Question for God from Nigel

Question for God from Nigel

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, it’s that time again. I have a question for God from Nigel. Nigel wants to know how and why you created day and night three days before you created the Sun and the Moon?

God: The amazing thing, Neel, is that more people don’t question that. Not to mention plants and trees and fruit, all being created before the sun.

KM: So what’s the answer?

God: Well the guys that wrote the Bible got it wrong, obviously.

KM: Isn’t the Bible your infallible word?

God: It should be. But you think it’s hard to get good help these days? Try back then. Finding someone who wasn’t part of the establishment who was even semi-literate wasn’t easy.

KM: So it was a transcription problem?

God: Transcription problem, malfunction, meltdown. Lost in translation. Chinese whispers. All of that. And, on top of the poor standard of literacy, they really didn’t have a clue about how anything worked.

KM: So whatever they wrote down they never questioned?

God: Exactly. It’s unfair to call them stupid, because that was the standard of the time, but by today’s standards they were very stupid and ignorant beyond belief.

KM: Which is why they could write about creating trees and fruit before the sun existed.

God: Exactly. It’s obviously ridiculous. They thought the world was flat back then.

KM: They must have seen boats go over the horizon and come back. It’s only a few miles to the horizon when you stand on a beach.

God: Two point nine in fact. Or four point seven kilometres. For a person of average height. Which is one point eight metres or thereabouts.

KM: I think we’re digressing.

God: Really?

KM: Why didn’t you fix it?

God: The Bible?

KM: Yeah. But specifically the bit we’re talking about. The stuff right at the start of Genesis that makes no sense. That in today’s world is so obviously, scientifically, just flat out impossibly wrong.

God: I thought it was funny at the time. Sort of like a blooper reel. I thought it would be interesting to see how long it would take for people to realise that it was ridiculous and needed fixing, and then fix it.

KM: But they never did.

God: No. You all got a lot smarter, but not in every way. Still a few places in the human brain that haven’t advanced at all compared to your ancestors.

KM: Meaning superstition?

God: Mm hmm.

KM: Gullibility would seem to be our biggest shortcoming as a species.

God: Amen to that.

KM: Okay, thanks, God.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

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Question for God from Helen


Question for God from Helen

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? I have a question for God from Helen. It’s a bit of a curly one.

God: Curly like a pig’s tail?

KM: Sort of. In that it’s to do with Jews and Muslims. What’s with that whole anti-bacon thing anyway?

God: Is that the question?

KM: No. Sorry. The question is, “Why did you bequeath the bulk of the world’s oil to the Muslims? I thought the Jews were your chosen people.”

God: Well the chosen people all depends on who’s talking.

KM: So the Jews aren’t your chosen people?

God: If they believe they are then they are. A lot of religions feel that way.

KM: Really?

God: Of course. Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, Rastafarians, Muslims. You name it. There are thousands of them. You can’t really be a believer unless you believe that your faith is the one true faith.

KM: Makes sense. So what about the oil then?

God: Oil wasn’t important back then.

KM: But you must have known it’d become important?

God: Well, yeah, sure.

KM: So why did you put so much of it in one place? Specifically, under the Muslims?

God: There weren’t any Muslims when I put the oil there.

KM: Oh, yeah. I hadn’t thought about that. But you must have known…

God: Besides I didn’t put it all there. It’s all over the place. It’s just that the easy to find stuff was found there first.

KM: So it wasn’t favouritism?

God: I’ve already given you two reasons why it wasn’t.

KM: Still seems a bit unfair.

God: Life isn’t fair, Neel. That’s a lesson everyone needs to learn. And besides if people hadn’t been so stupid and slow to get onto solar power the whole oil thing wouldn’t have been anything like such a big deal.

KM: Stupid or vested interests?

God: Fair point. Both really. Electric motors were invented about the same time as internal combustion engines. From that point on you guys stuffed it up. You can’t blame everything on me.

KM: Fair enough. Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel.

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Question for God from Lindy C

Question for God from Lindy C, from Kazakhstan

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? I have a question for God from Lindy C, from Kazakhstan.

God: I’ll just briefly take this opportunity, Neel, to say that I never forsook that country, despite what many people say.

KM: Lindy’s not saying that.

God: Okay, good.

KM: She says she was always taught that Jesus was the one way to God, and that me talking to you directly, is somehow wrong. Maybe even blasphemous.

God: Different strokes I’d say. You and I get along fine, Neel. Others prefer to go the Jesus way. And of course Jesus is also me, so I’m not sure I understand the question.

KM: I think it might be that she doesn’t fully comprehend the relationship between you and Jesus. The thing about the one way to God being through Jesus given that Jesus and you are in fact the same thing. The nuance escapes her. And me.

God: Well it’s not really that difficult. I’m the father, Jesus is my son, and also me, and then there’s the Holy Ghost, who is sort of like Jesus’ brother, but without the human bit or a mother, so more like a half brother in that he’s also me. We’re sort of all me.

KM: Yeah, well that’s pretty fucking clear, innit. I’m sure that’ll help Lindy.

God: It’s not complicated.

KM: No, just stupid beyond belief. Yet people actually do believe it somehow. Do many people pray to the Holy Ghost?

God: Hardly anybody. I’d say if anyone’s having difficulty getting enough face time with me or Jesus, they should give a shout out to the HG.

KM: But if he’s also you, how come he has spare time and you don’t?

God: Because hardly anybody prays to him, Neel. I just told you that. He’s got time coming out his ears. More people pray to Jesus’ mum than pray to the HG.

KM: Is Jesus’ mum up there with you?

God: Of course.

KM: What does she do all day?

God: She keeps an eye out for miracles.

KM: How’s that going?

God: Was that part of Lindy’s question?

KM: No, that was me asking that one.

God: Yes, I know, Neel. That slightly subversive edge of yours was showing.

KM: Sorry about that.

God: Was there anything else?

KM: Did you finish answering Lindy’s question?

God: Lindy should pray to Jesus if that makes her feel comfortable. Or the HG, as previously mentioned. As far as her thinking that I could be involved in something blasphemous… well that just makes no sense at all.

KM: Like a lot of things. Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel.

KM: Oh, one more thing. Since Jesus’ mum,  aka holy Mary mother of God, is up there with you, is it worth me trying to have to have a little chat to her some time, or does miracle watch keep her pretty busy?

God: Why would you want to talk to her when you can talk to me?

KM: I just want to know if she’s comfortable with the whole paternity thing.

God: Go on.

KM: Well, if she was impregnated by you in order to produce Jesus, and Jesus is you, that sort of means that Jesus was his own father… It’s not quite incest, but it sort of is, isn’t it, or is it more like inbreeding? Is there a difference?

God: You sound tired, Neel. And confused. And drunk. Go to bed.

KM: It also means Jesus is a real motherfucker.

God: You think I’ll let her talk to you if you’re going to be like that?

KM: Oh, so women don’t get to make their own decisions in heaven?

God: Stop being a dick. Good night.

KM: Night, God. That was fun. And thanks to you too, Lindy. How’s Kazakhstan these days?

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Question for God from Andrew G

Question for God from Andrew G

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, you listening? I’ve got a question for God from Andrew G. He’s thirteen years old.

God: Shoot.

KM: Well that was an unfortunate word choice. He wants to know what he should do if a gunman comes into his classroom?

God: Oops. Sorry about that. That’s a tricky one.

KM: Yep. Glad I don’t have to answer it.

God: It would depend on a few things. He might be able to escape out another door.

KM: It’s a classroom, God. They’ve often got just the one.

God: It might be an idea to make sure they all have two or three in future.

KM: That’s not really going to help Andrew right now though is it?

God: No, I see your point. What’s the likelihood of there being a good guy with a gun in there?

KM: Are you taking the fucking piss? It’s a fucking school. If the kids and teachers start bringing guns into classrooms what do you think might happen?

God: Yeah, okay. If Andrew’s at the back of the room, maybe hiding on the floor would be best. Or… If he’s right next to the gunman and could maybe tackle him, that might work. Doesn’t the school have guidelines?

KM: I don’t know. But interesting you should mention the tackle thing because he did also ask that if he tackled a gunman and got killed, would he go to heaven? Even if he hadn’t confessed or prayed for a while?

God: If he’s trying to save people then… yeah, I guess… I don’t see why not… but if he had a suicidal motive… well… I probably need more information really. Did he ask anything else?

KM: No that’s it.

God: Okay then. Until next time.

KM: Like tits on a bull.

God: What?

KM: Nothing. Situation normal. Night, God.

God: Night, Neel.

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