KM: Bloody right, I am. Sick and tired. Of all the bullshit.

God: Goodnight, Neel.

KM: Night.

Posted in Papal bulletins, Talking Crack | Leave a comment

Monkeys in the Image of God



Kneeling Man: To avoid the confusion about man being special, why didn’t you make us unique? As in, having no common DNA with anything else?

God: That would be too easy.

KM: Too easy? You know what I say when a waiter says too easy? I say hold on. Come back here. Too easy, huh? Too fucking easy? Well excuse me. In that case I’ll change my order. I’ll have the honey baked salmon instead.
Sir, I don’t think we have salmon on the menu tonight.
Perfect. So it won’t be too easy. I want a fresh salmon. And by fresh I mean wade into the fucking river and grab one and bring it straight back here still flapping. Still too easy? I want it from that part of the river where all the grizzlies catch theirs. Still too easy, dickhead? Before catching the salmon I want you to cover your naked body in fresh honey by diving head first into a large active beehive. Still too easy?
No, sir. Not easy at all.
Excellent. One more thing.
Sir?
Hurry up.

God: Neel, have you been drinking?

KM: Of course I’ve been fucking drinking. Look at the state of this fucking lunatic planet I have to live on. The most powerful man in the world has a mental age of nine. And he’s a narcissistic bully. Who can’t read. And thinks television ratings are more important than doing his fucking job. Wouldn’t you drink?

God: Fair point.

KM: What’s the wine like in Heaven?

God: The best. Beautiful flavours, with a high like heroin and opium put together and no hangover. But let’s not digress.

KM: Did you just lick your lips?

God: You think I’m not susceptible to suggestion? I made you in my image.

KM: You’re an alcoholic?

God: Not all men are alcoholics.

KM: Okay. But if you made man in your own image does that mean you’re 98.8% monkey?

God: Perhaps I will have that drink.

KM: Or 70% jellyfish?

God: Now you’re being silly.

KM: Well I have had a few.

God: Might be time you hit the sack then, Neel.

KM: I still noticed that you evaded every question.

God: I answered the questions, Neel. In mysterious ways.

KM: Like always. You’d make a good politician.

God: You want to be struck by lightning?

KM: I dare you!

God: Good night, Neel.

Posted in Evangelical, Talking Crack | Leave a comment

Question from Nigel

Kneeling Man: I’ve got a question here from Nigel. Nigel wants to know how and why you created day and night three days before you created the Sun and the Moon?

God: The amazing thing, Neel, is that more people don’t question that. Not to mention plants and trees and fruit, all being created before the sun.

KM: So what’s the answer?

God: Well the guys that wrote the Bible got it wrong, obviously.

KM: Isn’t the Bible your infallible word?

God: It should be. But you think it’s hard to get good help these days? Try back then. Finding someone who wasn’t part of the establishment who was even semi-literate wasn’t easy.

KM: So it was a transcription problem?

God: Transcription problem, malfunction, meltdown. Lost in translation. Chinese whispers. All of that. And, on top of the poor standard of literacy, they really didn’t have a clue about how anything worked.

KM: So whatever they wrote down they never questioned?

God: Exactly. It’s unfair to call them stupid, because that was the standard of the time, but by today’s standards they were very stupid and ignorant beyond belief.

KM: Which is why they could write about creating trees and fruit before the sun existed.

God: Exactly. It’s obviously ridiculous. They thought the world was flat back then.

KM: They must have seen boats go over the horizon and come back. It’s only a few miles to the horizon when you stand on a beach.

God: Two point nine in fact. Or four point seven kilometres. For a person of average height. Which is one point eight metres or thereabouts.

KM: I think we’re digressing.

God: Really?

KM: Why didn’t you fix it?

God: The Bible?

KM: Yeah. But specifically the bit we’re talking about. The stuff right at the start of Genesis that makes no sense. That in today’s world is so obviously, scientifically, just flat out impossibly wrong.

God: I thought it was funny at the time. Sort of like a blooper reel. I thought it would be interesting to see how long it would take for people to realise that it was ridiculous and needed fixing, and then fix it.

KM: But they never did.

God: No. You all got a lot smarter, but not in every way. Still a few places in the human brain that haven’t advanced at all compared to your ancestors.

KM: Meaning superstition?

God: Mm hmm.

KM: Gullibility would seem to be our biggest shortcoming as a species.

God: Amen to that.

KM: Okay, thanks, God.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

Posted in Questions and Answers | Leave a comment

God’s plan for humanity

 

 

 

Kneeling Man: Sometimes I suspect the Pope has his people knock up a whole lot of random ecclesiastical sounding tweets so he can pretty much whip them off the shelf as he needs them.

God: He also tweets about current events.

KM: Yeah, but not very often.

God: Whenever he deems it necessary.

KM: So does he get people to generate a stash of tweets or not?

God: How would I know?

KM: You know everything.

God: Fair enough. But you understand the concept of doctor patient confidentiality right?

KM: You’re not a doctor. You told me that when I said my knees hurt.

God: And I’m not a lawyer either. But my requirement for confidentiality is greater then all the doctors and lawyers combined.

KM: So you’re not going to tell me who writes the Pope’s tweets?

God: No.

KM: Can you tell me any secrets at all?

God: What sort of secrets?

KM: The sort of stuff you tell prophets. You know, revelations.

God: Are you thinking of starting your own church?

KM: There’s good money in it, apparently.

God: There are more than enough churches already, Neel.

KM: So that’s a no?

God: That’s a no.

KM: But you don’t mind me posting our conversations on the internet?

God: Not at all. Why would I?

KM: In case people did start to treat me like a prophet.

God: Why would they do that?

KM: Because I’m talking to you directly. Just like the Pope.

God: You think people will believe you?

KM: Why not? Some people believe all that ludicrous crap in the Book of Mormon.

God: Good point. And what about Scientology? I’m amazed anyone believes that nonsense. And I know exactly how stupid people are.

KM: What do you think might be a good story to make up if you did want to start a church?

God: It’s time you got some sleep, Neel.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel.

Posted in Papal bulletins | Leave a comment

Mary, Mother of God

Kneeling Man: Does this mean the Pope trusts your mother more than he trusts you and Jesus?

God: I doubt that’s what he means.

KM: So it’s more like, give Mary a go because 2016 was such a crapper?

God: No, I don’t think that either, Neel. He’s saying that Mary is most merciful, so entrusting a year to her may bring peace.

KM: Uh huh. Two questions on that. Most merciful, meaning more merciful than you? And, do you think it’ll work, as in actually bringing peace?

God: No and maybe.

KM: Maybe?

God: And maybe not. But there’s nothing wrong with hope.

KM: Unless it’s unrealistic.

God: It’s better than no hope. Aren’t you tired, Neel?

KM: Not really. If Mary’s your mother, who’s your daddy?

God: Mary’s my mother in the sense of being Jesus’ mother, because Jesus is also me. I am the father.

KM: And the son and the Holy Ghost.

God: Correct.

KM: It’s not simple is it?

God: It makes sense to the faithful.

KM: Of course it does. So you’re happy that Mary’s in charge for 2017?

God: She won’t actually be in charge, that’s still my job.

KM: So what’s the point of the Pope’s tweet?

God: To bring hope to the faithful.

KM: Even forlorn hope?

God: You’re going round in circles now, Neel. You should get some rest.

KM: Okay. Good night, God.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

Posted in Papal bulletins | Leave a comment

Question from Helen


Kneeling Man: I have a question here from Helen. It’s a bit of a curly one.

God: Curly like a pig’s tail?

KM: Sort of. In that it’s to do with Jews and Muslims. What’s with that whole anti-bacon thing anyway?

God: Is that the question?

KM: No. Sorry. The question is, “Why did you bequeath the bulk of the world’s oil to the Muslims? I thought the Jews were your chosen people.”

God: Well the chosen people all depends on who’s talking.

KM: So the Jews aren’t your chosen people?

God: If they believe they are then they are. A lot of religions feel the same way.

KM: Really?

God: Of course. Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, Rastafarians, Muslims. You name it. There are thousands of them. You can’t really be a believer unless you believe that your faith is the one true faith.

KM: Makes sense. So what about the oil then?

God: Oil wasn’t important back then.

KM: But you must have known it’d become important?

God: Well, yeah, of course.

KM: So why did you put it all in one place? Specifically, under the Muslims?

God: There weren’t any Muslims when I put the oil there.

KM: Oh, yeah. I hadn’t thought about that. But you must have known…

God: Besides I didn’t put it all there. It’s all over the place. It’s just that the easy to find stuff was found there first.

KM: So it wasn’t favouritism?

God: I’ve already given you two reasons why it wasn’t.

KM: Still seems a bit unfair.

God: Life isn’t fair, Neel. That’s a lesson everyone needs to learn. And besides if people hadn’t been so stupid and slow to get onto solar power the whole oil thing wouldn’t have been anything like such a big deal.

KM: Stupid or vested interests?

God: Fair point. Both really. Electric motors were invented about the same time as internal combustion engines. From that point on you guys stuffed it up. You can’t blame everything on me.

KM: Fair enough. Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel.

Posted in Questions and Answers | Leave a comment

The Ten Commandments

Kneeling Man: Some friends and I were talking about the Ten Commandments the other day. A few questions came up.

God: Uh huh.

KM: Firstly the Bible says that you carved them in stone, on two tablets. Is that true?

God: Sort of. I didn’t personally carve them, but I caused them to be carved.

KM: So Moses carved them?

God: People like Moses.

KM: And they’re your exact words?

God: A little bit always gets lost in translation.

KM: But they’re basically your ten commandments.

God: Yes, Neel. What were the questions?

KM: My friend said that he thought making the first four all about needing to praise you was a bit, how can I put this without sounding too critical… narcissistic?

God: I admit it may seem a little bit that way.

KM: But you are God, the only god, so what’s the point of saying we must not pray to any other gods?

God: Back in the day, people were praying to all manner of gods. Zeus, Thor, Neptune. The Aztecs were dragging young virgins up pyramids and cutting their hearts out. So it was pretty important to get across the one single god idea so that all that nonsense would stop.

KM: Right. Fair enough. I hadn’t really looked at it that way. Let’s move on to number five.

God: Honour thy father and thy mother.

KM: Exactly. Seems a bit redundant to me.

God: Why’s that, Neel?

KM: Well everybody I know with decent parents loves them and honours them anyway. They don’t need to be commanded to do it. But if your parents had sold you into child slavery for example, having to honour them as a pre-condition for getting into Heaven seems a bit tough. They wouldn’t really deserve to be honoured would they?

God: Once again, times have changed. Sometimes fathers had to sell daughters just to make ends meet.

KM: Okay. Well let’s leave that for now and move on to tablet two.

God: Commandment number six. Thou shalt not kill.

KM: That’s a good one. Nobody had any problem with that. One hundred percent approval.

God: You’re saying I’m one for six in your friends’ eyes right now?

KM: Pretty much. Let’s go to number seven.

God: Thou shalt not commit adultery.

KM: As a general concept it’s fine, but to be written in stone sort of implies no exceptions, don’t you think?

God: It does have that about it.

KM: What about a young woman, newly married, husband goes off to war, doesn’t return. Probably dead, but nobody knows for sure. Does she have to stay celibate for the rest of her life?

God: That is a bit tricky.

KM: But the same commandment means that a fifty year old man, who bought a nine year old girl from the father we talked about earlier, commits no crime when he sleeps with her. Even though he’s effectively bought a sex slave.

God: It’s hard to write things that perfectly fit all examples for all time on two tablets of stone, Neel. Twitter gives you more space and you know what happens there.

KM: Fair point. Thou shalt not steal. Another winner.

God: Two for eight?

KM: Two and a half for eight. Half a point for adultery.

God: Gee thanks.

KM: Thou shalt not bear false witness. That’s fine. Three and a half for nine.

God: Commandment number ten. Thou shalt not covet. How did that go?

KM: Not well. It’s pretty hard not to look at a neighbour’s new Corvette and not admire it. We figured that coveting was merely human nature. So long as you have no plan to act on it, then it’s not really a carved-in-stone level of sin.

God: Half a point?

KM: Sorry, no. Final score, three and a half out of ten.

God: Well, Neel, as I said before, times change. If I was going to write ten commandments today, they wouldn’t be quite the same.

KM: Why don’t you? Isn’t it about time? I mean you could use those other six and a half commandments for things that didn’t make the cut last time. Like rape, child abuse, slavery, physical assault, waging war…

God: Thou shalt not discriminate for reason of race, tribe, gender, sexual orientation, religious belief, or lack of…

KM: Exactly! Freedom of speech… not trying to impose your beliefs on others…

God: I hear you Neel, and I am working on it. But I don’t want to carve anything in stone until I’m sure it’s right. Be a shame to rush into it, look what happened last time. And knowing how critical you and your friends can be…

KM: Sorry about that God, just trying to be honest.

God: I know, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night. God.

Posted in Ten Commandments, The Bible | Leave a comment

Life here on earth

 
Kneeling Man: I don’t understand why he tweeted this.

God: Why’s that, Neel? It makes sense to me.

KM: Yeah, it makes sense, but it’s just stating the bleeding obvious isn’t it?

God: He’s reiterating his faith.

KM: Sure, but without Jesus, he wouldn’t even have a job, let alone meaning. Or hope.

God: Which is exactly what he’s saying.

KM: You don’t think he’s implying there’s a possibility of Jesus not being there?

God: Not being where?

KM: Anywhere.

God: You’re not doubting your faith are you, Neel?

KM: No, no, not at all. I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I? I’m just wondering whether the Pope might be doubting his. You know like Mother Teresa. What with all his talk of coprophagia and things.

God: I thought we agreed you shouldn’t think about that.

KM: I’ve been trying not to, but it’s like a bloody annoying Abba song that just won’t go away.

God: Which one?

KM: Cut that out. You know it’s all of them. Don’t you dare start humming.

God: I was tempted.

KM: Yeah, but don’t. Please. Anyway, I just thought if you were going to say something to ten million people you might perhaps put a bit more work into it.

God: He tweets every day pretty much. You can’t expect them all to be gems.

KM: That’d be a miracle wouldn’t it? If every single one was just, wham, knock your socks off brilliant?

God: Yes it would. Anyway, don’t you need to get some sleep?

KM: Yeah, I do. By the way, when was the last miracle?

God: I like you, Neel. Always trying to push back the curtain of mystery. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

Posted in Papal bulletins | Comments Off on Life here on earth

God is working

 

 

 

Kneeling Man: I hope I’m not interrupting you, God.

God: Of course not, Neel. Why would you say that?

KM: Well, Joel Osteen said you’re working.

God: I’m always working, Neel. Even now. This is what I do.

KM: Of course you are. Silly old me.

God: No problem, Neel. Something I can help you with?

KM: He’s talking about winter giving way to spring, but the season’s only just changed.

God: True. He might be talking metaphorically. About things getting better for individuals.

KM: Ah. Okay. But just out of interest, how much work do you have to do to get the seasons to change?

God: Well, that’s not a simple thing to quantify in terms a human could understand.

KM: I though it would be pretty much running on autopilot by now, you know with the planets just spinning round and the momentum basically doing all the work?

God: Well there is that. But someone has to keep an eye on it to make sure it’s working properly.

KM: So you have to give the old earth a bit of a nudge from time to time?

God: Sort of.

KM: Doesn’t that mess with satellites and space probes and things? Why don’t they end up flying all over the place?

God: It’s all done at once. Invisible hand sort of thing.

KM: Okay… So he’s not really telling the truth about you working to change the season at the right time?

God: I’m sure there’s meaning in what he says.

KM: I hope so. He makes enough money for saying it.

God: He sure does.

KM: Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

Posted in Evangelical | Comments Off on God is working

Faecal fantasies

screen-shot-2016-12-08-at-2-28-59-pm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kneeling Man: The Pope’s been talking about coprophagia.

God: Yes I saw that.

KM: What does it mean?

God: Why are you asking me? Didn’t you look it up?

KM: Yes, I did.

God: I know you did.

KM: I’d never heard of it before. But the Pope seems to know all about it.

God: Knowledge is good.

KM: The Pope seems to think it’s quite a common thing. I didn’t even know it was a thing.

God: Then I’m sorry that you had to find out about it.

KM: Me too. It’s not the first time he’s talked about it either.

God: Really?

KM: In 2013 he said journalists risked becoming ill from their coprophilia, and that they could be fomenting coprophagia in their readers.

God: Uh huh.

KM: You don’t think he might be psychologically projecting do you?

God: I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you should be thinking about, Neel.

KM: I agree. Makes me feel sick. I hope he’ll stop talking about it.

God: Was there anything else, Neel?

KM: No, that’s it. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: If I can stop thinking about it I will.

km-50x50

Posted in Papal bulletins | 2 Comments

The mystery of the Cross

2013-10-10

Kneeling Man: I’ve got my cross here, God.

God: I can see that, Neel.

KM: It’s a mystery all right.

God: The cross?

KM: No, the tweet. Does it make any sense to you?

God: It can only be understood in prayer. Have you prayed and wept, kneeling before the cross?

KM: I’ve tried. But I couldn’t make myself cry. Maybe if you told me a sad story.

God: Not really the sort of thing I do, Neel.

KM: What is the sort of thing you do, God?

God: This, Neel. Talking to you. And others.

KM: That’s it?

God: Recently, yeah.

KM: What do you mean by recently?

God: Since Jesus came home.

KM: Like the last two thousand years?

God: Yep.

KM: Couldn’t you do a bit more?

God: More what, Neel?

KM: Well I don’t know. Send another message or another prophet or something.

God: That would lessen the mystery wouldn’t it?

KM: The mystery of the Cross?

God: Exactly.

KM: I’m going to try to think some sad thoughts now.

God: Good work, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

km-50x50

Posted in Papal bulletins | Comments Off on The mystery of the Cross

Empty spaces caused by evil

2013-10-08

 

 

 

Kneeling Man: He’s not talking about making love here is he?

God: No.

KM: Well that’s lucky. Otherwise it’d be like he was asking us to bonk twenty four seven. Ha ha.

God: Neel. Remember who you’re talking to.

KM: Oh yeah. Sorry, God. I just had this thought and…

God: I know. I forgive you.

KM: Thanks, God. So he means that non physical type of love thing?

God: Yes.

KM: How does evil cause empty spaces?

God: Well, that’s a very complicated concept. I’m not sure we have time to go into it in detail.

KM: Just in broad terms.

God: It’s really not the sort of thing that can be summarised.

KM: Oh. Okay. Are all empty spaces evil? Because there’s an awful lot of empty space in space. That’s a whole lot of evil.

God: He’s not saying the empty spaces are evil. Just that they are caused by evil.

KM: What does evil get out of causing empty spaces? Especially if they don’t stay evil when he’s finished causing them.

God: Once again it’s a very complicated concept.

KM: That can’t be summarised?

God: Pretty much.

KM: Ok, thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel.

KM: Oh, one more thing. If love is the secret of Christian living, why’s he tweeting it to the whole world?

God:

KM: God?

God:

km-50x50

Posted in Papal bulletins | Comments Off on Empty spaces caused by evil

Save humanity and the world

2013-10-07

 

 

 

Kneeling Man: Saving humanity and the world’s a big one.

God: It certainly is.

KM: You think sin and evil are as big a threat as climate change?

God: They’re difficult to compare. Different categories.

KM: Are sin and evil the same category?

God: Not exactly, but they are related.

KM: So there are three things threatening humanity and the world. Sin, evil and climate change.

God: Yeah.

KM: Oh, and Islam. Four things.

God: Let’s leave Islam out of this.

KM: Why?

God: I’m trying to keep you safe, Neel.

KM: What? Oh… yeah. Right. Okay then. Three things.

God: Yep.

KM: I don’t see how mercy can do anything about climate change, regardless of how powerful it is.

God: Which is probably why the Pope didn’t say it could.

KM: Oh yeah, right, well let’s not worry about climate change for now.

God: You realise that’s exactly how things got this bad?

KM: Ha ha. Good one. You got me there. But, as far as true powers go, I’ve never seen mercy do much. It can’t lift buildings, or make things invisible can it?

God: No.

KM: So what can it do as a true power?

God: It can save humanity and the world.

KM: Uh huh. I still…

God: Look at the time, wow it’s getting late.

KM: Oh yeah. Okay. Night, God.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

km-50x50

Posted in Papal bulletins | Comments Off on Save humanity and the world

Question from Lindy

Question from Lindy C, Kazakhstan.

Kneeling Man: I have a question here from Lindy, from Kazakhstan.

God: I’ll just briefly take this opportunity, Neel, to say that I never forsook that place, despite what many people say.

KM: Lindy’s not saying anything like that.

God: Okay, good.

KM: She says she was always taught that Jesus was the one way to God, and that me talking to you directly is somehow wrong. Maybe even blasphemous.

God: Different strokes I’d say. You and I get along fine, Neel. Others prefer to go the Jesus way. And of course Jesus is also me, so I’m not sure I understand the question.

KM: I think it might be that she doesn’t fully understand the relationship between you and Jesus. The nuance.

God: Well it’s not really that difficult. I’m the father, Jesus is my son, and also me, and then there’s the Holy Ghost, who is sort of like Jesus’ brother, but without the human bit or a mother, so more like a half brother in that he’s also me.

KM: Do many people pray to the Holy Ghost?

God: Hardly anybody. I’d say if anyone’s having difficulty getting enough face time with me or Jesus, they should give a shout out to the HG.

KM: But if he’s also you, how come he has spare time and you don’t?

God: Because hardly anybody prays to him. More people pray to Jesus’ mum than pray to the HG.

KM: Is Jesus’ mum up there with you?

God: Of course.

KM: What does she do?

God: She keeps an eye out for miracles.

KM: How’s that going?

God: Was that part of Lindy’s question?

KM: No, that was me asking that one.

God: Yes, I know, Neel. That slightly subversive edge of yours was showing.

KM: Sorry about that.

God: Was there anything else?

KM: Did you finish answering Lindy’s question?

God: Lindy should pray to Jesus if that makes her feel comfortable. Or the HG, as previously mentioned. As far as her thinking that I could be involved in something blasphemous… well that just makes no sense at all.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel. Good night.

Posted in Questions and Answers | Comments Off on Question from Lindy

Heart full of love

2016-11-18

 

Kneeling Man: A heart full of love sounds good.

God: Nothing finer.

KM: How merciful will I have to be to get one?

God: I’m not following you.

KM: Like if I chose not to kill an ant, that wouldn’t be enough mercy to get a whole heart full of love would it?

God: Probably not, no.

KM: So it would be either lots of small acts of mercy, or maybe one really big one?

God: Rather than hold out for a big one, try being merciful every day.

KM: Okay. How long would it take to fill my heart if I do that?

God: Hard to say exactly. Might take a while.

KM: And what sort of love would it be?

God: What sort of love?

KM: Yeah. You know, the furry little kitten sort of love, or the can’t wait to see my brand new girlfriend again because this boner’s almost tearing the front out of my jeans sort of love.

God: I think it’s more like feeling love for the world, for everything and everyone.

KM: So both kinds?

God: No, Neel. Not the boner kind. That’s different.

KM: Oh.

God: It’s still really good love. Honestly.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You will try to be merciful?

KM: Yep. Night.

God: Good night, Neel.

km-50x50

Posted in Papal bulletins | Comments Off on Heart full of love

Question from Andrew

Question from Andrew G (13)

Kneeling Man: I’ve got a question for you, God. It’s from Andrew. He’s thirteen years old.

God: Shoot.

KM: Well that was an unfortunate word choice. He wants to know what he should do if a gunman comes into his classroom?

God: Oops. Sorry about that. That’s a tricky one.

KM: Yep. Glad I don’t have to answer it.

God: It would depend on a few things. You might be able to escape out another door.

KM: It’s a classroom, God. They’ve usually got just the one.

God: It might be an idea to make sure they all have two or three in future.

KM: That’s not really going to help Andrew right now though is it?

God: No, I see your point. If you’re at the back of the room, maybe hiding on the floor would be best. Or… If you were right next to the gunman and could tackle him, maybe that would work. Doesn’t the school have guidelines?

KM: I don’t know. But interesting you should mention the tackle thing because he did also ask that if he tackled a gunman and got killed, would he go to heaven? Even if he hadn’t confessed or prayed for a while?

God: If he’s trying to save people then… yeah, I guess… I don’t see why not… but if he had a suicidal motive… well… I probably need more information really. Did he ask anything else?

KM: No that’s it.

God: Okay then. Until next time.

KM: Thanks, God.

Posted in Questions and Answers | Comments Off on Question from Andrew

Jesus in the middle

2013-10-05

 

 

 

 

 

Kneeling Man: I’m thinking that he might be asking a bit too much here. What do you think?

God: He’s asking you to remember to make Jesus an ongoing part of your life.

KM: Yeah, but I really don’t have much control over who shows up in my dreams.

God: He means dreams as in plans.

KM: Dreams without a plan can end up turning into nightmares.

God: What?

KM: I just thought of it. As a cool thing for a motivational guru to say. Nah, I bet someone’s already said it.

God: Okay.

KM: So we can boil it down to him saying, make Christ the centre of all your plans?

God: Yeah. I’d say that’s pretty much what he’s trying to say.

KM: If my plan was to get married and have children, that’d be a bit off, wouldn’t it?

God: I don’t know what you mean.

KM: Well, me and my future wife with Jesus in the middle. Like in a threesome. I don’t really want to have that dream.

God: You’re being far too literal.

KM: So it’s okay if Christ’s in the next room, rather than right at the centre of the plan or dream?

God: If that makes it easier for you to understand, sure. Is that it for tonight?

KM: Can I just ask one more question?

God: Just a quick one.

KM: Did Jesus ever have a threesome?

God: Go to sleep, Neel.

KM: Sorry, God. Good night.

km-50x50

Posted in Papal bulletins | Comments Off on Jesus in the middle