Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! What do you think about this? The Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church. We wouldn’t have faith without the Church giving it to us.

God: Is there a problem with that?

KM: Not with the words. They actually make sense for a change. Just a bit surprised at the bare-faced admission that without indoctrination people wouldn’t believe. I sure as hell wouldn’t have thought about going to church on my own. Certainly not as a child.

God: Which is exactly why it’s important for the Church to give the faith to children.

KM: So you’re saying if people weren’t indoctrinated as children most of them wouldn’t find faith at all?

God: I think we’re all in agreement on that, Neel.

KM: Even if a flock of faithful believers is what you want, can’t you see that indoctrination is wrong? It’s just another word for brainwashing.

God: At least it’s brain washing, Neel. Implanting nice clean thoughts. It’s not brain dirtying.

KM: What’s the point of giving free will to humans if your agents down here try to reprogram young minds into unquestioning belief? Do you really want armies of unthinking little clones running around doing your bidding?

God: That’s not what happens though, is it, Neel?

KM: Not to everybody, no. Thank, Christ.

God: You’re welcome.

KM: You know that’s not what I meant. Your priests take the uncluttered young minds of children and fill them with all sorts of  awful thoughts that they wouldn’t otherwise have, and certainly wouldn’t miss if they didn’t have them. A whole lot of guilt and fear. For what? To increase the numbers of the flock to make ever-increasing donations to build cathedrals of gold?

God: Priests don’t fill kids with guilt and fear.

KM: Oh, come on. Of course they do. All the tales of damnation and the fires of hell. If you’re bad you’ll be tortured for eternity. And to make it worse they’re told that God can read their minds, so just thinking naughty thoughts can make them terrified. It’s a form of child abuse. All Catholic kids get the mental child abuse, the unlucky ones also get the sexual abuse to go with it. And the priests that abuse them use the fear of God to keep them silent.

God: Sexual abuse is a whole other topic, Neel. Let’s stay on point. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Indoctrination is part of the process. Faith will help build them back up and make them stronger.

KM: After you’ve torn them down. Couldn’t you just give the gift of faith to adults?

God: Doesn’t tend to work as well.

KM: Oh really? And why do you think that is?

God: You know why, Neel. Young minds haven’t the experience to judge what’s real. Young minds are easier to make believe.

KM: Make believe. Exactly. Fairy tales for instance. Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. Kids gobble that shit up. Adults not so much.

God: If it hasn’t been drummed in early, people are less likely to believe in something without evidence.

KM: So why not just give them the evidence?

God: It’s not as easy as that.

KM: Why not? Why not just part the clouds and shout down at everybody, “Listen up. Here’s the gift of faith. Use it. Be faithful. Stop being bad!” And close the clouds again.

God: That’s not how I work.

KM: I know that, but I don’t understand why. If you decided it was a good idea to show yourself a couple of thousand years ago, why’s it a bad idea now?

God: You’re not meant to understand why, Neel. You’re just meant to believe. If I explained everything to you, it wouldn’t be mysterious would it?

KM: No but it might make sense.

God: But I work in mysterious ways.

KM: That you do.

God: So, have faith, Neel. Accept the gift.

KM: Yeah, fucking lovely gift. Blind faith. Mental slavery. Might as well say it out loud since you say you can read my mind.

God: It’s still bad manners. Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God. Night, Santa. Night, tooth fairy. And thank Christ that none of you exist.

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Pope says God’s forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Pope says God's forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Pope says God’s forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there?

God: Of course, Neel, as always. What’s on your mind?

KM: This old tweet from the old coot’s like a get out of hell free card. You think that’s a good idea?

God: What are you talking about, Neel?

KM: He’s saying that no sin is as strong as your forgiveness. So therefore you can do anything you like, genocide for example, knowing full well that if you step into a confessional afterwards, you’ll walk out with a clear slate.

God: I don’t think that’s the message he’s trying to get across.

KM: But it is what he’s saying. Why not go a step further and confess in advance? That way if you happen to be gunned down by the cops in the middle of a killing spree you’ll still go to heaven.

God: He definitely didn’t say that.

KM: It almost amounts to the same thing. If you know you’ll be forgiven, you can do anything you want. Heaven’s going to be full of real assholes when they twig to this.

God: I don’t think that’ll happen.

KM: We’ll see. New question. Once you’ve forgiven a sin, that’s it isn’t it? It’s not like being on parole where if you commit another sin you can add the old ones on top of the new sentence.

God: When a sin is forgiven, that, as you say, is it.

KM: And you can forgive any sin, regardless of how bad it is?

God: Provided the sinner repents and asks for forgiveness, yes. You’re not planning on committing a grave sin, are you Neal?

KM: Of course not. Can you hear the screams of the sinners in hell?

God: Yes.

KM: So you can hear their prayers as well?

God: People in hell don’t pray. They’re too busy dealing with pain and flames and the devil to even think about praying.

KM: So the last chance you get is if you see the gates of hell and you realise that’s where you’re going?

God: Pretty much.

KM: Will a last minute prayer be enough to do the job?

God: The job?

KM: Avoiding hell and going to heaven instead.

God: A sincere prayer for forgiveness will always be answered. Just don’t make the mistake of relying on that though. If you die when you’re not expecting it or while you’re unconscious…

KM: That’s why I always talk to you before I go to sleep.

God: But you don’t ask for forgiveness.

KM: Goes without saying. Just assume that I do and forgive me every day, okay?

God: That’s almost like your idea of forgiving in advance of a serious crime.

KM: You and your followers have so many bloody silly rules why can’t I have this one?

God: Fair enough. You’re forgiven.

KM: Woo hoo. Where’s Pascal incidentally? Is he with you up there? Did that work out for him?

God: No, he’s in hell. Silly bugger, at the last minute he changed Gods, picked the wrong one.

KM: Good. Serves him right.

God: I know. It made me laugh and laugh. Lying there on his death bed he started to panic. Changed his chosen God four times in his last ten minutes.

KM: He must be kicking himself.

God: He sure is. With a big spiky boot that goes all the way up his ass every time. He screams and screams.

KM: Nice.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope asks the Lord to give us the gentleness to look upon the poor

Pope asks the Lord to give us the gentleness to look upon the poor

Pope asks the Lord to give us the gentleness to look upon the poor

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope wants me to ask you something.

God: What’s that, Neel?

KM: Can I have the gentleness please?

God: Sure. Have as much as you like.

KM: Is there no limit? I thought I might have to do something for it. Like say a few Hail Marys or something.

God: No, you can go for it. The only problem with having too much gentleness is people may start to take advantage of you.

KM: But if I’m really meek, I’ll end up inheriting the earth won’t I?

God: Yes, of course. But not until after you’re dead.

KM: How does that work?

God: Mysteriously. You do inherit the earth. Just not in this lifetime.

KM: Right. Okay. Anyway I suppose I’m going to need a bit more gentleness. I can understand the poor. They’ve got no dosh. Been there myself once or twice. And I’m not afraid of them, so I’m sort of half way there, but loving them? Is that strictly necessary?

God: Well, not in a physical sense, no.

KM: Thank Christ for that.

God: I’ll let him know.

KM: Cheers. About the devoid of calculation bit?

God: Yeah?

KM: I don’t think I ever do calculations when I see poor people. I mean they’ve got nothing, so there’s nothing to add up, is there?

God: I don’t think that’s what the Pope meant by that.

KM: Well what did he mean?

God: I’m not sure. Leave it with me.

KM: Okay, thanks, God.

God: Sleep well, my son.

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Pope says the Church has no other meaning and finality…

Pope says the Church has no other meaning and finality

Pope says the Church has no other meaning and finality…

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? Did you see this? The Pope says the Church has no other meaning and finality than to witness Jesus.

God: Uh huh.

KM: I’ve been struggling with this in a couple of ways.

God: Life can often be a struggle, Neel.

KM: Yeah, quite often. And often thanks to your bullshit in the case of a lot of people.

God: No need to be rude, Neel. I am listening.

KM: Listening, listening, listening. To all those millions of unanswered prayers. Your area of expertise, obviously. Doing anything useful doesn’t seem to concern you. In fact your lack of intervention in anything makes the whole omnipotent thing laughable. Impotent is a more accurate description of your powers based on the evidence.

God: If you’re going to keep insulting me I’ll stop listening.

KM: Also beyond your powers, big boy. Whoever imagines that they’re talking to you controls whether you’re there or not.

God: I thought you wanted to talk about the Pope’s tweet.

KM: Oh, yeah. Firstly I don’t understand what it means. Which could be a bit embarrassing because thousands of people have liked it and retweeted it so obviously they all understand it.

God: Not necessarily.

KM: You think they’d like it and retweet it if they didn’t get it?

God: People sometimes pretend to understand things that don’t make sense. As a way of trying not to look stupid. Not that I’m saying the Pontiff doesn’t make sense here, but he could be a little less obtuse perhaps. What was the other thing you were struggling with?

KM: It’s difficult trying to get a handle on something so vague that it barely makes sense, so I’m having trouble trying to remember it. Which isn’t good, as the Pontiff makes it pretty clear that he doesn’t want us to forget it.

God: He does say that.

KM: But even using mnemonics it’s tricky, because apart from having no other meaning, I haven’t yet managed to understand the first meaning. Let alone either of the finalities.

God: There is no other finality. Just the one.

KM: What?

God: He said “no other”, meaning there is only one meaning and finality.

KM: Which is?

God: To witness Jesus. You understand the meaning of witnessing Jesus?

KM: I’ve witnessed all the crucifixes. The church is full of them. Is crucifixes the correct plural?

God: Sounds nicer than crucify.

KM: To you I’m sure it would. But surely the Pope can’t mean that the only meaning of the church is to look at the graven images.

God: You wouldn’t think so.

KM: So can you help me out?

God: Did you try asking the Pontiff? He’s the one who tweeted it.

KM: He doesn’t seem to respond to tweets. He’s pretty much a one-way from Jesus kind of Twitterer.

God: Oh, all right. So, no other meaning and finality…

KM: Oh hang on, he said “to witness to Jesus”, not “to witness Jesus”.

God: Well done. Further study always helps.

KM: I still don’t get it. Does it mean to tell stuff to Jesus? Like he’s a judge or something.

God: There you go.

KM: So the only reason for the church to exist is for people to talk to Jesus? As in praying?

God: You got a problem with that?

KM: It seems like the Pope himself may have forgotten it, contrary to his own stated wishes.

God: What makes you say that?

KM: A multi-billion dollar, international organization hardly seems necessary for people just wanting to indulge in a little prayer.

God: Can’t argue with that.

KM: I’m really tired now. Night, God.

God: Might, Neel. Sleep well.

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