Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

Trump with Moses
Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

The reason that Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites can be summarized easily. Trump behaves exactly like the God that Evangelicals have always worshipped.

Both of them are vain, selfish, narcissistic, vengeful and capricious. God even came up with a plan to teach mankind a lesson that involved impregnating another man’s wife. What could be more Trumpian than that? God also claims credit for every good thing that happens, and deflects all things bad, “mysterious ways” being God’s equivalent of “fake news”.

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What Trump wants from his supporters is the same thing the God of Evangelicals expects from his. Obedience and unquestioning loyalty.

If Trump were to write a set of Ten Commandments they would probably be very similar to God’s top ten. Take the first four commandments for example –

Trump 1st Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – I am the Lord thy God, Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

Trump 2nd Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image for I, the Lord, your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.

Trump 3rd Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. The Lord will not absolve anyone who takes His Name in vain.

Trump 4th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the Lord, your God commanded you.

The God of the Bible states clearly that the most important four, of the ten most important things anyone has ever heard, and will ever need to hear, meaning the four most important things for people to live their whole lives by, are all to do with praise, worship and loyalty. They are all about how great God is.

Would Trump have stopped at just four? Who knows?

Trump 5th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord, your God is giving you.

There’s an implied threat in this one, just as there is with Trump needing to obey Putin if he wants his days of freedom to be long.

The God of the Bible does not include rape and slavery in his Ten Commandments, and it’s highly unlikely that Trump would either, given his behaviour, although the Commandments are rules that don’t apply to the person making the rule. “Thou shalt not kill” isn’t a seamless fit with the story of Noah’s Ark, for example, if it’s interpreted as “nobody should kill”, but what it actually says is “you shall not kill”. God will do whatever he pleases.

Trump 6th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not murder.

Trump 7th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not commit adultery.

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Trump 8th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not steal.

Trump 9th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Trump 10th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s house. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to him.

And there endeth the Commandments.

Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites becauseTrump behaves exactly like the vain, selfish, narcissistic, vengeful, jealous and capricious God that Evangelicals have always worshipped.

Any person who can be conned into taking a knee for either one of these megalomaniacs can likely be conned into taking a knee for the other.

Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites. Stupid? That’s another thing.

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One Way One Truth

One Way One Truth One Jesus One God

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, what happened to that old One Way Jesus with the pointy finger thing?

God: Did something happen to it?

KM: I don’t hear it so much these days. In fact the last time I heard it was a guy at an airport over a year ago bitching about how many air points it cost for an upgrade. What? One way? Jesus!

God: Very funny.

KM: And ISIS use the pointy finger sign too. What sort of idiots flash a gang sign that’s the same as the other gang’s?

God: Do you have something to say, or are you happy just trying to annoy me?

KM: Are they right? That the only way to heaven is through Jesus?

God: Well, yeah, I suppose… for them.

KM: That would mean everybody else is wrong. Billions of people believe in other ways to Nirvana. They can’t all be right.

God: It’s a curly one, I’ll give you that.

KM: It’s the exclusive club thing isn’t it? We are the chosen ones. God’s favourites to the exclusion of all others. We get heaven, you get hell, ha ha ha. And it’s okay for us to enjoy the thought of your eternal suffering because God is great and on our side.

God: I try to be inclusive to all.

KM: That’s not what your fans say. They say you’ve given them the universal, singular truth. One Way. The Path. The Truth. The Light. The Stairway To Heaven.

God: If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now. As long as they find Heaven, what’s the problem?

KM: The mutually exclusive claims are the problem. I know you don’t want to pick sides, but they can’t all be right.

God: Perhaps at different times, in different places…

KM: Okay, okay. Enough already. Moving on. Did you ever notice that there’s only one theory of gravitation? One theory of evolution? And did you ever notice that real scientists don’t have to claim that there’s only one version of science. There just is. The laws of physics are the same in India as they are in Alaska. There’s pseudo-science of course, crystals and all manner of healing quackery, but pseudo-science never made a plane fly, let alone a phone call.

God: What’s that got to do with faith?

KM: Nothing. There’s no faith required. But, if there is a singular truth, science has to be the best contender. It doesn’t care where you were born. It doesn’t care what your parents believe or try to make you believe. It’s the same thing everywhere. There aren’t thousands of different gravities. Or different versions of gravity. Just one. One that adheres to one set of rules, one theory, that accounts for every measured observation of it, so far. Everywhere. In other words, it’s the truth. Same for evolution. Every newly discovered piece of evidence confirms it. There is no contradictory evidence.

God: There are thousands of contradictory opinions on evolution.

KM: Opinions aren’t evidence.

God: What about quantum gravity?

KM: What about it? When science reaches the boundaries of knowledge, it admits uncertainty. Which is a fine principle. Science doesn’t pretend to know things it has no way of knowing. It knows how to fly to the other side of the world. It doesn’t pretend to know how to fly to the edge of the universe. It’ll have a good think about it and tell you what it thinks might happen. But it won’t pretend to know what it doesn’t know. That’s what the truth looks like. No pointy finger required.

God: You’re getting way too serious tonight, Neel. You should stop thinking before you hurt your brain. I think I prefer you when you’ve been drinking.

KM: What makes you think I haven’t been drinking? Of course I’ve been drinking. Do you have any idea what it’s like living on this crazy fucking ant farm of yours in 2018?

God: You do realise I only exist in your head?

KM: Of course I do. I may be insane, but I’m not fucking crazy.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God. Thanks for listening.

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Monkeys in the Image of God



Monkeys in the Image of God

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, Ken’s hamming it up again. I think he doth protest a bit much. I mean a quick glance at Ken Ham’s face is enough to see the family resemblance. If you didn’t make Monkeys in the image of God, why did you make Ken Ham look like a monkey? Or an ape, if we’re going to be picky. Cornelius in particular. You don’t need to answer that. But you could have avoided the confusion about man being special or not. Why didn’t you make us unique? As in, having no common DNA with anything else?

God: That would be too easy.

KM: Too easy? You know what I say when a waiter says too easy? I say hold on. Come back here. Too easy, huh? Too fucking easy? Well excuse me. In that case I’ll change my order. I’ll have the honey baked salmon instead.
Sir, I don’t think we have salmon on the menu tonight.
Perfect. So it won’t be too easy. I want a fresh salmon. And by fresh I mean wade into the fucking river and grab one and bring it straight back here still flapping. Still too easy? I want it from that part of the river where all the grizzlies catch theirs. Still too easy, dickhead? Before catching the salmon I want you to cover your naked body in fresh honey by diving head first into a large active beehive. Still too easy?
No, sir. Not easy at all.
Excellent. One more thing.
Sir?
Hurry up.

God: Neel, have you been drinking?

KM: Of course I’ve been fucking drinking. Look at the state of this fucking lunatic planet I have to live on. The most powerful man in the world has a mental age of nine. And he’s a narcissistic bully. Who can’t read. And thinks television ratings are more important than doing his fucking job. Wouldn’t you drink?

God: Fair point.

KM: What’s the wine like in Heaven?

God: The best. Beautiful flavours, with a high like heroin and opium put together and no hangover. But let’s not digress.

KM: Did you just lick your lips?

God: You think I’m not susceptible to suggestion? I made you in my image.

KM: You’re an alcoholic?

God: Not all men are alcoholics.

KM: Okay. But if you made man in your own image does that mean you’re 98.8% monkey?

God: Perhaps I will have that drink.

KM: Or 70% jellyfish?

God: Now you’re being silly.

KM: Well I have had a few.

God: Might be time you hit the sack then, Neel.

KM: I still noticed that you evaded every question.

God: I answered the questions, Neel. In mysterious ways.

KM: Like always. You’d make a good politician.

God: You want to be struck by lightning?

KM: I dare you!

God: Good night, Neel.

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God is working, winter always gives way to spring

God is working Winter always gives way to spring
God is working, winter always gives way to spring

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, you there? I hope I’m not interrupting you.

God: Of course not, Neel. Why would you say that?

KM: Well, that smarmy-faced bullshitter Joel Osteen said you’re working.

God: I’m always working, Neel. Even now. This is what I do.

KM: Of course you are. Silly old me.

God: No problem, Neel. Something I can help you with?

KM: According to the grinning charlatan’s tweet, God is working, winter always gives way to spring. Given that everything he talks about leads to him asking for money, aren’t you a bit pissed that he’s exploiting the change of seasons to fleece the gullible? Besides the season’s only just changed.

God: I think he’s speaking metaphorically. About things getting better for individuals.

KM: Yeah, himself especially, I get that, but you and I both know he’s full of shit.

God: Did you have a question?

KM: Yeah. Just out of interest, how much work do you have to do to get the seasons to change?

God: Well, that’s not a simple thing to quantify in terms a human could understand.

KM: I though it would be pretty much running on autopilot by now, you know with the planets just spinning round and the momentum basically doing all the work?

God: Well there is that. But someone has to keep an eye on it to make sure it’s working properly.

KM: So you have to give the old earth a bit of a nudge from time to time?

God: Sort of.

KM: Doesn’t that mess with satellites and space probes and things? Why don’t they end up flying all over the place?

God: It’s all done at once. Invisible hand sort of thing.

KM: Okay… So he’s not really telling the truth about you working to change the season at the right time?

God: I’m sure there’s meaning in what he says.

KM: I hope so. He makes enough money for saying it.

God: He sure does.

KM: Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

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