Question for God from Lindy C, from Kazakhstan
Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? I have a question for God from Lindy C, from Kazakhstan.
God: I’ll just briefly take this opportunity, Neel, to say that I never forsook that country, despite what many people say.
KM: Lindy’s not saying that.
God: Okay, good.
KM: She says she was always taught that Jesus was the one way to God, and that me talking to you directly, is somehow wrong. Maybe even blasphemous.
God: Different strokes I’d say. You and I get along fine, Neel. Others prefer to go the Jesus way. And of course Jesus is also me, so I’m not sure I understand the question.
KM: I think it might be that she doesn’t fully comprehend the relationship between you and Jesus. The thing about the one way to God being through Jesus given that Jesus and you are in fact the same thing. The nuance escapes her. And me.
God: Well it’s not really that difficult. I’m the father, Jesus is my son, and also me, and then there’s the Holy Ghost, who is sort of like Jesus’ brother, but without the human bit or a mother, so more like a half brother in that he’s also me. We’re sort of all me.
KM: Yeah, well that’s pretty fucking clear, innit. I’m sure that’ll help Lindy.
God: It’s not complicated.
KM: No, just stupid beyond belief. Yet people actually do believe it somehow. Do many people pray to the Holy Ghost?
God: Hardly anybody. I’d say if anyone’s having difficulty getting enough face time with me or Jesus, they should give a shout out to the HG.
KM: But if he’s also you, how come he has spare time and you don’t?
God: Because hardly anybody prays to him, Neel. I just told you that. He’s got time coming out his ears. More people pray to Jesus’ mum than pray to the HG.
KM: Is Jesus’ mum up there with you?
God: Of course.
KM: What does she do all day?
God: She keeps an eye out for miracles.
KM: How’s that going?
God: Was that part of Lindy’s question?
KM: No, that was me asking that one.
God: Yes, I know, Neel. That slightly subversive edge of yours was showing.
KM: Sorry about that.
God: Was there anything else?
KM: Did you finish answering Lindy’s question?
God: Lindy should pray to Jesus if that makes her feel comfortable. Or the HG, as previously mentioned. As far as her thinking that I could be involved in something blasphemous… well that just makes no sense at all.
KM: Like a lot of things. Okay. Thanks, God.
God: You’re welcome, Neel.
KM: Oh, one more thing. Since Jesus’ mum, aka holy Mary mother of God, is up there with you, is it worth me trying to have to have a little chat to her some time, or does miracle watch keep her pretty busy?
God: Why would you want to talk to her when you can talk to me?
KM: I just want to know if she’s comfortable with the whole paternity thing.
God: Go on.
KM: Well, if she was impregnated by you in order to produce Jesus, and Jesus is you, that sort of means that Jesus was his own father… It’s not quite incest, but it sort of is, isn’t it, or is it more like inbreeding? Is there a difference?
God: You sound tired, Neel. And confused. And drunk. Go to bed.
KM: It also means Jesus is a real motherfucker.
God: You think I’ll let her talk to you if you’re going to be like that?
KM: Oh, so women don’t get to make their own decisions in heaven?
God: Stop being a dick. Good night.
KM: Night, God. That was fun. And thanks to you too, Lindy. How’s Kazakhstan these days?