Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

Trump with Moses
Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

The reason that Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites can be summarized easily. Trump behaves exactly like the God that Evangelicals have always worshipped.

Both of them are vain, selfish, narcissistic, vengeful and capricious. God even came up with a plan to teach mankind a lesson that involved impregnating another man’s wife. What could be more Trumpian than that? God also claims credit for every good thing that happens, and deflects all things bad, “mysterious ways” being God’s equivalent of “fake news”.

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What Trump wants from his supporters is the same thing the God of Evangelicals expects from his. Obedience and unquestioning loyalty.

If Trump were to write a set of Ten Commandments they would probably be very similar to God’s top ten. Take the first four commandments for example –

Trump 1st Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – I am the Lord thy God, Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

Trump 2nd Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image for I, the Lord, your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.

Trump 3rd Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. The Lord will not absolve anyone who takes His Name in vain.

Trump 4th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the Lord, your God commanded you.

The God of the Bible states clearly that the most important four, of the ten most important things anyone has ever heard, and will ever need to hear, meaning the four most important things for people to live their whole lives by, are all to do with praise, worship and loyalty. They are all about how great God is.

Would Trump have stopped at just four? Who knows?

Trump 5th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord, your God is giving you.

There’s an implied threat in this one, just as there is with Trump needing to obey Putin if he wants his days of freedom to be long.

The God of the Bible does not include rape and slavery in his Ten Commandments, and it’s highly unlikely that Trump would either, given his behaviour, although the Commandments are rules that don’t apply to the person making the rule. “Thou shalt not kill” isn’t a seamless fit with the story of Noah’s Ark, for example, if it’s interpreted as “nobody should kill”, but what it actually says is “you shall not kill”. God will do whatever he pleases.

Trump 6th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not murder.

Trump 7th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not commit adultery.

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Trump 8th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not steal.

Trump 9th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Trump 10th Commandment Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites

God – Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s house. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to him.

And there endeth the Commandments.

Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites becauseTrump behaves exactly like the vain, selfish, narcissistic, vengeful, jealous and capricious God that Evangelicals have always worshipped.

Any person who can be conned into taking a knee for either one of these megalomaniacs can likely be conned into taking a knee for the other.

Evangelical Trump supporters are not hypocrites. Stupid? That’s another thing.

kneelingman avatar

 

The Not Very Intelligent Design of Knees

Knees – the weakest link?

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, I just realised I didn’t put quite enough about knees in my new book, Not Very Intelligent Design.

God: Really? I think you said more than enough about everything, quite frankly.

Knees need a smaller hammer
Knees are tapped with special hammers

KM: When it comes to knees, I understand why you stuffed up.

God: I don’t stuff up. I may work in mysterious ways, but I don’t stuff up.

KM: Your first four commandments are all about praising you, right?

God: Sort of, ish, yeah…

KM: And that involves us getting down on our knees, right?

God: That’s the traditional way.

KM: Your knees don’t need to be as sturdy as ours because you don’t pray to yourself, do you? Or do you?

God: Of course not.

KM: In fact lying around on soft clouds all day means you hardly use your knees at all. So you see, making us in your own image was a stuff up. Because human knees give a lot of trouble and pain and often need replacing well before the rest of the body gives up.

God: You think I should do another big flood and start over with Humans 2.0?

KM: If you do, make sure you read my book first.

God: I know what’s in your book, Neel. I know everything.

KM: Yeah right, I’m tired. Good night.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: There’s another stuff up. The fact that we need a sleeping pill industry.

God: Are you still talking?

KM: No. I’m trying to sleep.

For those who’ve not yet read it
here’s an excerpt about knees from
Not Very Intelligent Design

KNEES

Knees are a problem. Mainly because they’re just not strong enough for the job. Any kind of load or stress can injure them. Fear can make them tremble, as can upright coitus. Ligaments and cartilage are easily torn. Knees can fracture, swell and freeze. And when they get a bit of age on them they can develop osteoarthritis. They should be built out of a tougher material. Like titanium. Which they probably will be if you have to have them replaced.

Knees are often hit by doctors with small hammers, although nobody’s quite sure why. It is thought that the practice was first seen in a movie called Doctor Doctor in 1943, which was the story of a single woman who was so keen to have a son who was a doctor that she legally changed her surname to Doctor, and then named her first born son Doctor, just to make sure. Unfortunately Doctor Doctor didn’t manage to qualify for medical school and went to work in a hospital as a janitor.

One day there was an emergency, and on hearing someone call doctor, Doctor Doctor looked up and before he could dispel the error, was rushed by the arm to the emergency room. A dazed looking patient was sitting on the edge of a bed and Doctor Doctor, who happened to be carrying a small hammer, was asked to diagnose the patient’s condition.

Knees
Doctor Doctor’s original knee hammer

After a moment of bewildered hesitation, Doctor Doctor commenced the consultation by giving the patient a light tap on each knee. The reflexive kicks caused the nurses to start giggling which encouraged Doctor Doctor to repeat the action. The ensuing hilarity and applause caused more and more people to gather round and Doctor Doctor was carried away in the moment, performing more and more intricate rhythmic tapping routines on the knees of the unfortunate patient, who subsequently required bilateral knee replacement surgery.

After being dismissed by the hospital, Doctor Doctor began to perform the routine as a side show in a travelling circus, before turning the act into a new branch of medicine called Reflexology, thus finally fulfilling his mother’s dreams.
Knees – 3/10 (Too fragile, insufficiently flexible.)

Excerpt from Not Very Intelligent Design –  available HERE.

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The Ten Commandments – thirty five percent useful

The Ten Commandments - thirty five percent useful

The Ten Commandments – thirty five percent useful

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! I was talking to some people the other day about the Ten Commandments. A few questions came up.

God: Uh huh.

KM: Firstly the Bible says that you carved them in stone, on two tablets. Is that true?

God: Sort of. I didn’t personally carve them, but I caused them to be carved.

KM: So Moses carved them?

God: People like Moses.

KM: And they’re your exact words?

God: A little bit always gets lost in translation.

KM: But they’re basically your ten commandments.

God: Yes, Neel. What were the questions?

KM: My friend said that he thought making the first four all about needing to praise you was a bit, how can I put this without sounding too critical… narcissistic?

God: I admit it may seem a little bit that way.

KM: But you are God, the only god, so what’s the point of saying we must not pray to any other gods?

God: Back in the day, people were praying to all manner of gods. Zeus, Thor, Neptune. The Aztecs were dragging young virgins up pyramids and cutting their hearts out. So it was pretty important to get across the one single god idea so that all that nonsense would stop.

KM: Right. Fair enough. I hadn’t really looked at it that way. Let’s move on to number five.

God: Honour thy father and thy mother.

KM: Exactly. Seems a bit redundant to me.

God: Why’s that, Neel?

KM: Well everybody I know with decent parents loves them and honours them anyway. They don’t need to be commanded to do it. But if your parents had sold you into child slavery for example, having to honour them as a pre-condition for getting into Heaven seems a bit tough. They wouldn’t really deserve to be honoured would they?

God: Once again, times have changed. Sometimes fathers had to sell daughters just to make ends meet.

KM: Okay. Well let’s leave that for now and move on to tablet two.

God: Commandment number six. Thou shalt not kill.

KM: That’s a good one. Nobody had any problem with that. One hundred percent approval.

God: You’re saying I’m one for six in your friends’ eyes right now?

KM: Pretty much. Let’s go to number seven.

God: Thou shalt not commit adultery.

KM: As a general concept it’s fine, but to be written in stone sort of implies no exceptions, don’t you think?

God: It does have that about it.

KM: What about a young woman, newly married, husband goes off to war, doesn’t return. Probably dead, but nobody knows for sure. Does she have to stay celibate for the rest of her life?

God: That’s a curly one.

KM: But the same commandment means that a fifty year old man, who bought a nine year old girl from the father we talked about earlier, commits no crime when he sleeps with her. Even though he’s effectively bought a sex slave.

God: It’s hard to write things that perfectly fit all examples for all time on two tablets of stone, Neel. Twitter gives you more space than that and you know what happens there.

KM: Fair point. Thou shalt not steal. Another winner.

God: Two for eight?

KM: Two and a half for eight. Half a point for adultery.

God: Gee thanks.

KM: Thou shalt not bear false witness. That’s fine. Three and a half for nine.

God: Commandment number ten. Thou shalt not covet. How did that go?

KM: Not well. It’s pretty hard not to look at a neighbour’s new Corvette and not admire it. We figured that coveting was merely human nature. So long as you have no plan to act on it, then it’s not really a carved-in-stone level of sin.

God: Half a point?

KM: Nah, sorry. Final score, three and a half out of ten.

God: Well, Neel, as I said before, times change. If I was going to write ten commandments today, they wouldn’t be quite the same.

KM: Why don’t you? Isn’t it about time? I mean you could use those other six and a half commandments for things that didn’t make the cut last time. Like rape, child abuse, slavery, physical assault, starting wars…

God: Thou shalt not discriminate for reason of race, tribe, gender, sexual orientation, religious belief, or lack of…

KM: Exactly! Freedom of speech… not trying to impose your beliefs on others…

God: I hear you Neel, and I am working on it. But I don’t want to carve anything in stone until I’m sure it’s right. Be a shame to rush into it, look what happened last time. And knowing how critical you and your friends can be…

KM: Sorry about that God, just trying not to bear false witness.

God: Good work, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night. God.

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