God is working




Kneeling Man: I hope I’m not interrupting you, God.

God: Of course not, Neel. Why would you say that?

KM: Well, Joel Osteen said you’re working.

God: I’m always working, Neel. Even now. This is what I do.

KM: Of course you are. Silly old me.

God: No problem, Neel. Something I can help you with?

KM: He’s talking about winter giving way to spring, but the season’s only just changed.

God: True. He might be talking metaphorically. About things getting better for individuals.

KM: Ah. Okay. But just out of interest, how much work do you have to do to get the seasons to change?

God: Well, that’s not a simple thing to quantify in terms a human could understand.

KM: I though it would be pretty much running on autopilot by now, you know with the planets just spinning round and the momentum basically doing all the work?

God: Well there is that. But someone has to keep an eye on it to make sure it’s working properly.

KM: So you have to give the old earth a bit of a nudge from time to time?

God: Sort of.

KM: Doesn’t that mess with satellites and space probes and things? Why don’t they end up flying all over the place?

God: It’s all done at once. Invisible hand sort of thing.

KM: Okay… So he’s not really telling the truth about you working to change the season at the right time?

God: I’m sure there’s meaning in what he says.

KM: I hope so. He makes enough money for saying it.

God: He sure does.

KM: Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

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Faecal fantasies












Kneeling Man: The Pope’s been talking about coprophagia.

God: Yes I saw that.

KM: What does it mean?

God: Why are you asking me? Didn’t you look it up?

KM: Yes, I did.

God: I know you did.

KM: I’d never heard of it before. But the Pope seems to know all about it.

God: Knowledge is good.

KM: The Pope seems to think it’s quite a common thing. I didn’t even know it was a thing.

God: Then I’m sorry that you had to find out about it.

KM: Me too. It’s not the first time he’s talked about it either.

God: Really?

KM: In 2013 he said journalists risked becoming ill from their coprophilia, and that they could be fomenting coprophagia in their readers.

God: Uh huh.

KM: You don’t think he might be psychologically projecting do you?

God: I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you should be thinking about, Neel.

KM: I agree. Makes me feel sick. I hope he’ll stop talking about it.

God: Was there anything else, Neel?

KM: No, that’s it. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: If I can stop thinking about it I will.


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The mystery of the Cross


Kneeling Man: I’ve got my cross here, God.

God: I can see that, Neel.

KM: It’s a mystery all right.

God: The cross?

KM: No, the tweet. Does it make any sense to you?

God: It can only be understood in prayer. Have you prayed and wept, kneeling before the cross?

KM: I’ve tried. But I couldn’t make myself cry. Maybe if you told me a sad story.

God: Not really the sort of thing I do, Neel.

KM: What is the sort of thing you do, God?

God: This, Neel. Talking to you. And others.

KM: That’s it?

God: Recently, yeah.

KM: What do you mean by recently?

God: Since Jesus came home.

KM: Like the last two thousand years?

God: Yep.

KM: Couldn’t you do a bit more?

God: More what, Neel?

KM: Well I don’t know. Send another message or another prophet or something.

God: That would lessen the mystery wouldn’t it?

KM: The mystery of the Cross?

God: Exactly.

KM: I’m going to try to think some sad thoughts now.

God: Good work, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.


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Empty spaces caused by evil





Kneeling Man: He’s not talking about making love here is he?

God: No.

KM: Well that’s lucky. Otherwise it’d be like he was asking us to bonk twenty four seven. Ha ha.

God: Neel. Remember who you’re talking to.

KM: Oh yeah. Sorry, God. I just had this thought and…

God: I know. I forgive you.

KM: Thanks, God. So he means that non physical type of love thing?

God: Yes.

KM: How does evil cause empty spaces?

God: Well, that’s a very complicated concept. I’m not sure we have time to go into it in detail.

KM: Just in broad terms.

God: It’s really not the sort of thing that can be summarised.

KM: Oh. Okay. Are all empty spaces evil? Because there’s an awful lot of empty space in space. That’s a whole lot of evil.

God: He’s not saying the empty spaces are evil. Just that they are caused by evil.

KM: What does evil get out of causing empty spaces? Especially if they don’t stay evil when he’s finished causing them.

God: Once again it’s a very complicated concept.

KM: That can’t be summarised?

God: Pretty much.

KM: Ok, thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel.

KM: Oh, one more thing. If love is the secret of Christian living, why’s he tweeting it to the whole world?


KM: God?



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Save humanity and the world





Kneeling Man: Saving humanity and the world’s a big one.

God: It certainly is.

KM: You think sin and evil are as big a threat as climate change?

God: They’re difficult to compare. Different categories.

KM: Are sin and evil the same category?

God: Not exactly, but they are related.

KM: So there are three things threatening humanity and the world. Sin, evil and climate change.

God: Yeah.

KM: Oh, and Islam. Four things.

God: Let’s leave Islam out of this.

KM: Why?

God: I’m trying to keep you safe, Neel.

KM: What? Oh… yeah. Right. Okay then. Three things.

God: Yep.

KM: I don’t see how mercy can do anything about climate change, regardless of how powerful it is.

God: Which is probably why the Pope didn’t say it could.

KM: Oh yeah, right, well let’s not worry about climate change for now.

God: You realise that’s exactly how things got this bad?

KM: Ha ha. Good one. You got me there. But, as far as true powers go, I’ve never seen mercy do much. It can’t lift buildings, or make things invisible can it?

God: No.

KM: So what can it do as a true power?

God: It can save humanity and the world.

KM: Uh huh. I still…

God: Look at the time, wow it’s getting late.

KM: Oh yeah. Okay. Night, God.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.


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Question from Lindy

Question from Lindy C, Kazakhstan.

Kneeling Man: I have a question here from Lindy, from Kazakhstan.

God: I’ll just briefly take this opportunity, Neel, to say that I never forsook that place, despite what many people say.

KM: Lindy’s not saying anything like that.

God: Okay, good.

KM: She says she was always taught that Jesus was the one way to God, and that me talking to you directly is somehow wrong. Maybe even blasphemous.

God: Different strokes I’d say. You and I get along fine, Neel. Others prefer to go the Jesus way. And of course Jesus is also me, so I’m not sure I understand the question.

KM: I think it might be that she doesn’t fully understand the relationship between you and Jesus. The nuance.

God: Well it’s not really that difficult. I’m the father, Jesus is my son, and also me, and then there’s the Holy Ghost, who is sort of like Jesus’ brother, but without the human bit or a mother, so more like a half brother in that he’s also me.

KM: Do many people pray to the Holy Ghost?

God: Hardly anybody. I’d say if anyone’s having difficulty getting enough face time with me or Jesus, they should give a shout out to the HG.

KM: But if he’s also you, how come he has spare time and you don’t?

God: Because hardly anybody prays to him. More people pray to Jesus’ mum than pray to the HG.

KM: Is Jesus’ mum up there with you?

God: Of course.

KM: What does she do?

God: She keeps an eye out for miracles.

KM: How’s that going?

God: Was that part of Lindy’s question?

KM: No, that was me asking that one.

God: Yes, I know, Neel. That slightly subversive edge of yours was showing.

KM: Sorry about that.

God: Was there anything else?

KM: Did you finish answering Lindy’s question?

God: Lindy should pray to Jesus if that makes her feel comfortable. Or the HG, as previously mentioned. As far as her thinking that I could be involved in something blasphemous… well that just makes no sense at all.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel. Good night.

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Heart full of love



Kneeling Man: A heart full of love sounds good.

God: Nothing finer.

KM: How merciful will I have to be to get one?

God: I’m not following you.

KM: Like if I chose not to kill an ant, that wouldn’t be enough mercy to get a whole heart full of love would it?

God: Probably not, no.

KM: So it would be either lots of small acts of mercy, or maybe one really big one?

God: Rather than hold out for a big one, try being merciful every day.

KM: Okay. How long would it take to fill my heart if I do that?

God: Hard to say exactly. Might take a while.

KM: And what sort of love would it be?

God: What sort of love?

KM: Yeah. You know, the furry little kitten sort of love, or the can’t wait to see my brand new girlfriend again because this boner’s almost tearing the front out of my jeans sort of love.

God: I think it’s more like feeling love for the world, for everything and everyone.

KM: So both kinds?

God: No, Neel. Not the boner kind. That’s different.

KM: Oh.

God: It’s still really good love. Honestly.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You will try to be merciful?

KM: Yep. Night.

God: Good night, Neel.


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Question from Andrew

Question from Andrew G (13)

Kneeling Man: I’ve got a question for you, God. It’s from Andrew. He’s thirteen years old.

God: Shoot.

KM: Well that was an unfortunate word choice. He wants to know what he should do if a gunman comes into his classroom?

God: Oops. Sorry about that. That’s a tricky one.

KM: Yep. Glad I don’t have to answer it.

God: It would depend on a few things. You might be able to escape out another door.

KM: It’s a classroom, God. They’ve usually got just the one.

God: It might be an idea to make sure they all have two or three in future.

KM: That’s not really going to help Andrew right now though is it?

God: No, I see your point. If you’re at the back of the room, maybe hiding on the floor would be best. Or… If you were right next to the gunman and could tackle him, maybe that would work. Doesn’t the school have guidelines?

KM: I don’t know. But interesting you should mention the tackle thing because he did also ask that if he tackled a gunman and got killed, would he go to heaven? Even if he hadn’t confessed or prayed for a while?

God: If he’s trying to save people then… yeah, I guess… I don’t see why not… but if he had a suicidal motive… well… I probably need more information really. Did he ask anything else?

KM: No that’s it.

God: Okay then. Until next time.

KM: Thanks, God.

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Jesus in the middle







Kneeling Man: I’m thinking that he might be asking a bit too much here. What do you think?

God: He’s asking you to remember to make Jesus an ongoing part of your life.

KM: Yeah, but I really don’t have much control over who shows up in my dreams.

God: He means dreams as in plans.

KM: Dreams without a plan can end up turning into nightmares.

God: What?

KM: I just thought of it. As a cool thing for a motivational guru to say. Nah, I bet someone’s already said it.

God: Okay.

KM: So we can boil it down to him saying, make Christ the centre of all your plans?

God: Yeah. I’d say that’s pretty much what he’s trying to say.

KM: If my plan was to get married and have children, that’d be a bit off, wouldn’t it?

God: I don’t know what you mean.

KM: Well, me and my future wife with Jesus in the middle. Like in a threesome. I don’t really want to have that dream.

God: You’re being far too literal.

KM: So it’s okay if Christ’s in the next room, rather than right at the centre of the plan or dream?

God: If that makes it easier for you to understand, sure. Is that it for tonight?

KM: Can I just ask one more question?

God: Just a quick one.

KM: Did Jesus ever have a threesome?

God: Go to sleep, Neel.

KM: Sorry, God. Good night.


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Authentic and consistent





Kneeling Man: I think we’ve got the abiding relationship thing happening here, but I’m uncertain about the rest.

God: How so, my son?

KM: Does this count as truly praying? I’m on my knees, but I do tend to use fairly informal language.

God: I don’t think formal language is an absolute requirement.

KM: That’s good to know. But I also don’t really ask you to heal the sick, or help the poor much.

God: That’s true.

KM: But you know I’d like that to happen. So can we sort of take that as a given?

God: As long as the thought is in your heart, we can take it as a given.

KM: So we’re good?

God: We’re good.

KM: I’ll say good night then.

God: The Pontiff did leave the door open a bit.

KM: What door?

God: Saying difficult. Rather than impossible.

KM: Ah… Oh. Yeah. He’s actually saying that it is possible to live an authentic and consistent Christian life without an abiding relationship with you.

God: I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that. Just didn’t choose his words very carefully.

KM: Sometimes I think he just throws his magnets at the fridge.

God: Oh that’s a bit unfair. This one makes more sense than a lot of them.

KM: That’s what I mean.

God: Anything else?

KM: No. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel.


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A more human face






Kneeling Man: I haven’t seen much hate and darkness recently. Should I look for some so that I can bring love and hope?

God: Well… it’s usually not a good idea to go looking for trouble, so maybe that’s not what the Pontiff meant.

KM: I’m pleased to hear that. I mean I’ll still bring love and hope if I do stumble upon some hate in the darkness.

God: That’s good to hear.

KM: I do wonder about one thing though.

God: What’s that, Neel?

KM: I know that love and hope are human attributes, but hate is too isn’t it? I mean animals don’t hate do they?

God: It’s a side of humanity that needs to be discouraged and defeated.

KM: If it’s not a rude question, why did you make humans capable of so much hate?

God: I didn’t make it that way. I gave humanity free will. Humanity made hate common.

KM: Fair enough. But I do think the Pope is being a bit optimistic saying that love and hope will give society a more human face. Isn’t society a perfect reflection of humanity already? A warts and all sort of human face.

God: Perfect and imperfect both.

KM: By perfect, I didn’t mean good. I meant accurate.

God: Ah. You make a good point, Neel. But it doesn’t explain why different societies are so very different.

KM: The main differences seem to be in the way they relate to you.

God: Oh, you think?

KM: Especially in the case of the ones where they’re prepared to kill each other on the basis of how they relate to you.

God: I think you might be getting a wee bit off the track there, Neel. It’s very late, you must be tired.

KM: Well, yes I am a bit.

God: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

God: Phew!

KM: Sorry? Did you say something?



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Experiences of the Cross





Kneeling Man: I’ve been wondering, God, how come the Pope knows so much about marriage?

God: The Pope is a very wise man.

KM: Yeah, I know. But he doesn’t have much experience in this area.

God: The Pope is married to the Church.

KM: For sure. I know that. But isn’t he talking about marriage in the man woman, romantic love sense?

God: Yes, I believe so.

KM: That’s an area he doesn’t have much experience in, does he?

God: Of course he doesn’t have experience in that sort of thing. What do you mean by much?

KM: Sorry, God. I didn’t mean to be give offence.

God: I forgive you.

KM: Thanks, God. I understand the bit about difficult moments, but is he saying that all difficult moments are like Jesus’ experiences on the Cross?

God: Didn’t he say experiences of the Cross?

KM: Yeah, you’re right… But I thought the experience of the Cross was the ultimate sacrifice made by you and Jesus for us all, which is not really in the same league as flushing the toilet when someone’s in the shower is it?

God: I’m not certain about this but I think he might be alluding to the Cross as in a marriage reaching a crossroads, and when you continue the journey together, the path is stronger.

KM: Uh… okay…

God: Is there anything else?

KM: Ah, no…  I think I’ll just let this one go through to the keeper. Thanks for your help.

God: Through to the keeper?

KM: Just an expression. Doesn’t mean anything. Thanks God. Good night.

God: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.


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Given to us in and through





Kneeling Man: I think know where the Pontiff’s coming from on this one. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have thought about going to church on my own. Certainly not as a toddler or young child.

God: Which is exactly why it’s important to give the faith to children.

KM: You think if we weren’t indoctrinated as children we might not find the faith?

God: Isn’t that what we both just said?

KM: Well, yeah… But couldn’t you just as easily give the gift of faith to adults who’d never been to church?

God: Doesn’t tend to work as well.

KM: Why do you think that is?

God: Well, if it hasn’t been drummed in early, people seem to need a bit more evidence of my existence before they’ll devote their life to Jesus.

KM: So why not just give them the evidence?

God: It’s not as easy as that.

KM: Why not? Why not just part the clouds and shout down at everybody, “Listen up. Here’s the gift of faith. Use it. Be faithful. Stop being bad!” And close the clouds again.

God: That’s not how I work.

KM: I know that, but I don’t understand why.

God: You’re not meant to understand why, Neel. You’re just meant to believe in faith. If I explained it to you, it wouldn’t be mysterious would it?

KM: I guess not.

God: And you know I work in mysterious ways.

KM: That I do.

God: So, have faith, Neel. Accept the gift.

KM: Thanks, God.

KM: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.


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Stronger than any sin


Kneeling Man: Hi God, it’s me Neel.

God: Hi, Neel. How can I help you today?

KM: Once you’ve forgiven a sin, that’s it isn’t it? It’s not like being on parole where if you commit another sin you can add the old ones on top of the new sentence.

God: When a sin is forgiven, that, as you say, is it.

KM: And you can forgive any sin, regardless of how bad it is?

God: Provided the sinner asks for forgiveness, yes. You’re not planning on committing a grave sin, are you Neal?

KM: Of course not, God. You know that. You can read my mind.

God: Just testing. And… you know… just in case I wasn’t paying attention.

KM: Can you hear the screams of the sinners in hell?

God: Of course.

KM: So you can hear their prayers as well?

God: People in hell don’t pray. They’re too busy dealing with pain and flames and the devil to even think about praying.

KM: So really the last chance you get is if you see the gates of hell and you realise that’s where you’re going?

God: Pretty much.

KM: Will a last minute prayer be enough to do the job?

God: The job?

KM: Avoiding hell and going to heaven instead.

God: A sincere prayer for forgiveness will always be answered. Just don’t make the mistake of relying on that though. If you die while you’re unconscious…

KM: That’s why I always talk to you before I go to sleep.

God: I know. Sleep well, Neel.

KM: Night, God.


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The gentleness


Kneeling Man: Can I have the gentleness please?

God: Sure. Have as much as you like.

KM: Is there no limit? I thought I might have to do something for it. Like say a few Hail Marys or something.

God: No, you can go for it. The only problem with having too much gentleness is people may start to take advantage of you.

KM: But if I’m really meek, I’ll end up inheriting the earth won’t I?

God: Yes, of course. But not until after you’re dead.

KM: How does that work?

God: Mysteriously. You do inherit the earth. Just not in this lifetime.

KM: Right. Okay. Anyway I suppose I’m going to need a bit more gentleness. I can understand the poor. They’ve got no dosh. Been there myself once or twice. And I’m not afraid of them, so I’m sort of half way there, but loving them? Is that strictly necessary?

God: Well, not in a physical sense, no.

KM: Thank Christ for that.

God: I’ll let him know.

KM: Cheers. About the devoid of calculation bit?

God: Yeah?

KM: I don’t think I ever do calculations when I see poor people. I mean they’ve got nothing, so there’s nothing to add up, is there?

God: I don’t think that’s what the Pope meant by that.

KM: Well what did he mean?

God: I’m not sure. Leave it with me.

KM: Okay, thanks, God.

God: Sleep well, my son.


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No other meaning and finality


Kneeling Man: So, God, I’ve been struggling with this in a couple of ways.

God: Uh huh.

KM: Firstly I don’t understand what it means. This is a bit embarrassing because thousands of people have like it and retweeted it so obviously they all understand it.

God: Not necessarily.

KM: You think they’d like it and retweet if they didn’t get it?

God: People have been known to pretend to understand things that don’t make sense. Not that I’m saying the Pontiff doesn’t make sense here, but he could be a little less obtuse perhaps. What was the other thing you were struggling with?

KM: I’m also having trouble trying to remember it. Which is not good, as the Pontiff makes it pretty clear that he wants us all to remember it.

God: He does seem to.

KM: But even using mnemonics it’s tricky, because apart from having no other meaning, I haven’t yet managed to understand the first meaning. Let alone either of the finalities.

God: That’s because there is no other meaning. Or finality.

KM: Oh, right.

God: So you’re okay with the meaning of witnessing Jesus?

KM: I’ve witnessed all the crucifixes. The church is full of them. Is crucifixes the correct plural?

God: Sounds nicer than crucify.

KM: Point taken. But surely the Pope can’t mean that the only meaning of the church is to look at the graven images.

God: You wouldn’t think so.

KM: So can you help me out?

God: Did you try asking the Pontiff? He’s the one who tweeted it.

KM: He doesn’t seem to respond to tweets. He’s pretty much a one-way from Jesus kind of twitterer.

God: Okay. So, no other meaning and finality…

KM: Oh hang on, he said “to witness to Jesus”, not “to witness Jesus”.

God: There you go, further study always helps.

KM: I still don’t get it.

God: Leave it with me.

KM: Thanks, God.

God: No problem, Neel. Sleep well.


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