Monkeys in the Image of God



Kneeling Man: To avoid the confusion about man being special, why didn’t you make us unique? As in, having no common DNA with anything else?

God: That would be too easy.

KM: Too easy? You know what I say when a waiter says too easy? I say hold on. Come back here. Too easy, huh? Too fucking easy? Well excuse me. In that case I’ll change my order. I’ll have the honey baked salmon instead.
Sir, I don’t think we have salmon on the menu tonight.
Perfect. So it won’t be too easy. I want a fresh salmon. And by fresh I mean wade into the fucking river and grab one and bring it straight back here still flapping. Still too easy? I want it from that part of the river where all the grizzlies catch theirs. Still too easy, dickhead? Before catching the salmon I want you to cover your naked body in fresh honey by diving head first into a large active beehive. Still too easy?
No, sir. Not easy at all.
Excellent. One more thing.
Sir?
Hurry up.

God: Neel, have you been drinking?

KM: Of course I’ve been fucking drinking. Look at the state of this fucking lunatic planet I have to live on. The most powerful man in the world has a mental age of nine. And he’s a narcissistic bully. Who can’t read. And thinks television ratings are more important than doing his fucking job. Wouldn’t you drink?

God: Fair point.

KM: What’s the wine like in Heaven?

God: The best. Beautiful flavours, with a high like heroin and opium put together and no hangover. But let’s not digress.

KM: Did you just lick your lips?

God: You think I’m not susceptible to suggestion? I made you in my image.

KM: You’re an alcoholic?

God: Not all men are alcoholics.

KM: Okay. But if you made man in your own image does that mean you’re 98.8% monkey?

God: Perhaps I will have that drink.

KM: Or 70% jellyfish?

God: Now you’re being silly.

KM: Well I have had a few.

God: Might be time you hit the sack then, Neel.

KM: I still noticed that you evaded every question.

God: I answered the questions, Neel. In mysterious ways.

KM: Like always. You’d make a good politician.

God: You want to be struck by lightning?

KM: I dare you!

God: Good night, Neel.

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