Question for God from Nigel

Question for God from Nigel

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, it’s that time again. I have a question for God from Nigel. Nigel wants to know how and why you created day and night three days before you created the Sun and the Moon?

God: The amazing thing, Neel, is that more people don’t question that. Not to mention plants and trees and fruit, all being created before the sun.

KM: So what’s the answer?

God: Well the guys that wrote the Bible got it wrong, obviously.

KM: Isn’t the Bible your infallible word?

God: It should be. But you think it’s hard to get good help these days? Try back then. Finding someone who wasn’t part of the establishment who was even semi-literate wasn’t easy.

KM: So it was a transcription problem?

God: Transcription problem, malfunction, meltdown. Lost in translation. Chinese whispers. All of that. And, on top of the poor standard of literacy, they really didn’t have a clue about how anything worked.

KM: So whatever they wrote down they never questioned?

God: Exactly. It’s unfair to call them stupid, because that was the standard of the time, but by today’s standards they were very stupid and ignorant beyond belief.

KM: Which is why they could write about creating trees and fruit before the sun existed.

God: Exactly. It’s obviously ridiculous. They thought the world was flat back then.

KM: They must have seen boats go over the horizon and come back. It’s only a few miles to the horizon when you stand on a beach.

God: Two point nine in fact. Or four point seven kilometres. For a person of average height. Which is one point eight metres or thereabouts.

KM: I think we’re digressing.

God: Really?

KM: Why didn’t you fix it?

God: The Bible?

KM: Yeah. But specifically the bit we’re talking about. The stuff right at the start of Genesis that makes no sense. That in today’s world is so obviously, scientifically, just flat out impossibly wrong.

God: I thought it was funny at the time. Sort of like a blooper reel. I thought it would be interesting to see how long it would take for people to realise that it was ridiculous and needed fixing, and then fix it.

KM: But they never did.

God: No. You all got a lot smarter, but not in every way. Still a few places in the human brain that haven’t advanced at all compared to your ancestors.

KM: Meaning superstition?

God: Mm hmm.

KM: Gullibility would seem to be our biggest shortcoming as a species.

God: Amen to that.

KM: Okay, thanks, God.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

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Beauty in God’s plan for humanity

Beauty in God's plan for humanity

Beauty in God’s plan for humanity

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, his vaticanly holiness has fired out another another word salad one. I think he probably has his people knock up a whole lot of random ecclesiastical sounding tweets so he can pretty much whip them off the shelf as he needs them.

God: He also tweets about current events.

KM: Yeah, but not very often.

God: Whenever he deems it necessary.

KM: So does he get people to generate a stash of tweets or not?

God: How would I know?

KM: You know everything.

God: Fair enough. But you understand the concept of doctor patient confidentiality right?

KM: You’re not a doctor. You told me that when I said my knees hurt.

God: And I’m not a lawyer either. But my requirement for confidentiality is greater then all the doctors and lawyers combined.

KM: So you’re not going to tell me who writes the Pope’s tweets?

God: No.

KM: Can you tell me any secrets at all?

God: What sort of secrets?

KM: The sort of stuff you tell prophets. You know, revelations.

God: Are you thinking of starting your own church?

KM: There’s good money in it, apparently.

God: There are more than enough churches already, Neel.

KM: So that’s a no?

God: That’s a no.

KM: But you don’t mind me posting our conversations on the internet?

God: Not at all. Why would I?

KM: In case people did start to treat me like a prophet.

God: Why would they do that?

KM: Because I’m talking to you directly. Just like the Pope.

God: You think people will believe you?

KM: Why not? Some people believe all that ludicrous crap in the Book of Mormon.

God: Good point. And what about Scientology? I’m amazed anyone believes that nonsense. And I know exactly how stupid people are.

KM: What do you think might be a good story to make up if you did want to start a church?

God: It’s time you got some sleep, Neel.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel.

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Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God

Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God
Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Does this mean the Pope trusts your mother more than he trusts you and Jesus?

God: I doubt that’s what he means.

KM: So it’s more like, give Mary a go because 2016 was such a crapper?

God: No, I don’t think that either, Neel. He’s saying that Mary is most merciful, so entrusting a year to her may bring peace.

KM: Uh huh. Two questions on that. Most merciful, meaning more merciful than you? And, do you think it’ll work, as in actually bringing peace?

God: No and maybe.

KM: Maybe?

God: And maybe not. But there’s nothing wrong with hope.

KM: Unless it’s unrealistic.

God: It’s better than no hope. Aren’t you tired, Neel?

KM: Not really. If Mary’s your mother, who’s your daddy?

God: Mary’s my mother in the sense of being Jesus’ mother, because Jesus is also me. I am the father.

KM: And the son and the Holy Ghost.

God: Correct.

KM: It’s not simple is it?

God: It makes sense to the faithful.

KM: Of course it does. So you’re happy that Mary’s in charge for 2017?

God: She won’t actually be in charge, that’s still my job.

KM: So what’s the point of the Pope’s tweet?

God: To bring hope to the faithful.

KM: Even forlorn hope?

God: You’re going round in circles now, Neel. You should get some rest.

KM: Okay. Good night, God.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

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