Spouse of Mary aka St Joseph the Cuckold Day

Spouse of Mary aka St Joseph the Cuckold
Spouse of Mary aka St Joseph the Cuckold

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, your boy’s on fire today. Jamming a whole shitload of piss-takes into one little tweet.

God: What are you talking about, Neel?

KM: Best wishes to fathers?

God: Yeah, and?

KM: Well he wasn’t a father was he, old Joseph? He was a cuckold. Catholic doctrine preaches the perpetual virginity of Mary, despite conflicting reports of siblings, so he’s clearly taking the piss.

God: It’s Father’s Day in Italy.

KM: Really? They conflate St Joe the Cuckold Day with Father’s Day and expect nobody to notice how stupid that is?

God: They do get away with a lot. Besides he didn’t actually say Joseph was a father. He said, “And best wishes to fathers!”

KM: Good spotting. Either way, he’s still taking the piss. St Joseph? That’s a piss-take in its own right. Sainthood for dying in the arms of Jesus and Mary? The patron saint of a happy death? Everybody dies. But he gets to be a saint for dying nicely? Jesus wept.

God: I’m sure he did.

KM: Next up, Patron of the Universal Church? What the hell does that mean? Is that like the Miss Universe contest? Everybody knows there’s no universal church. There’s three or four thousand bloody silly religions on this one little planet alone.

God: The simplicity of unity helps believers to believe.

KM: Lift your game, God. That’s the sort of nonsense charlatans like the Pope and Deepak come up with.

God: It may sound like papal bull but it actually makes sense.

KM: Okay, fine. But we’re up to three piss-takes in one tweet so far. And there’s still one more to come. May the saint of peaceful death bless you and watch over you.

God: Why’s that a piss-take?

KM: Well even if the death saint’s blessing doesn’t actually bring death, which it sounds like it should, he’s the last one I’d want watching over me. He couldn’t even keep an eye on his missus.

God: Yep, fair point.

KM: Do you think he might’ve been impotent? No Viagra back then, was there?

God: Not the sort of thing they really talked about was it?

KM: Plenty of topics were off limits, that’s for sure. Finally, a serious question.

God: Go on.

KM: Why are they so keen on venerating virgins? If you take that to its logical conclusion and everybody decided to be perfectly holy, meaning virgins, the result would be the extinction of humanity. How stupid’s that?

God: It’s a good thing humanity has an aversion to logical conclusions.

KM: And logic in general. Amen to that, big boy.

God: Night, Neel. Try not to drink so much.

KM: How else am I meant to make sense of it?

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Educating an act of love, giving life

Educating an act of love
Pope thanks all who teach in Catholic schools

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, what’s this shit? Educating an act of love, giving life? Could almost be a description of fornication, no? You’d think he’d be more careful about this sort of thing. What with all the pedophile priest business.

God: You think he’s thanking teachers who have sex with their pupils?

KM: Maybe he’s giving them a sly nod for doing the work of the church. You know, indoctrinate children for us and it’s okay if you fuck a few of them. The church preaches love. So what’s wrong with a bit of the old educating an act of love? Nudge, wink.

God: I don’t think that’s what he’s saying, Neel.

KM: He’s thanking “all those who teach in Catholic schools”. That definitely includes the pedos. That’s almost worse than “very fine people on both sides.”

God: I doubt that’s what he means.

KM: Really? He sentenced a pedophile priest to a lifetime of prayer. What’s the punishment for a singer who commits murder? A lifetime of singing?

God: The Vatican does seem to be morally compromised from time to time.

KM: I think you mean all the time. Anyway, do you think it’s a good idea to indoctrinate children?

God: It’s definitely good for the church. Keeps the numbers up.

KM: Is it good for the children? Or for the world as a whole?

God: That’s a big question.

KM: Okay. Try this. If children in the middle east were not brainwashed by being made to learn the Quran, would they be more or less likely to kill each other?

God: Well…

KM: Oh come, on. No bullshit now. If there was no religion there’d be a lot less killing. Admit it. It’s so fucking obvious. You start lying to me and I won’t even bother imagining that you exist any more.

God: All right, all right. That’s true. Neighbours with different religious beliefs do tend to kill each other more than neighbours with the same beliefs.

KM: Or neighbours with no beliefs. Like the Scandinavian countries. Or Australia and New Zealand. Countries with mostly atheist populations are the most peaceful places on earth. True or false?

God:

KM: True or false?

God: True.

KM: How do you feel about that?

God: What is this, a bloody interview?

KM: Nice Aussie accent. Are you trying to pander to me?

God: Aren’t you tired, Neel?

KM: Bloody right, I am. Sick and tired. Of all the bullshit.

God: Goodnight, Neel.

KM: Night.

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Monkeys in the Image of God



Monkeys in the Image of God

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, Ken’s hamming it up again. I think he doth protest a bit much. I mean a quick glance at Ken Ham’s face is enough to see the family resemblance. If you didn’t make Monkeys in the image of God, why did you make Ken Ham look like a monkey? Or an ape, if we’re going to be picky. Cornelius in particular. You don’t need to answer that. But you could have avoided the confusion about man being special or not. Why didn’t you make us unique? As in, having no common DNA with anything else?

God: That would be too easy.

KM: Too easy? You know what I say when a waiter says too easy? I say hold on. Come back here. Too easy, huh? Too fucking easy? Well excuse me. In that case I’ll change my order. I’ll have the honey baked salmon instead.
Sir, I don’t think we have salmon on the menu tonight.
Perfect. So it won’t be too easy. I want a fresh salmon. And by fresh I mean wade into the fucking river and grab one and bring it straight back here still flapping. Still too easy? I want it from that part of the river where all the grizzlies catch theirs. Still too easy, dickhead? Before catching the salmon I want you to cover your naked body in fresh honey by diving head first into a large active beehive. Still too easy?
No, sir. Not easy at all.
Excellent. One more thing.
Sir?
Hurry up.

God: Neel, have you been drinking?

KM: Of course I’ve been fucking drinking. Look at the state of this fucking lunatic planet I have to live on. The most powerful man in the world has a mental age of nine. And he’s a narcissistic bully. Who can’t read. And thinks television ratings are more important than doing his fucking job. Wouldn’t you drink?

God: Fair point.

KM: What’s the wine like in Heaven?

God: The best. Beautiful flavours, with a high like heroin and opium put together and no hangover. But let’s not digress.

KM: Did you just lick your lips?

God: You think I’m not susceptible to suggestion? I made you in my image.

KM: You’re an alcoholic?

God: Not all men are alcoholics.

KM: Okay. But if you made man in your own image does that mean you’re 98.8% monkey?

God: Perhaps I will have that drink.

KM: Or 70% jellyfish?

God: Now you’re being silly.

KM: Well I have had a few.

God: Might be time you hit the sack then, Neel.

KM: I still noticed that you evaded every question.

God: I answered the questions, Neel. In mysterious ways.

KM: Like always. You’d make a good politician.

God: You want to be struck by lightning?

KM: I dare you!

God: Good night, Neel.

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Question for God from Nigel

Question for God from Nigel

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, it’s that time again. I have a question for God from Nigel. Nigel wants to know how and why you created day and night three days before you created the Sun and the Moon?

God: The amazing thing, Neel, is that more people don’t question that. Not to mention plants and trees and fruit, all being created before the sun.

KM: So what’s the answer?

God: Well the guys that wrote the Bible got it wrong, obviously.

KM: Isn’t the Bible your infallible word?

God: It should be. But you think it’s hard to get good help these days? Try back then. Finding someone who wasn’t part of the establishment who was even semi-literate wasn’t easy.

KM: So it was a transcription problem?

God: Transcription problem, malfunction, meltdown. Lost in translation. Chinese whispers. All of that. And, on top of the poor standard of literacy, they really didn’t have a clue about how anything worked.

KM: So whatever they wrote down they never questioned?

God: Exactly. It’s unfair to call them stupid, because that was the standard of the time, but by today’s standards they were very stupid and ignorant beyond belief.

KM: Which is why they could write about creating trees and fruit before the sun existed.

God: Exactly. It’s obviously ridiculous. They thought the world was flat back then.

KM: They must have seen boats go over the horizon and come back. It’s only a few miles to the horizon when you stand on a beach.

God: Two point nine in fact. Or four point seven kilometres. For a person of average height. Which is one point eight metres or thereabouts.

KM: I think we’re digressing.

God: Really?

KM: Why didn’t you fix it?

God: The Bible?

KM: Yeah. But specifically the bit we’re talking about. The stuff right at the start of Genesis that makes no sense. That in today’s world is so obviously, scientifically, just flat out impossibly wrong.

God: I thought it was funny at the time. Sort of like a blooper reel. I thought it would be interesting to see how long it would take for people to realise that it was ridiculous and needed fixing, and then fix it.

KM: But they never did.

God: No. You all got a lot smarter, but not in every way. Still a few places in the human brain that haven’t advanced at all compared to your ancestors.

KM: Meaning superstition?

God: Mm hmm.

KM: Gullibility would seem to be our biggest shortcoming as a species.

God: Amen to that.

KM: Okay, thanks, God.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

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Beauty in God’s plan for humanity

Beauty in God's plan for humanity

Beauty in God’s plan for humanity

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, his vaticanly holiness has fired out another another word salad one. I think he probably has his people knock up a whole lot of random ecclesiastical sounding tweets so he can pretty much whip them off the shelf as he needs them.

God: He also tweets about current events.

KM: Yeah, but not very often.

God: Whenever he deems it necessary.

KM: So does he get people to generate a stash of tweets or not?

God: How would I know?

KM: You know everything.

God: Fair enough. But you understand the concept of doctor patient confidentiality right?

KM: You’re not a doctor. You told me that when I said my knees hurt.

God: And I’m not a lawyer either. But my requirement for confidentiality is greater then all the doctors and lawyers combined.

KM: So you’re not going to tell me who writes the Pope’s tweets?

God: No.

KM: Can you tell me any secrets at all?

God: What sort of secrets?

KM: The sort of stuff you tell prophets. You know, revelations.

God: Are you thinking of starting your own church?

KM: There’s good money in it, apparently.

God: There are more than enough churches already, Neel.

KM: So that’s a no?

God: That’s a no.

KM: But you don’t mind me posting our conversations on the internet?

God: Not at all. Why would I?

KM: In case people did start to treat me like a prophet.

God: Why would they do that?

KM: Because I’m talking to you directly. Just like the Pope.

God: You think people will believe you?

KM: Why not? Some people believe all that ludicrous crap in the Book of Mormon.

God: Good point. And what about Scientology? I’m amazed anyone believes that nonsense. And I know exactly how stupid people are.

KM: What do you think might be a good story to make up if you did want to start a church?

God: It’s time you got some sleep, Neel.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel.

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Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God

Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God
Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Does this mean the Pope trusts your mother more than he trusts you and Jesus?

God: I doubt that’s what he means.

KM: So it’s more like, give Mary a go because 2016 was such a crapper?

God: No, I don’t think that either, Neel. He’s saying that Mary is most merciful, so entrusting a year to her may bring peace.

KM: Uh huh. Two questions on that. Most merciful, meaning more merciful than you? And, do you think it’ll work, as in actually bringing peace?

God: No and maybe.

KM: Maybe?

God: And maybe not. But there’s nothing wrong with hope.

KM: Unless it’s unrealistic.

God: It’s better than no hope. Aren’t you tired, Neel?

KM: Not really. If Mary’s your mother, who’s your daddy?

God: Mary’s my mother in the sense of being Jesus’ mother, because Jesus is also me. I am the father.

KM: And the son and the Holy Ghost.

God: Correct.

KM: It’s not simple is it?

God: It makes sense to the faithful.

KM: Of course it does. So you’re happy that Mary’s in charge for 2017?

God: She won’t actually be in charge, that’s still my job.

KM: So what’s the point of the Pope’s tweet?

God: To bring hope to the faithful.

KM: Even forlorn hope?

God: You’re going round in circles now, Neel. You should get some rest.

KM: Okay. Good night, God.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

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Question for God from Helen


Question for God from Helen

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? I have a question for God from Helen. It’s a bit of a curly one.

God: Curly like a pig’s tail?

KM: Sort of. In that it’s to do with Jews and Muslims. What’s with that whole anti-bacon thing anyway?

God: Is that the question?

KM: No. Sorry. The question is, “Why did you bequeath the bulk of the world’s oil to the Muslims? I thought the Jews were your chosen people.”

God: Well the chosen people all depends on who’s talking.

KM: So the Jews aren’t your chosen people?

God: If they believe they are then they are. A lot of religions feel that way.

KM: Really?

God: Of course. Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, Rastafarians, Muslims. You name it. There are thousands of them. You can’t really be a believer unless you believe that your faith is the one true faith.

KM: Makes sense. So what about the oil then?

God: Oil wasn’t important back then.

KM: But you must have known it’d become important?

God: Well, yeah, sure.

KM: So why did you put so much of it in one place? Specifically, under the Muslims?

God: There weren’t any Muslims when I put the oil there.

KM: Oh, yeah. I hadn’t thought about that. But you must have known…

God: Besides I didn’t put it all there. It’s all over the place. It’s just that the easy to find stuff was found there first.

KM: So it wasn’t favouritism?

God: I’ve already given you two reasons why it wasn’t.

KM: Still seems a bit unfair.

God: Life isn’t fair, Neel. That’s a lesson everyone needs to learn. And besides if people hadn’t been so stupid and slow to get onto solar power the whole oil thing wouldn’t have been anything like such a big deal.

KM: Stupid or vested interests?

God: Fair point. Both really. Electric motors were invented about the same time as internal combustion engines. From that point on you guys stuffed it up. You can’t blame everything on me.

KM: Fair enough. Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel.

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The Ten Commandments – thirty five percent useful

The Ten Commandments - thirty five percent useful

The Ten Commandments – thirty five percent useful

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! I was talking to some people the other day about the Ten Commandments. A few questions came up.

God: Uh huh.

KM: Firstly the Bible says that you carved them in stone, on two tablets. Is that true?

God: Sort of. I didn’t personally carve them, but I caused them to be carved.

KM: So Moses carved them?

God: People like Moses.

KM: And they’re your exact words?

God: A little bit always gets lost in translation.

KM: But they’re basically your ten commandments.

God: Yes, Neel. What were the questions?

KM: My friend said that he thought making the first four all about needing to praise you was a bit, how can I put this without sounding too critical… narcissistic?

God: I admit it may seem a little bit that way.

KM: But you are God, the only god, so what’s the point of saying we must not pray to any other gods?

God: Back in the day, people were praying to all manner of gods. Zeus, Thor, Neptune. The Aztecs were dragging young virgins up pyramids and cutting their hearts out. So it was pretty important to get across the one single god idea so that all that nonsense would stop.

KM: Right. Fair enough. I hadn’t really looked at it that way. Let’s move on to number five.

God: Honour thy father and thy mother.

KM: Exactly. Seems a bit redundant to me.

God: Why’s that, Neel?

KM: Well everybody I know with decent parents loves them and honours them anyway. They don’t need to be commanded to do it. But if your parents had sold you into child slavery for example, having to honour them as a pre-condition for getting into Heaven seems a bit tough. They wouldn’t really deserve to be honoured would they?

God: Once again, times have changed. Sometimes fathers had to sell daughters just to make ends meet.

KM: Okay. Well let’s leave that for now and move on to tablet two.

God: Commandment number six. Thou shalt not kill.

KM: That’s a good one. Nobody had any problem with that. One hundred percent approval.

God: You’re saying I’m one for six in your friends’ eyes right now?

KM: Pretty much. Let’s go to number seven.

God: Thou shalt not commit adultery.

KM: As a general concept it’s fine, but to be written in stone sort of implies no exceptions, don’t you think?

God: It does have that about it.

KM: What about a young woman, newly married, husband goes off to war, doesn’t return. Probably dead, but nobody knows for sure. Does she have to stay celibate for the rest of her life?

God: That’s a curly one.

KM: But the same commandment means that a fifty year old man, who bought a nine year old girl from the father we talked about earlier, commits no crime when he sleeps with her. Even though he’s effectively bought a sex slave.

God: It’s hard to write things that perfectly fit all examples for all time on two tablets of stone, Neel. Twitter gives you more space than that and you know what happens there.

KM: Fair point. Thou shalt not steal. Another winner.

God: Two for eight?

KM: Two and a half for eight. Half a point for adultery.

God: Gee thanks.

KM: Thou shalt not bear false witness. That’s fine. Three and a half for nine.

God: Commandment number ten. Thou shalt not covet. How did that go?

KM: Not well. It’s pretty hard not to look at a neighbour’s new Corvette and not admire it. We figured that coveting was merely human nature. So long as you have no plan to act on it, then it’s not really a carved-in-stone level of sin.

God: Half a point?

KM: Nah, sorry. Final score, three and a half out of ten.

God: Well, Neel, as I said before, times change. If I was going to write ten commandments today, they wouldn’t be quite the same.

KM: Why don’t you? Isn’t it about time? I mean you could use those other six and a half commandments for things that didn’t make the cut last time. Like rape, child abuse, slavery, physical assault, starting wars…

God: Thou shalt not discriminate for reason of race, tribe, gender, sexual orientation, religious belief, or lack of…

KM: Exactly! Freedom of speech… not trying to impose your beliefs on others…

God: I hear you Neel, and I am working on it. But I don’t want to carve anything in stone until I’m sure it’s right. Be a shame to rush into it, look what happened last time. And knowing how critical you and your friends can be…

KM: Sorry about that God, just trying not to bear false witness.

God: Good work, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night. God.

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Meaning to my life here on earth

Meaning to my life here on earth
Meaning to my life here on earth

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, I don’t understand why he tweeted this. Jesus gives meaning to my life here on earth?

God: What’s to understand, Neel? It makes perfect sense to me.

KM: It’s just stating the bleeding obvious isn’t it?

God: He’s reiterating his faith.

KM: Sure, but without Jesus, he wouldn’t even have a job, let alone meaning.

God: Which is exactly what he’s saying.

KM: And hope for the life to come. Hope? A bit weak don’t you think? The whole selling premise of his organisation is that you’ll get the big payoff when you’re dead. It requires faith. Here he says he hopes for the life to come.  Hope? Hope is buying a lottery ticket. Faith is what makes people tithe ten percent. But the big kahuna can only muster hope? Sad.

God: You’re playing with words, Neel.

KM: Theologians play with words. In fact it’s pretty much all they do.

God: That’s one way of looking at it.

KM: You don’t think he’s implying there’s a possibility of Jesus not being there?

God: Not being where?

KM: Anywhere.

God: You’re not doubting your faith are you, Neel?

KM: Ha ha, good one. I’m just wondering whether the Pope might be doubting his. You know like Mother Teresa. What with all his talk of coprophagia and things.

God: I thought we agreed you shouldn’t think about that.

KM: I’ve been trying not to, but it’s like a bloody annoying Abba song that just won’t go away.

God: Which one?

KM: Cut that out. You know it’s all of them. Don’t you dare start humming.

God: I was tempted.

KM: Yeah, but don’t. Please. Anyway, I just thought if you were going to say something to ten million people you might perhaps put a bit more work into it.

God: He tweets every day pretty much. You can’t expect them all to be gems.

KM: That’d be a miracle wouldn’t it? If every single one was just, wham, knock your socks off brilliant?

God: Yes it would. Anyway, don’t you need to get some sleep?

KM: Yeah, I do. By the way, could you tell me something about the last miracle?

God: What do want to know?

KM: What was it? What actually happened? When and where? And what was the outstanding thing that made it a miracle, something that couldn’t happen according to the laws of nature?

God: I like you, Neel. Always trying to push back the curtain of mystery. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

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God is working, winter always gives way to spring

God is working Winter always gives way to spring
God is working, winter always gives way to spring

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, you there? I hope I’m not interrupting you.

God: Of course not, Neel. Why would you say that?

KM: Well, that smarmy-faced bullshitter Joel Osteen said you’re working.

God: I’m always working, Neel. Even now. This is what I do.

KM: Of course you are. Silly old me.

God: No problem, Neel. Something I can help you with?

KM: According to the grinning charlatan’s tweet, God is working, winter always gives way to spring. Given that everything he talks about leads to him asking for money, aren’t you a bit pissed that he’s exploiting the change of seasons to fleece the gullible? Besides the season’s only just changed.

God: I think he’s speaking metaphorically. About things getting better for individuals.

KM: Yeah, himself especially, I get that, but you and I both know he’s full of shit.

God: Did you have a question?

KM: Yeah. Just out of interest, how much work do you have to do to get the seasons to change?

God: Well, that’s not a simple thing to quantify in terms a human could understand.

KM: I though it would be pretty much running on autopilot by now, you know with the planets just spinning round and the momentum basically doing all the work?

God: Well there is that. But someone has to keep an eye on it to make sure it’s working properly.

KM: So you have to give the old earth a bit of a nudge from time to time?

God: Sort of.

KM: Doesn’t that mess with satellites and space probes and things? Why don’t they end up flying all over the place?

God: It’s all done at once. Invisible hand sort of thing.

KM: Okay… So he’s not really telling the truth about you working to change the season at the right time?

God: I’m sure there’s meaning in what he says.

KM: I hope so. He makes enough money for saying it.

God: He sure does.

KM: Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

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Faecal fantasies – Pope talks about getting sexually aroused by faeces

Pope ... sexually aroused by faeces?
Pope Frank … sexually aroused by faeces?

Sexually aroused by faeces

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope’s been talking about coprophagia.

God: Yes I saw that.

KM: What does it mean?

God: Why are you asking me? Didn’t you look it up?

KM: Yes, I did.

God: I know you did.

KM: Getting sexually aroused by faeces? I’d never heard of such a thing before. But the Pope seems to know all about it.

God: Knowledge is good.

KM: The Pope seems to think it’s quite a common thing. I didn’t even know it was a thing.

God: Then I’m sorry that you had to find out about it.

KM: Me too. It’s not the first time he’s talked about it either.

God: Really?

KM: In 2013 he said journalists risked becoming ill from their coprophilia, and that they could be fomenting coprophagia in their readers.

God: Uh huh.

KM: You don’t think he might be psychologically projecting do you?

God: I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you should be thinking about, Neel.

KM: I agree. Makes me feel sick. I hope he’ll stop talking about it.

God: Was there anything else, Neel?

KM: No, that’s it. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: If I can stop thinking about it I will.

km-50x50

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The mystery of the Cross understood in prayer

The mystery of the Cross

The mystery of the Cross understood in prayer

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this shit?

God: What is it now, Neel?

KM: Praying and weeping while kneeling to reveal the mystery of the cross understood in prayer. A mystery of love. What the fuck is he talking about?

God: The cross, Neel. You know, the sacred image of the crucifiction of Jesus.

KM: I know what it is. Anyway, how come all these sacred images, crucifixes and the like are okay, but graven images are in the category of “thou shalt not”?

God: Is that what you wanted to talk about?

KM: Not right now, no. But one whole commandment just to say no to engraving images? You sure you weren’t on the piss when you decided on that one? And some interpretations of that also include crosses and most of the decorations in churches. But ignore that. We’ll do that another time. It’s this mystery of the cross bullshit I want to talk about tonight. I’ve got one right here.

God: I can see that, Neel.

KM: It’s a mystery all right.

God: The cross?

KM: No, the tweet. Does it make any sense to you?

God: The Pope says it can only be understood in prayer. Have you prayed and wept, kneeling before the cross?

KM: Oh Jesus Christ, you know me better than that. Besides, I can’t just make myself cry. Maybe if you told me a sad story.

God: Not really the sort of thing I do, Neel.

KM: What is the sort of thing you do, God?

God: This, Neel. Talking to you. And others.

KM: That’s it?

God: Recently, yeah.

KM: What do you mean by recently?

God: Since Jesus came home.

KM: Like the last two thousand years?

God: Yep.

KM: Couldn’t you do a bit more?

God: A bit more what, Neel?

KM: I don’t know. Send another message or another prophet or something.

God: That would lessen the mystery wouldn’t it?

KM: The mystery of the Cross?

God: Exactly.

KM: I’m going to try to think some sad thoughts now. Maybe if I think about how many people waste their lives on delusions like this.

God: Good work, Neel. That’s the spirit. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope says love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Pope says love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Kneeling Man: Oi, God. The Pope’s talking crazy shit again. Any idea what he’s on about?

God: The importance of love, Neel. Christian love.

KM: So he’s not talking about making love then?

God: No.

KM: Well that’s lucky. Otherwise it’d be like he was asking us to get it on twenty four seven. Oh no,  over there, another empty space. Quick, we’d better fuck. Get rid of that evil.

God: Settle down, Neel. Remember who you’re talking to.

KM: Yeah, my imagination. Thanks for the reminder. So the Pope’s talking about that non-physical type of love thing?

God: For the love of Jesus, Neel, yes. Christian love.

KM: How does evil cause empty spaces?

God: Well, that’s a very complicated concept. I’m not sure we have time to go into it in detail.

KM: Just in broad terms.

God: It’s really not the sort of thing that can be summarised.

KM: Yeah, right. Okay. Are all empty spaces evil? Because there’s an awful lot of empty space in space. That’s a whole lot of evil. Actually that’d make pretty much 99.999999999% of everything in the universe evil.

God: He’s not saying the empty spaces are evil. Just that they can be caused by evil. And I don’t think he meant that all empty space in space is caused by evil. Not that sort of space.

KM: So some empty spaces are caused by evil. But probably not the ones with the blue lines and the wheelchair pictures closest to the door? Because those are good spaces, right?

God: I don’t think he was thinking about parking spaces either, Neel.

KM: So what sort of spaces was he thinking about?

God: Spaces in the heart.

KM: Oooh. Like when babies are born with a hole in their heart? Or when people get a heart murmer? Ooh my heart, it’s got an evil space, ooohhhh.

God: If you’re going to be childish, I have other things to do.

KM: Like what? Curing child cancer or stopping the odd spot of genocide? Don’t let me hold you back.

God: You’re being a real dick tonight, Neel.

KM: Okay, back to the Pope’s tweet. What does evil get out of causing empty spaces? Especially if they don’t stay evil after evil’s finished causing them.

God: Once again it’s a very complicated concept.

KM: That can’t be summarised?

God: Pretty much.

KM: If you weren’t an all knowing and beneficent God, I’d suspect that you know the Pope’s just making shit up and you’re covering for him.

God: Well that’s what you have free will for, Neel. You can think wahtever you like. Aren’t you getting tired?

KM: Just one more thing. If love is the secret of Christian living, why’s he tweeting it to the whole world? Does he not understand the concept of a secret?

God: What?

KM: Never mind.

God: Night, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, did you see this? The Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world. Saving humanity and the world’s a big one.

God: It certainly is.

KM: You think sin and evil are as big a threat as climate change?

God: They’re difficult to compare. Different categories.

KM: Are sin and evil the same category?

God: Not exactly, but they are related.

KM: So there are three things threatening humanity and the world. Sin, evil and climate change.

God: Yeah.

KM: Oh, and Islam. Four things. And if Trump really turns out to be Putin’s puppet. That’ll be five things.

God: Let’s leave Islam out of this.

KM: Why?

God: I’m trying to keep you safe, Neel.

KM: What?

God: What’s your favourite guitar sound? Maybe a Gibson Les Paul played through a Marshall amp with a fat wah wah pedal.

KM: A what? A fat wah wah… Oh yeah, right. Fat wah wah. Yep, good, right. Let’s leave Islam out of this. Okay then. Four things.

God: Yep.

KM: I don’t see how mercy can do anything about Putin and Trump or climate change, regardless of how powerful it is.

God: Which is probably why the Pope didn’t say it could.

KM: Okay so let’s not worry about Putin and Trump and climate change for now.

God: You realise that’s exactly why things got this bad?

KM: Ha ha. Good one. Shit, you’re right. You got me there. But anyway, as far as true powers go, I’ve never seen mercy do much. It can’t lift buildings, or make things invisible can it?

God: No.

KM: So what can it do as a true power?

God: It can save humanity and the world.

KM: Pretty vague answer, big boy. Maybe the Pope’s just making shit up again.

God: Look at the time, wow it’s getting late.

KM: Night, God.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

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Question for God from Lindy C

Question for God from Lindy C, from Kazakhstan

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? I have a question for God from Lindy C, from Kazakhstan.

God: I’ll just briefly take this opportunity, Neel, to say that I never forsook that country, despite what many people say.

KM: Lindy’s not saying that.

God: Okay, good.

KM: She says she was always taught that Jesus was the one way to God, and that me talking to you directly, is somehow wrong. Maybe even blasphemous.

God: Different strokes I’d say. You and I get along fine, Neel. Others prefer to go the Jesus way. And of course Jesus is also me, so I’m not sure I understand the question.

KM: I think it might be that she doesn’t fully comprehend the relationship between you and Jesus. The thing about the one way to God being through Jesus given that Jesus and you are in fact the same thing. The nuance escapes her. And me.

God: Well it’s not really that difficult. I’m the father, Jesus is my son, and also me, and then there’s the Holy Ghost, who is sort of like Jesus’ brother, but without the human bit or a mother, so more like a half brother in that he’s also me. We’re sort of all me.

KM: Yeah, well that’s pretty fucking clear, innit. I’m sure that’ll help Lindy.

God: It’s not complicated.

KM: No, just stupid beyond belief. Yet people actually do believe it somehow. Do many people pray to the Holy Ghost?

God: Hardly anybody. I’d say if anyone’s having difficulty getting enough face time with me or Jesus, they should give a shout out to the HG.

KM: But if he’s also you, how come he has spare time and you don’t?

God: Because hardly anybody prays to him, Neel. I just told you that. He’s got time coming out his ears. More people pray to Jesus’ mum than pray to the HG.

KM: Is Jesus’ mum up there with you?

God: Of course.

KM: What does she do all day?

God: She keeps an eye out for miracles.

KM: How’s that going?

God: Was that part of Lindy’s question?

KM: No, that was me asking that one.

God: Yes, I know, Neel. That slightly subversive edge of yours was showing.

KM: Sorry about that.

God: Was there anything else?

KM: Did you finish answering Lindy’s question?

God: Lindy should pray to Jesus if that makes her feel comfortable. Or the HG, as previously mentioned. As far as her thinking that I could be involved in something blasphemous… well that just makes no sense at all.

KM: Like a lot of things. Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel.

KM: Oh, one more thing. Since Jesus’ mum,  aka holy Mary mother of God, is up there with you, is it worth me trying to have to have a little chat to her some time, or does miracle watch keep her pretty busy?

God: Why would you want to talk to her when you can talk to me?

KM: I just want to know if she’s comfortable with the whole paternity thing.

God: Go on.

KM: Well, if she was impregnated by you in order to produce Jesus, and Jesus is you, that sort of means that Jesus was his own father… It’s not quite incest, but it sort of is, isn’t it, or is it more like inbreeding? Is there a difference?

God: You sound tired, Neel. And confused. And drunk. Go to bed.

KM: It also means Jesus is a real motherfucker.

God: You think I’ll let her talk to you if you’re going to be like that?

KM: Oh, so women don’t get to make their own decisions in heaven?

God: Stop being a dick. Good night.

KM: Night, God. That was fun. And thanks to you too, Lindy. How’s Kazakhstan these days?

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Pope tweets a Heart full of love – not a Led Zep song

Pope tweets a Heart full of love - not a Led Zep song

Pope tweets a Heart full of love – not a Led Zep song

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope’s tweeting about a heart full of love. Sounds pretty good.

God: Nothing finer.

KM: And all I have to do to get one is to be merciful. How merciful will I have to be to get one?

God: I’m not following you.

KM: Like if I chose not to kill an ant, that wouldn’t be enough mercy to get a whole heart full of love would it?

God: Probably not, no.

KM: So it would be either lots of small acts of mercy, or maybe one really big one?

God: Rather than hold out for a big one, try being merciful every day.

KM: Okay. How long would it take to fill my heart with love if I do that?

God: Hard to say exactly. Might take a while.

KM: And what sort of love would it be?

God: What sort of love?

KM: Yeah. You know, the furry little kitten sort of love, or the can’t wait to see my brand new girlfriend again because this boner’s almost tearing the front out of my jeans sort of love.

God: I think it’s more like feeling love for the world, for everything and everyone.

KM: So both kinds?

God: No, Neel. Not the boner kind. That’s different.

KM: Oh.

God: It’s still really good love. Honestly.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You will try to be merciful?

KM: Yep. Night.

God: Good night, Neel.

KM: What would I have to do to get a heartful of the boner kind of love?

God: I’ve already said good night. Now turn off the light.

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Question for God from Andrew G

Question for God from Andrew G

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, you listening? I’ve got a question for God from Andrew G. He’s thirteen years old.

God: Shoot.

KM: Well that was an unfortunate word choice. He wants to know what he should do if a gunman comes into his classroom?

God: Oops. Sorry about that. That’s a tricky one.

KM: Yep. Glad I don’t have to answer it.

God: It would depend on a few things. He might be able to escape out another door.

KM: It’s a classroom, God. They’ve often got just the one.

God: It might be an idea to make sure they all have two or three in future.

KM: That’s not really going to help Andrew right now though is it?

God: No, I see your point. What’s the likelihood of there being a good guy with a gun in there?

KM: Are you taking the fucking piss? It’s a fucking school. If the kids and teachers start bringing guns into classrooms what do you think might happen?

God: Yeah, okay. If Andrew’s at the back of the room, maybe hiding on the floor would be best. Or… If he’s right next to the gunman and could maybe tackle him, that might work. Doesn’t the school have guidelines?

KM: I don’t know. But interesting you should mention the tackle thing because he did also ask that if he tackled a gunman and got killed, would he go to heaven? Even if he hadn’t confessed or prayed for a while?

God: If he’s trying to save people then… yeah, I guess… I don’t see why not… but if he had a suicidal motive… well… I probably need more information really. Did he ask anything else?

KM: No that’s it.

God: Okay then. Until next time.

KM: Like tits on a bull.

God: What?

KM: Nothing. Situation normal. Night, God.

God: Night, Neel.

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Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle

Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle
Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, what’s the silly old coot banging on about here? I’m thinking that he might be asking a bit much. What do you think?

God: He’s asking you to remember to make Jesus an ongoing part of your life.

KM: Yeah, but I really don’t have much control over who shows up in my dreams.

God: He means dreams as in plans.

KM: He said dreams “and” plans, not dreams “as in” plans.

God: You’re being unusually pedantic tonight, Neel.

KM: A dream without a plan can end up turning into a nightmare.

God: What?

KM: I just thought of it. As a cool thing for a motivational guru to say. I bet someone’s already said it.

God: Have you been toking on the old wacky tobaccy tonight, Neel?

KM: I think the term is wacky baccy. And no, not yet. He said plans and dreams twice. So he must think they’re different, otherwise he’s just farted out a double redundancy.

God: This isn’t feeling like a good use of my time, Neel.

KM: Fair enough. Can we boil it down to him saying, make Christ the centre of all your plans?

God: At last. Not so difficult was it?

KM: If my plan was to get married and have children, that’d be a bit off though, wouldn’t it?

God: I don’t know what you mean.

KM: Well, me and my future wife with Jesus in the middle. Like in a threesome. I don’t really want to have that dream.

God: You’re being far too literal.

KM: When I dream about threesomes, it’s two-girl threesomes. I definitely don’t want some bearded, sandal-wearing hippy showing up. That’d be a serious cock block.

God: Are you deliberately trying to annoy me?

KM: By calling Jesus a cock blocker? No way. If I was trying to annoy you I would have called him a fuck deductor.

God: Ha, ha. Very not funny.

KM: So it’s okay if Christ’s in the next room, rather than right at the centre of the plan or dream?

God: If that makes it easier for you to understand, sure. Is that it for tonight?

KM: Can I just ask one more question?

God: Just a quick one.

KM: Did Jesus ever have a threesome?

God: Go to sleep, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces)

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Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces)

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this one where the Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces).

God: Why did you bring faeces into it? Shock value?

KM: Yeah. And because the Pope has been known to talk about being sexually aroused by faeces, but there’ll be another post about that.

God: So what’s your problem with this one? Seems pretty uncontroversial.

KM: I haven’t seen much hate and darkness recently. Should I look for some so that I can bring love and hope?

God: Well… it’s usually not a good idea to go looking for trouble, so maybe that’s not what the Pontiff meant.

KM: I’m pleased to hear that. I mean I’ll still bring love and hope if I do stumble upon some hate in the darkness.

God: That’s good to hear.

KM: I do wonder about one thing though.

God: What’s that, Neel?

KM: I know that love and hope are human attributes, but hate is too isn’t it? I mean animals don’t hate do they?

God: It’s a side of humanity that needs to be discouraged and defeated.

KM: Why did you make humans capable of so much hate?

God: I didn’t make it that way. I gave humanity free will. Humanity made hate common.

KM: Sounds like a bit of a cop out to me. But never mind. I think the Pope’s a bit confused saying that love and hope will give society a more human face. Isn’t society a perfect reflection of humanity already? A warts and all sort of human face.

God: Perfect and imperfect both.

KM: By perfect, I didn’t mean good. I meant accurate.

God: Ah, right. But it doesn’t explain why different societies are so very different.

KM: The main differences seem to be in the way they relate to you.

God: Oh, you think?

KM: Especially in the case of the ones where they’re prepared to kill each other on the basis of how they relate to you.

God: I think you might be getting a wee bit off the track there, Neel. It’s very late, you must be tired.

KM: You’re the one that started that idea.

God: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

God: Phew!

KM: Sorry? Did you say something?

God:

 

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Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love

Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of lovePope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this one where the Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love? Why does the Pope think he knows so much about marriage?

God: The Pope is a very wise man.

KM: Yeah, I know. But he doesn’t have much experience in this area.

God: The Pope’s married to the Church.

KM: For sure. I know that. But isn’t he talking about marriage in the man woman, romantic love sense?

God: Yes, it seems like it.

KM: That’s an area he doesn’t have much experience in, does he?

God: Of course he doesn’t have experience in that sort of thing. What do you mean by much?

KM: Point taken. It’s unlikely that he’s had any sort of intimate experience with an adult woman.

God: I think that’s a given, but your phrasing seems to have implications.

KM: You’ve got to admit that sex scandals involving priests and adult women are almost unheard of. Whereas priests and children…

God: Neel, the Pope hasn’t been accused of anything.

KM: Why would any man with a normal, healthy level of sexual desire for adult women ever become a priest?

God: I was about to say Christ knows, but in fact he doesn’t.

KM: They made up the celibacy rules for themselves. Prima facie evidence of the sexual appetites of the priesthood.

God: I think you’re getting off the topic.

KM: Did you ever give any pope or priest any indication that you wanted them to make up rules that contradicted the natural behaviour of the human creature you so intelligently designed?

God: No, I didn’t.

KM: So they just decided for themselves that’s what they wanted to do?

God: Yes, Neel, now are we going to talk about the Pope’s tweet or not?

KM: You’ve got to admit that if you had an organization of men with unsociable sexual desires, the priesthood would have to be the best false flag organization you could imagine.

God: I’ll give you that.

KM: Thanks, God. Right, back to the tweet. I understand the bit about difficult moments, but is he saying that all difficult moments are like Jesus’ experiences on the Cross?

God: Didn’t he say experiences of the Cross?

KM: Yeah, you’re right… But I thought the experience of the Cross was the ultimate sacrifice made by you and Jesus for us all, which is not really in the same league as flushing the toilet when someone’s in the shower is it?

God: I’m not certain about this but I think he might be alluding to the Cross as in a marriage reaching a crossroads, and when you continue the journey together, the path is stronger.

KM: Uh… okay…

God: Is there anything else?

KM: Ah, no…  I think I’ll just let this one go through to the keeper. Thanks for your help.

God: Through to the keeper?

KM: Don’t they play cricket in heaven?

God: Sporting events that produce winners, also produce losers. There no losers in heaven.

KM: Well that sucks. Night, God.

God: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

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