Meaning to my life here on earth

Meaning to my life here on earth
Meaning to my life here on earth

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, I don’t understand why he tweeted this. Jesus gives meaning to my life here on earth?

God: What’s to understand, Neel? It makes perfect sense to me.

KM: It’s just stating the bleeding obvious isn’t it?

God: He’s reiterating his faith.

KM: Sure, but without Jesus, he wouldn’t even have a job, let alone meaning.

God: Which is exactly what he’s saying.

KM: And hope for the life to come. Hope? A bit weak don’t you think? The whole selling premise of his organisation is that you’ll get the big payoff when you’re dead. It requires faith. Here he says he hopes for the life to come.  Hope? Hope is buying a lottery ticket. Faith is what makes people tithe ten percent. But the big kahuna can only muster hope? Sad.

God: You’re playing with words, Neel.

KM: Theologians play with words. In fact it’s pretty much all they do.

God: That’s one way of looking at it.

KM: You don’t think he’s implying there’s a possibility of Jesus not being there?

God: Not being where?

KM: Anywhere.

God: You’re not doubting your faith are you, Neel?

KM: Ha ha, good one. I’m just wondering whether the Pope might be doubting his. You know like Mother Teresa. What with all his talk of coprophagia and things.

God: I thought we agreed you shouldn’t think about that.

KM: I’ve been trying not to, but it’s like a bloody annoying Abba song that just won’t go away.

God: Which one?

KM: Cut that out. You know it’s all of them. Don’t you dare start humming.

God: I was tempted.

KM: Yeah, but don’t. Please. Anyway, I just thought if you were going to say something to ten million people you might perhaps put a bit more work into it.

God: He tweets every day pretty much. You can’t expect them all to be gems.

KM: That’d be a miracle wouldn’t it? If every single one was just, wham, knock your socks off brilliant?

God: Yes it would. Anyway, don’t you need to get some sleep?

KM: Yeah, I do. By the way, could you tell me something about the last miracle?

God: What do want to know?

KM: What was it? What actually happened? When and where? And what was the outstanding thing that made it a miracle, something that couldn’t happen according to the laws of nature?

God: I like you, Neel. Always trying to push back the curtain of mystery. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

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God is working, winter always gives way to spring

God is working Winter always gives way to spring
God is working, winter always gives way to spring

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, you there? I hope I’m not interrupting you.

God: Of course not, Neel. Why would you say that?

KM: Well, that smarmy-faced bullshitter Joel Osteen said you’re working.

God: I’m always working, Neel. Even now. This is what I do.

KM: Of course you are. Silly old me.

God: No problem, Neel. Something I can help you with?

KM: According to the grinning charlatan’s tweet, God is working, winter always gives way to spring. Given that everything he talks about leads to him asking for money, aren’t you a bit pissed that he’s exploiting the change of seasons to fleece the gullible? Besides the season’s only just changed.

God: I think he’s speaking metaphorically. About things getting better for individuals.

KM: Yeah, himself especially, I get that, but you and I both know he’s full of shit.

God: Did you have a question?

KM: Yeah. Just out of interest, how much work do you have to do to get the seasons to change?

God: Well, that’s not a simple thing to quantify in terms a human could understand.

KM: I though it would be pretty much running on autopilot by now, you know with the planets just spinning round and the momentum basically doing all the work?

God: Well there is that. But someone has to keep an eye on it to make sure it’s working properly.

KM: So you have to give the old earth a bit of a nudge from time to time?

God: Sort of.

KM: Doesn’t that mess with satellites and space probes and things? Why don’t they end up flying all over the place?

God: It’s all done at once. Invisible hand sort of thing.

KM: Okay… So he’s not really telling the truth about you working to change the season at the right time?

God: I’m sure there’s meaning in what he says.

KM: I hope so. He makes enough money for saying it.

God: He sure does.

KM: Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

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Faecal fantasies – Pope talks about getting sexually aroused by faeces

Pope ... sexually aroused by faeces?
Pope Frank … sexually aroused by faeces?

Sexually aroused by faeces

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope’s been talking about coprophagia.

God: Yes I saw that.

KM: What does it mean?

God: Why are you asking me? Didn’t you look it up?

KM: Yes, I did.

God: I know you did.

KM: Getting sexually aroused by faeces? I’d never heard of such a thing before. But the Pope seems to know all about it.

God: Knowledge is good.

KM: The Pope seems to think it’s quite a common thing. I didn’t even know it was a thing.

God: Then I’m sorry that you had to find out about it.

KM: Me too. It’s not the first time he’s talked about it either.

God: Really?

KM: In 2013 he said journalists risked becoming ill from their coprophilia, and that they could be fomenting coprophagia in their readers.

God: Uh huh.

KM: You don’t think he might be psychologically projecting do you?

God: I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you should be thinking about, Neel.

KM: I agree. Makes me feel sick. I hope he’ll stop talking about it.

God: Was there anything else, Neel?

KM: No, that’s it. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: If I can stop thinking about it I will.

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The mystery of the Cross understood in prayer

The mystery of the Cross

The mystery of the Cross understood in prayer

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this shit?

God: What is it now, Neel?

KM: Praying and weeping while kneeling to reveal the mystery of the cross understood in prayer. A mystery of love. What the fuck is he talking about?

God: The cross, Neel. You know, the sacred image of the crucifiction of Jesus.

KM: I know what it is. Anyway, how come all these sacred images, crucifixes and the like are okay, but graven images are in the category of “thou shalt not”?

God: Is that what you wanted to talk about?

KM: Not right now, no. But one whole commandment just to say no to engraving images? You sure you weren’t on the piss when you decided on that one? And some interpretations of that also include crosses and most of the decorations in churches. But ignore that. We’ll do that another time. It’s this mystery of the cross bullshit I want to talk about tonight. I’ve got one right here.

God: I can see that, Neel.

KM: It’s a mystery all right.

God: The cross?

KM: No, the tweet. Does it make any sense to you?

God: The Pope says it can only be understood in prayer. Have you prayed and wept, kneeling before the cross?

KM: Oh Jesus Christ, you know me better than that. Besides, I can’t just make myself cry. Maybe if you told me a sad story.

God: Not really the sort of thing I do, Neel.

KM: What is the sort of thing you do, God?

God: This, Neel. Talking to you. And others.

KM: That’s it?

God: Recently, yeah.

KM: What do you mean by recently?

God: Since Jesus came home.

KM: Like the last two thousand years?

God: Yep.

KM: Couldn’t you do a bit more?

God: A bit more what, Neel?

KM: I don’t know. Send another message or another prophet or something.

God: That would lessen the mystery wouldn’t it?

KM: The mystery of the Cross?

God: Exactly.

KM: I’m going to try to think some sad thoughts now. Maybe if I think about how many people waste their lives on delusions like this.

God: Good work, Neel. That’s the spirit. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope says love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Pope says love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Kneeling Man: Oi, God. The Pope’s talking crazy shit again. Any idea what he’s on about?

God: The importance of love, Neel. Christian love.

KM: So he’s not talking about making love then?

God: No.

KM: Well that’s lucky. Otherwise it’d be like he was asking us to get it on twenty four seven. Oh no,  over there, another empty space. Quick, we’d better fuck. Get rid of that evil.

God: Settle down, Neel. Remember who you’re talking to.

KM: Yeah, my imagination. Thanks for the reminder. So the Pope’s talking about that non-physical type of love thing?

God: For the love of Jesus, Neel, yes. Christian love.

KM: How does evil cause empty spaces?

God: Well, that’s a very complicated concept. I’m not sure we have time to go into it in detail.

KM: Just in broad terms.

God: It’s really not the sort of thing that can be summarised.

KM: Yeah, right. Okay. Are all empty spaces evil? Because there’s an awful lot of empty space in space. That’s a whole lot of evil. Actually that’d make pretty much 99.999999999% of everything in the universe evil.

God: He’s not saying the empty spaces are evil. Just that they can be caused by evil. And I don’t think he meant that all empty space in space is caused by evil. Not that sort of space.

KM: So some empty spaces are caused by evil. But probably not the ones with the blue lines and the wheelchair pictures closest to the door? Because those are good spaces, right?

God: I don’t think he was thinking about parking spaces either, Neel.

KM: So what sort of spaces was he thinking about?

God: Spaces in the heart.

KM: Oooh. Like when babies are born with a hole in their heart? Or when people get a heart murmer? Ooh my heart, it’s got an evil space, ooohhhh.

God: If you’re going to be childish, I have other things to do.

KM: Like what? Curing child cancer or stopping the odd spot of genocide? Don’t let me hold you back.

God: You’re being a real dick tonight, Neel.

KM: Okay, back to the Pope’s tweet. What does evil get out of causing empty spaces? Especially if they don’t stay evil after evil’s finished causing them.

God: Once again it’s a very complicated concept.

KM: That can’t be summarised?

God: Pretty much.

KM: If you weren’t an all knowing and beneficent God, I’d suspect that you know the Pope’s just making shit up and you’re covering for him.

God: Well that’s what you have free will for, Neel. You can think wahtever you like. Aren’t you getting tired?

KM: Just one more thing. If love is the secret of Christian living, why’s he tweeting it to the whole world? Does he not understand the concept of a secret?

God: What?

KM: Never mind.

God: Night, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, did you see this? The Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world. Saving humanity and the world’s a big one.

God: It certainly is.

KM: You think sin and evil are as big a threat as climate change?

God: They’re difficult to compare. Different categories.

KM: Are sin and evil the same category?

God: Not exactly, but they are related.

KM: So there are three things threatening humanity and the world. Sin, evil and climate change.

God: Yeah.

KM: Oh, and Islam. Four things. And if Trump really turns out to be Putin’s puppet. That’ll be five things.

God: Let’s leave Islam out of this.

KM: Why?

God: I’m trying to keep you safe, Neel.

KM: What?

God: What’s your favourite guitar sound? Maybe a Gibson Les Paul played through a Marshall amp with a fat wah wah pedal.

KM: A what? A fat wah wah… Oh yeah, right. Fat wah wah. Yep, good, right. Let’s leave Islam out of this. Okay then. Four things.

God: Yep.

KM: I don’t see how mercy can do anything about Putin and Trump or climate change, regardless of how powerful it is.

God: Which is probably why the Pope didn’t say it could.

KM: Okay so let’s not worry about Putin and Trump and climate change for now.

God: You realise that’s exactly why things got this bad?

KM: Ha ha. Good one. Shit, you’re right. You got me there. But anyway, as far as true powers go, I’ve never seen mercy do much. It can’t lift buildings, or make things invisible can it?

God: No.

KM: So what can it do as a true power?

God: It can save humanity and the world.

KM: Pretty vague answer, big boy. Maybe the Pope’s just making shit up again.

God: Look at the time, wow it’s getting late.

KM: Night, God.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

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Question for God from Lindy C

Question for God from Lindy C, from Kazakhstan

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? I have a question for God from Lindy C, from Kazakhstan.

God: I’ll just briefly take this opportunity, Neel, to say that I never forsook that country, despite what many people say.

KM: Lindy’s not saying that.

God: Okay, good.

KM: She says she was always taught that Jesus was the one way to God, and that me talking to you directly, is somehow wrong. Maybe even blasphemous.

God: Different strokes I’d say. You and I get along fine, Neel. Others prefer to go the Jesus way. And of course Jesus is also me, so I’m not sure I understand the question.

KM: I think it might be that she doesn’t fully comprehend the relationship between you and Jesus. The thing about the one way to God being through Jesus given that Jesus and you are in fact the same thing. The nuance escapes her. And me.

God: Well it’s not really that difficult. I’m the father, Jesus is my son, and also me, and then there’s the Holy Ghost, who is sort of like Jesus’ brother, but without the human bit or a mother, so more like a half brother in that he’s also me. We’re sort of all me.

KM: Yeah, well that’s pretty fucking clear, innit. I’m sure that’ll help Lindy.

God: It’s not complicated.

KM: No, just stupid beyond belief. Yet people actually do believe it somehow. Do many people pray to the Holy Ghost?

God: Hardly anybody. I’d say if anyone’s having difficulty getting enough face time with me or Jesus, they should give a shout out to the HG.

KM: But if he’s also you, how come he has spare time and you don’t?

God: Because hardly anybody prays to him, Neel. I just told you that. He’s got time coming out his ears. More people pray to Jesus’ mum than pray to the HG.

KM: Is Jesus’ mum up there with you?

God: Of course.

KM: What does she do all day?

God: She keeps an eye out for miracles.

KM: How’s that going?

God: Was that part of Lindy’s question?

KM: No, that was me asking that one.

God: Yes, I know, Neel. That slightly subversive edge of yours was showing.

KM: Sorry about that.

God: Was there anything else?

KM: Did you finish answering Lindy’s question?

God: Lindy should pray to Jesus if that makes her feel comfortable. Or the HG, as previously mentioned. As far as her thinking that I could be involved in something blasphemous… well that just makes no sense at all.

KM: Like a lot of things. Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel.

KM: Oh, one more thing. Since Jesus’ mum,  aka holy Mary mother of God, is up there with you, is it worth me trying to have to have a little chat to her some time, or does miracle watch keep her pretty busy?

God: Why would you want to talk to her when you can talk to me?

KM: I just want to know if she’s comfortable with the whole paternity thing.

God: Go on.

KM: Well, if she was impregnated by you in order to produce Jesus, and Jesus is you, that sort of means that Jesus was his own father… It’s not quite incest, but it sort of is, isn’t it, or is it more like inbreeding? Is there a difference?

God: You sound tired, Neel. And confused. And drunk. Go to bed.

KM: It also means Jesus is a real motherfucker.

God: You think I’ll let her talk to you if you’re going to be like that?

KM: Oh, so women don’t get to make their own decisions in heaven?

God: Stop being a dick. Good night.

KM: Night, God. That was fun. And thanks to you too, Lindy. How’s Kazakhstan these days?

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Pope tweets a Heart full of love – not a Led Zep song

Pope tweets a Heart full of love - not a Led Zep song

Pope tweets a Heart full of love – not a Led Zep song

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope’s tweeting about a heart full of love. Sounds pretty good.

God: Nothing finer.

KM: And all I have to do to get one is to be merciful. How merciful will I have to be to get one?

God: I’m not following you.

KM: Like if I chose not to kill an ant, that wouldn’t be enough mercy to get a whole heart full of love would it?

God: Probably not, no.

KM: So it would be either lots of small acts of mercy, or maybe one really big one?

God: Rather than hold out for a big one, try being merciful every day.

KM: Okay. How long would it take to fill my heart with love if I do that?

God: Hard to say exactly. Might take a while.

KM: And what sort of love would it be?

God: What sort of love?

KM: Yeah. You know, the furry little kitten sort of love, or the can’t wait to see my brand new girlfriend again because this boner’s almost tearing the front out of my jeans sort of love.

God: I think it’s more like feeling love for the world, for everything and everyone.

KM: So both kinds?

God: No, Neel. Not the boner kind. That’s different.

KM: Oh.

God: It’s still really good love. Honestly.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You will try to be merciful?

KM: Yep. Night.

God: Good night, Neel.

KM: What would I have to do to get a heartful of the boner kind of love?

God: I’ve already said good night. Now turn off the light.

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Question for God from Andrew G

Question for God from Andrew G

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, you listening? I’ve got a question for God from Andrew G. He’s thirteen years old.

God: Shoot.

KM: Well that was an unfortunate word choice. He wants to know what he should do if a gunman comes into his classroom?

God: Oops. Sorry about that. That’s a tricky one.

KM: Yep. Glad I don’t have to answer it.

God: It would depend on a few things. He might be able to escape out another door.

KM: It’s a classroom, God. They’ve often got just the one.

God: It might be an idea to make sure they all have two or three in future.

KM: That’s not really going to help Andrew right now though is it?

God: No, I see your point. What’s the likelihood of there being a good guy with a gun in there?

KM: Are you taking the fucking piss? It’s a fucking school. If the kids and teachers start bringing guns into classrooms what do you think might happen?

God: Yeah, okay. If Andrew’s at the back of the room, maybe hiding on the floor would be best. Or… If he’s right next to the gunman and could maybe tackle him, that might work. Doesn’t the school have guidelines?

KM: I don’t know. But interesting you should mention the tackle thing because he did also ask that if he tackled a gunman and got killed, would he go to heaven? Even if he hadn’t confessed or prayed for a while?

God: If he’s trying to save people then… yeah, I guess… I don’t see why not… but if he had a suicidal motive… well… I probably need more information really. Did he ask anything else?

KM: No that’s it.

God: Okay then. Until next time.

KM: Like tits on a bull.

God: What?

KM: Nothing. Situation normal. Night, God.

God: Night, Neel.

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Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle

Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle
Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, what’s the silly old coot banging on about here? I’m thinking that he might be asking a bit much. What do you think?

God: He’s asking you to remember to make Jesus an ongoing part of your life.

KM: Yeah, but I really don’t have much control over who shows up in my dreams.

God: He means dreams as in plans.

KM: He said dreams “and” plans, not dreams “as in” plans.

God: You’re being unusually pedantic tonight, Neel.

KM: A dream without a plan can end up turning into a nightmare.

God: What?

KM: I just thought of it. As a cool thing for a motivational guru to say. I bet someone’s already said it.

God: Have you been toking on the old wacky tobaccy tonight, Neel?

KM: I think the term is wacky baccy. And no, not yet. He said plans and dreams twice. So he must think they’re different, otherwise he’s just farted out a double redundancy.

God: This isn’t feeling like a good use of my time, Neel.

KM: Fair enough. Can we boil it down to him saying, make Christ the centre of all your plans?

God: At last. Not so difficult was it?

KM: If my plan was to get married and have children, that’d be a bit off though, wouldn’t it?

God: I don’t know what you mean.

KM: Well, me and my future wife with Jesus in the middle. Like in a threesome. I don’t really want to have that dream.

God: You’re being far too literal.

KM: When I dream about threesomes, it’s two-girl threesomes. I definitely don’t want some bearded, sandal-wearing hippy showing up. That’d be a serious cock block.

God: Are you deliberately trying to annoy me?

KM: By calling Jesus a cock blocker? No way. If I was trying to annoy you I would have called him a fuck deductor.

God: Ha, ha. Very not funny.

KM: So it’s okay if Christ’s in the next room, rather than right at the centre of the plan or dream?

God: If that makes it easier for you to understand, sure. Is that it for tonight?

KM: Can I just ask one more question?

God: Just a quick one.

KM: Did Jesus ever have a threesome?

God: Go to sleep, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces)

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Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces)

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this one where the Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces).

God: Why did you bring faeces into it? Shock value?

KM: Yeah. And because the Pope has been known to talk about being sexually aroused by faeces, but there’ll be another post about that.

God: So what’s your problem with this one? Seems pretty uncontroversial.

KM: I haven’t seen much hate and darkness recently. Should I look for some so that I can bring love and hope?

God: Well… it’s usually not a good idea to go looking for trouble, so maybe that’s not what the Pontiff meant.

KM: I’m pleased to hear that. I mean I’ll still bring love and hope if I do stumble upon some hate in the darkness.

God: That’s good to hear.

KM: I do wonder about one thing though.

God: What’s that, Neel?

KM: I know that love and hope are human attributes, but hate is too isn’t it? I mean animals don’t hate do they?

God: It’s a side of humanity that needs to be discouraged and defeated.

KM: Why did you make humans capable of so much hate?

God: I didn’t make it that way. I gave humanity free will. Humanity made hate common.

KM: Sounds like a bit of a cop out to me. But never mind. I think the Pope’s a bit confused saying that love and hope will give society a more human face. Isn’t society a perfect reflection of humanity already? A warts and all sort of human face.

God: Perfect and imperfect both.

KM: By perfect, I didn’t mean good. I meant accurate.

God: Ah, right. But it doesn’t explain why different societies are so very different.

KM: The main differences seem to be in the way they relate to you.

God: Oh, you think?

KM: Especially in the case of the ones where they’re prepared to kill each other on the basis of how they relate to you.

God: I think you might be getting a wee bit off the track there, Neel. It’s very late, you must be tired.

KM: You’re the one that started that idea.

God: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

God: Phew!

KM: Sorry? Did you say something?

God:

 

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Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love

Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of lovePope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this one where the Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love? Why does the Pope think he knows so much about marriage?

God: The Pope is a very wise man.

KM: Yeah, I know. But he doesn’t have much experience in this area.

God: The Pope’s married to the Church.

KM: For sure. I know that. But isn’t he talking about marriage in the man woman, romantic love sense?

God: Yes, it seems like it.

KM: That’s an area he doesn’t have much experience in, does he?

God: Of course he doesn’t have experience in that sort of thing. What do you mean by much?

KM: Point taken. It’s unlikely that he’s had any sort of intimate experience with an adult woman.

God: I think that’s a given, but your phrasing seems to have implications.

KM: You’ve got to admit that sex scandals involving priests and adult women are almost unheard of. Whereas priests and children…

God: Neel, the Pope hasn’t been accused of anything.

KM: Why would any man with a normal, healthy level of sexual desire for adult women ever become a priest?

God: I was about to say Christ knows, but in fact he doesn’t.

KM: They made up the celibacy rules for themselves. Prima facie evidence of the sexual appetites of the priesthood.

God: I think you’re getting off the topic.

KM: Did you ever give any pope or priest any indication that you wanted them to make up rules that contradicted the natural behaviour of the human creature you so intelligently designed?

God: No, I didn’t.

KM: So they just decided for themselves that’s what they wanted to do?

God: Yes, Neel, now are we going to talk about the Pope’s tweet or not?

KM: You’ve got to admit that if you had an organization of men with unsociable sexual desires, the priesthood would have to be the best false flag organization you could imagine.

God: I’ll give you that.

KM: Thanks, God. Right, back to the tweet. I understand the bit about difficult moments, but is he saying that all difficult moments are like Jesus’ experiences on the Cross?

God: Didn’t he say experiences of the Cross?

KM: Yeah, you’re right… But I thought the experience of the Cross was the ultimate sacrifice made by you and Jesus for us all, which is not really in the same league as flushing the toilet when someone’s in the shower is it?

God: I’m not certain about this but I think he might be alluding to the Cross as in a marriage reaching a crossroads, and when you continue the journey together, the path is stronger.

KM: Uh… okay…

God: Is there anything else?

KM: Ah, no…  I think I’ll just let this one go through to the keeper. Thanks for your help.

God: Through to the keeper?

KM: Don’t they play cricket in heaven?

God: Sporting events that produce winners, also produce losers. There no losers in heaven.

KM: Well that sucks. Night, God.

God: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

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Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! What do you think about this? The Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church. We wouldn’t have faith without the Church giving it to us.

God: Is there a problem with that?

KM: Not with the words. They actually make sense for a change. Just a bit surprised at the bare-faced admission that without indoctrination people wouldn’t believe. I sure as hell wouldn’t have thought about going to church on my own. Certainly not as a child.

God: Which is exactly why it’s important for the Church to give the faith to children.

KM: So you’re saying if people weren’t indoctrinated as children most of them wouldn’t find faith at all?

God: I think we’re all in agreement on that, Neel.

KM: Even if a flock of faithful believers is what you want, can’t you see that indoctrination is wrong? It’s just another word for brainwashing.

God: At least it’s brain washing, Neel. Implanting nice clean thoughts. It’s not brain dirtying.

KM: What’s the point of giving free will to humans if your agents down here try to reprogram young minds into unquestioning belief? Do you really want armies of unthinking little clones running around doing your bidding?

God: That’s not what happens though, is it, Neel?

KM: Not to everybody, no. Thank, Christ.

God: You’re welcome.

KM: You know that’s not what I meant. Your priests take the uncluttered young minds of children and fill them with all sorts of  awful thoughts that they wouldn’t otherwise have, and certainly wouldn’t miss if they didn’t have them. A whole lot of guilt and fear. For what? To increase the numbers of the flock to make ever-increasing donations to build cathedrals of gold?

God: Priests don’t fill kids with guilt and fear.

KM: Oh, come on. Of course they do. All the tales of damnation and the fires of hell. If you’re bad you’ll be tortured for eternity. And to make it worse they’re told that God can read their minds, so just thinking naughty thoughts can make them terrified. It’s a form of child abuse. All Catholic kids get the mental child abuse, the unlucky ones also get the sexual abuse to go with it. And the priests that abuse them use the fear of God to keep them silent.

God: Sexual abuse is a whole other topic, Neel. Let’s stay on point. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Indoctrination is part of the process. Faith will help build them back up and make them stronger.

KM: After you’ve torn them down. Couldn’t you just give the gift of faith to adults?

God: Doesn’t tend to work as well.

KM: Oh really? And why do you think that is?

God: You know why, Neel. Young minds haven’t the experience to judge what’s real. Young minds are easier to make believe.

KM: Make believe. Exactly. Fairy tales for instance. Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. Kids gobble that shit up. Adults not so much.

God: If it hasn’t been drummed in early, people are less likely to believe in something without evidence.

KM: So why not just give them the evidence?

God: It’s not as easy as that.

KM: Why not? Why not just part the clouds and shout down at everybody, “Listen up. Here’s the gift of faith. Use it. Be faithful. Stop being bad!” And close the clouds again.

God: That’s not how I work.

KM: I know that, but I don’t understand why. If you decided it was a good idea to show yourself a couple of thousand years ago, why’s it a bad idea now?

God: You’re not meant to understand why, Neel. You’re just meant to believe. If I explained everything to you, it wouldn’t be mysterious would it?

KM: No but it might make sense.

God: But I work in mysterious ways.

KM: That you do.

God: So, have faith, Neel. Accept the gift.

KM: Yeah, fucking lovely gift. Blind faith. Mental slavery. Might as well say it out loud since you say you can read my mind.

God: It’s still bad manners. Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God. Night, Santa. Night, tooth fairy. And thank Christ that none of you exist.

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Pope says God’s forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Pope says God's forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Pope says God’s forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there?

God: Of course, Neel, as always. What’s on your mind?

KM: This old tweet from the old coot’s like a get out of hell free card. You think that’s a good idea?

God: What are you talking about, Neel?

KM: He’s saying that no sin is as strong as your forgiveness. So therefore you can do anything you like, genocide for example, knowing full well that if you step into a confessional afterwards, you’ll walk out with a clear slate.

God: I don’t think that’s the message he’s trying to get across.

KM: But it is what he’s saying. Why not go a step further and confess in advance? That way if you happen to be gunned down by the cops in the middle of a killing spree you’ll still go to heaven.

God: He definitely didn’t say that.

KM: It almost amounts to the same thing. If you know you’ll be forgiven, you can do anything you want. Heaven’s going to be full of real assholes when they twig to this.

God: I don’t think that’ll happen.

KM: We’ll see. New question. Once you’ve forgiven a sin, that’s it isn’t it? It’s not like being on parole where if you commit another sin you can add the old ones on top of the new sentence.

God: When a sin is forgiven, that, as you say, is it.

KM: And you can forgive any sin, regardless of how bad it is?

God: Provided the sinner repents and asks for forgiveness, yes. You’re not planning on committing a grave sin, are you Neal?

KM: Of course not. Can you hear the screams of the sinners in hell?

God: Yes.

KM: So you can hear their prayers as well?

God: People in hell don’t pray. They’re too busy dealing with pain and flames and the devil to even think about praying.

KM: So the last chance you get is if you see the gates of hell and you realise that’s where you’re going?

God: Pretty much.

KM: Will a last minute prayer be enough to do the job?

God: The job?

KM: Avoiding hell and going to heaven instead.

God: A sincere prayer for forgiveness will always be answered. Just don’t make the mistake of relying on that though. If you die when you’re not expecting it or while you’re unconscious…

KM: That’s why I always talk to you before I go to sleep.

God: But you don’t ask for forgiveness.

KM: Goes without saying. Just assume that I do and forgive me every day, okay?

God: That’s almost like your idea of forgiving in advance of a serious crime.

KM: You and your followers have so many bloody silly rules why can’t I have this one?

God: Fair enough. You’re forgiven.

KM: Woo hoo. Where’s Pascal incidentally? Is he with you up there? Did that work out for him?

God: No, he’s in hell. Silly bugger, at the last minute he changed Gods, picked the wrong one.

KM: Good. Serves him right.

God: I know. It made me laugh and laugh. Lying there on his death bed he started to panic. Changed his chosen God four times in his last ten minutes.

KM: He must be kicking himself.

God: He sure is. With a big spiky boot that goes all the way up his ass every time. He screams and screams.

KM: Nice.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope asks the Lord to give us the gentleness to look upon the poor

Pope asks the Lord to give us the gentleness to look upon the poor

Pope asks the Lord to give us the gentleness to look upon the poor

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope wants me to ask you something.

God: What’s that, Neel?

KM: Can I have the gentleness please?

God: Sure. Have as much as you like.

KM: Is there no limit? I thought I might have to do something for it. Like say a few Hail Marys or something.

God: No, you can go for it. The only problem with having too much gentleness is people may start to take advantage of you.

KM: But if I’m really meek, I’ll end up inheriting the earth won’t I?

God: Yes, of course. But not until after you’re dead.

KM: How does that work?

God: Mysteriously. You do inherit the earth. Just not in this lifetime.

KM: Right. Okay. Anyway I suppose I’m going to need a bit more gentleness. I can understand the poor. They’ve got no dosh. Been there myself once or twice. And I’m not afraid of them, so I’m sort of half way there, but loving them? Is that strictly necessary?

God: Well, not in a physical sense, no.

KM: Thank Christ for that.

God: I’ll let him know.

KM: Cheers. About the devoid of calculation bit?

God: Yeah?

KM: I don’t think I ever do calculations when I see poor people. I mean they’ve got nothing, so there’s nothing to add up, is there?

God: I don’t think that’s what the Pope meant by that.

KM: Well what did he mean?

God: I’m not sure. Leave it with me.

KM: Okay, thanks, God.

God: Sleep well, my son.

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Pope says the Church has no other meaning and finality…

Pope says the Church has no other meaning and finality

Pope says the Church has no other meaning and finality…

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? Did you see this? The Pope says the Church has no other meaning and finality than to witness Jesus.

God: Uh huh.

KM: I’ve been struggling with this in a couple of ways.

God: Life can often be a struggle, Neel.

KM: Yeah, quite often. And often thanks to your bullshit in the case of a lot of people.

God: No need to be rude, Neel. I am listening.

KM: Listening, listening, listening. To all those millions of unanswered prayers. Your area of expertise, obviously. Doing anything useful doesn’t seem to concern you. In fact your lack of intervention in anything makes the whole omnipotent thing laughable. Impotent is a more accurate description of your powers based on the evidence.

God: If you’re going to keep insulting me I’ll stop listening.

KM: Also beyond your powers, big boy. Whoever imagines that they’re talking to you controls whether you’re there or not.

God: I thought you wanted to talk about the Pope’s tweet.

KM: Oh, yeah. Firstly I don’t understand what it means. Which could be a bit embarrassing because thousands of people have liked it and retweeted it so obviously they all understand it.

God: Not necessarily.

KM: You think they’d like it and retweet it if they didn’t get it?

God: People sometimes pretend to understand things that don’t make sense. As a way of trying not to look stupid. Not that I’m saying the Pontiff doesn’t make sense here, but he could be a little less obtuse perhaps. What was the other thing you were struggling with?

KM: It’s difficult trying to get a handle on something so vague that it barely makes sense, so I’m having trouble trying to remember it. Which isn’t good, as the Pontiff makes it pretty clear that he doesn’t want us to forget it.

God: He does say that.

KM: But even using mnemonics it’s tricky, because apart from having no other meaning, I haven’t yet managed to understand the first meaning. Let alone either of the finalities.

God: There is no other finality. Just the one.

KM: What?

God: He said “no other”, meaning there is only one meaning and finality.

KM: Which is?

God: To witness Jesus. You understand the meaning of witnessing Jesus?

KM: I’ve witnessed all the crucifixes. The church is full of them. Is crucifixes the correct plural?

God: Sounds nicer than crucify.

KM: To you I’m sure it would. But surely the Pope can’t mean that the only meaning of the church is to look at the graven images.

God: You wouldn’t think so.

KM: So can you help me out?

God: Did you try asking the Pontiff? He’s the one who tweeted it.

KM: He doesn’t seem to respond to tweets. He’s pretty much a one-way from Jesus kind of Twitterer.

God: Oh, all right. So, no other meaning and finality…

KM: Oh hang on, he said “to witness to Jesus”, not “to witness Jesus”.

God: Well done. Further study always helps.

KM: I still don’t get it. Does it mean to tell stuff to Jesus? Like he’s a judge or something.

God: There you go.

KM: So the only reason for the church to exist is for people to talk to Jesus? As in praying?

God: You got a problem with that?

KM: It seems like the Pope himself may have forgotten it, contrary to his own stated wishes.

God: What makes you say that?

KM: A multi-billion dollar, international organization hardly seems necessary for people just wanting to indulge in a little prayer.

God: Can’t argue with that.

KM: I’m really tired now. Night, God.

God: Might, Neel. Sleep well.

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