Jesus came down on earth the mystery of the Cross


Jesus came down on earth the mystery of the Cross

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there?

God: Yes, Neel.

KM:  Jesus came down on earth the mystery of the Cross? “Jesus came down on earth”, what’s that supposed to mean?  Doesn’t the Vatican have any competent translators? Did you see the Pope’s latest tweet?

God: I’m omniscient, Neel, I see everything.

KM: Of course you do. What do you think about the way that he states something is very simple and straight forward, as if it’s an obvious fact, and then calls it a mystery?

God: He may be reminding his congregation that I work in mysterious ways.

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KM: You know what I think’s mysterious about you?

God: What’s that, Neel?

KM: Churches are called God’s house, right?

God: Yes…

KM: And they’ve sometimes been touted as sanctuaries where good people can hide out against evil doers?

God: Uh huh…

KM: Well how come you’ve allowed hundreds of thousands of children to be raped by your own employees in your own house?

God: It’s one of the consequences of free will, Neel.

KM: Being omniscient and omnipotent means that you watched every single one of those children being raped and deliberately decided to do nothing about it. And you also watched as your church protected and enabled the rapists by moving them to new places to rape again. Either you aided and abetted the carnage, or the whole omniscient and omnipotent schtick is bullshit. Which is it?

God: Mysterious ways, Neel. Isn’t that what you wanted to talk about?

KM: Another mystery is why you allow so many rapists and pedophiles to become priests in the first place.

God: There’s a bit of a shortage of normal men, by which I mean men with a healthy sexual appetite for adult women, who buy into the whole vow of celibacy thing. Doesn’t make sense to most.

KM: Was that the point of the celibacy rule? To encourage those with abnormal desires?

God: I didn’t invent the rule.

KM: It’s your church. Aren’t you omniscient and omnipotent?

God: I thought you wanted to talk about the Pope’s tweet about the mystery of the Cross?

KM: Nice deflection, big boy. And by nice I mean, childish, simplistic and obvious. Never mind. I knew you’d have no answers for the tricky questions. So, back to the Pope. He says A causes B, therefore mystery. What the absolute fuck? Once again the pontiff tweets some inane bullshit and within hours, tens of thousands of people are liking and retweeting it.

God: Good to be Pope.

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KM: Why did Jesus have to “come down on earth” as a baby? If he’d arrived as a 30 year old preacher he could have got on with doing his stuff straight away. As it is, the story has a decades long hole in the middle of it where absolutely nothing happens. You sent your “son” down to do something “important”, but not so urgent that it couldn’t wait for a few decades while the Jesus half-human-thing muddled along through a mostly unremarkable infancy, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Act One, a few days, a birth. Act Two, literally decades of literally nothing. Act Three, a brief flurry of activity, culminating in violence and gore. Good finale, but a terrible story structure. Also wouldn’t it have been more impressive and easier for people to believe his story if he’d descended on a light beam? Or a rocket-powered unicorn?

God: You can bag the story as much as you like, Neel, but it works. Billions of people love Jesus.

KM: Even though he doesn’t exist?

God: Not important. People love Harry Potter and James Bond. There are even people that love Donald Trump. Apparently because he “tells it like it is”. Ha ha ha.

KM: Wouldn’t the world be a better place if you hadn’t made such a large proportion of people so fucking gullible?

God: If I made everybody really smart, who’d go to church?

KM: At last, a plausible answer. Night, God.

God: Night, Neel.

kneelingman avatar

Vatican Syndrome – a variant of Stockholm Syndrome

Vatican Syndrome

Vatican Syndrome

Leaving the Catholic Church is not usually as difficult as leaving other faith-based organisations, such as Scientology or Islam, where the consequences can be brutal. A Catholic doesn’t have to renounce Christianity in order to leave the church. There are many non-Catholic Christian churches that will happily welcome ex-Catholics. A Catholic could also decide to keep the Christian faith, but pray in private. Both options avoid having to address the veracity, or any other aspect, of the faith itself.

Yet, even with the constantly growing number of revelations of the magnitude of the sexual abuse pandemic in the Catholic Church, most of the faithful still feel a strong allegiance to the Vatican.

Why? Vatican Syndrome – a variant of Stockholm Syndrome.

In 1973 four employees of the Kreditbanken at Norrmalmstorg in Stockholm were taken hostage during an attempted bank robbery. They were held for six days in one of the bank’s vaults. Nooses, guns and dynamite were initially used to scare them into submitting to the robbers’ instructions. One of the hostages was heard screaming as a robber held her in a stranglehold while on a call to the Swedish Prime Minister.

The police moved into the apartment above the bank and drilled a hole in the ceiling of the vault. The bank robbers fired bullets through the hole, but eventually they surrendered after the police pumped tear gas into the vault.

After the event, none of the hostages would testify against their captors. In fact they raised money for their defence and visited them in jail. The police were baffled by this behaviour and called in criminologist and psychologist, Nils Bejerot. He said the state of mind of the hostages was the result of a type of brainwashing. Bejerot coined the term Norrmalmstorg Syndrome, which became known internationally as Stockholm Syndrome.

In 1974, heiress Patty Hearst was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army. They locked her in a closet for long periods, blindfolded her, gagged her and raped her. She eventually agreed to join her captors’ cause and was famously seen on surveillance video carrying an assault rifle during an armed bank robbery.

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At her trial the defence tried to establish that brainwashing was the cause of her actions. The judge didn’t buy it. Hearst was sentenced to seven years, although she served less than two before being pardoned.

Following her release, Patty Hearst never showed any sign of reverting to the behaviour she exhibited while under the influence of the SLA. Her free will had been reinstated. She returned to normalcy.

There are many more examples. Today Stockholm Syndrome is widely understood and accepted. It not only applies to hostage and prisoner scenarios, but also to the sexual abuse of children.

“Aspects of Stockholm Syndrome could be identified in the responses of adult survivors of child sexual abuse, which appeared to impact on their ability to criminally report offenders. An emotional bond, which has enabled the sexual abuse of children, has served to protect the offender long after the abuse has ceased.” – Shirley Jülich, Stockholm Syndrome and Child Sexual Abuse, Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 2005.

Recovering from Stockholm Syndrome usually involves counselling, in which the patient is helped to understand that the feelings they have are part of a normal survival instinct. The recovery process involves a return to normalcy in the lives of victims.

An abused kidnap victim would have much less chance of recovery, including a return to normalcy, if the perpetrator was a famous and revered person who regularly appeared in the media, on magazine covers and billboards, everywhere the victim went.

The Catholic Church gives the appearance of being omnipresent and omnipotent, especially through the prominence of Catholic Churches, which are often the grandest structures in towns and cities where Catholics reside. So it’s not surprising that Catholics, any number of whom may be experiencing Vatican Syndrome to a greater or lesser extent, can’t begin to comprehend a mental escape, or a return to normalcy.

Which means that Vatican Syndrome, sadly, is likely to be with us for a very, very long time.

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Vatican Syndrome – Definitions

Stockholm Syndrome – An emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of intermittent stress, abuse, threats and a need to cooperate for survival.

Vatican Syndrome – A strong, ideological allegiance, within a congregation, to an institution that beats, threatens, abuses, and intimidates them. A psychological survival strategy.

Beatings – Copiously reported from Catholic schools and orphanages
Threats – An omniscient God, Hell, eternal damnation, pain and suffering
Abuse – Sexual, mental and physical abuse by clergy and teachers
Intimidation – Priests learn of sins in confession Speak out and you will be ostracised

Vatican Syndrome – a variant of Stockholm Syndrome.

kneelingman avatar

When was the Catholic Church NOT a Haven for Pedophiles?

When was the Catholic Church NOT a Haven for Pedophiles?

When was the Catholic Church NOT a Haven for Pedophiles?

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there?

God: Of course, Neel.

KM: Right, stick your fingers in your ears and bugger off, you’re not going to want to hear this.

God: What?

KM: Piss off, I’m not in a good mood. This is a rant and I don’t want or need your input.

God: Oh… Okay, bye…

KM: Rhetorical question –

When was the Catholic Church NOT a haven for pedophiles?

The story that follows is fiction. It doesn’t invoke works of ancient hearsay, so heresy cannot be claimed. Neither can blasphemy, because blasphemy’s not relevant unless something that can’t withstand rational scrutiny claims to be true.

One day, more than a thousand years ago, a parish priest made an unscheduled visit to the largest landowner in the district. On arrival he heard unusual noises coming from the basement. The priest descended the steps and found the landowner engaged in buggery with a ten-year-old boy. Also present, in varying states of undress and arousal, were three of the landowner’s friends. The priest gasped and turned to leave. One of the men  grabbed him and dragged him back inside. The peasant boy was sent on his way with a warning to keep their secret, on pain of death for his whole family. The priest was tied to a post.

The landowner and friends had been caught in an act of such vile debauchery that their execution would surely follow. A plan was hatched. The priest was killed and buried right there in the basement. One of the landowner’s friends was a visitor from another province and therefore unknown to any of the locals. On the following Sunday he appeared in the pulpit and announced that he was the new pastor of the parish and that the previous priest had been reassigned to another parish far away.

After one particularly depraved session with a young alter boy, which included a few flagons of consecrated wine, the conspirators realised that not only was the church providing a good cover for their activities, it was also facilitating them. Perhaps it could provide a whole lot more besides. Soon the rapidly expanding group had killed and replaced priests in eight neighbouring parishes, and eventually took over the cathedral in the provincial capital.

Sensing that they couldn’t continue to expand through violent acquisition, the newly installed bishop and his cronies declared a split from the established church and set themselves up as a committee of cardinals to forge some new rules. Promises of a better heaven and a more terrible hell helped to swell attendances but it was the forgiving of sins through confession that really appealed to the masses. This was a masterstroke as it gave the priests the power of knowing the secrets of the flock along with an ability to extract extra donations from serious sinners to ensure their secrets remained buried. They also implemented a celibacy rule, so they’d have no further need to maintain a public pretence of being socially acceptable, “normal” heterosexuals.

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This new version of the old religion was a runaway success. With income from donations, confessions and indulgences, the church started charities, orphanages and schools. Initially this was a way of keeping stocks of juvenile sex slaves readily available, but also, through clever brainwashing, it increased the numbers of new followers.

In the early days of the church, there was no way for any of the victims of this pedophile empire to know what they a were part of. Each individual victim, sworn to secrecy by their priest, could only believe that were indeed a very unlucky individual. The church continued to grow and spread its system of institutionalised child rape to the point where the victims numbered in the hundreds of thousands, if not millions, world-wide.

In the second half of the twentieth century, developments in communication meant that victims began to hear stories of other victims and when they realised they weren’t alone, many began to come forward. The church attributed the complaints to a few bad apples and worked hard to protect its status and, more importantly, the true history of its establishment.

And there ends the fiction. But think about this –

Had such an organisation been established a thousand years ago, and grown and become massively successful, would there be any obvious difference between it and the Catholic Church of today?

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When was the Catholic Church NOT a Haven for Pedophiles?

( Post Script – The Vatican has always known that thousands of priests were, and are, serial child rapists. Cardinal Ratzinger became Pope following 20 years as the chief enforcer of the Crimen Sollicitationis, the secret, 39 page, Vatican instruction manual for maintaining secrecy of sex offences in the church. It advises on appropriate punishment of victims for disclosing what happened to them, but says absolutely nothing about helping them. [Sex Crimes and the Vatican, BBC, 2006] The Church claims it’s doing all it can to address the problem, although its actions indicate that self-preservation has always been the paramount concern.)

KM: Oi, God!

God: Yes, Neel?

KM: What do you think about that?

God: You told me to go away.

KM: Yeah, but you never listen. At least you never answer prayers.

God: Just because I don’t answer prayers doesn’t mean I’m not listening.

KM: It was a question not a prayer. You going to answer?

God: It’s a more plausible story than most of the shit the Pope comes out with.

KM: Amen to that.

God: Night, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

kneelingman avatar

Pope stimulated by the fragrance and flavour of Jesus

Is the Pope too enthusiastic about the flavour of Jesus Christ’s flesh?

Kneeling Man: The flavour of Jesus. Holy shit. Oi, God, you there?

God: Sure am, Neel. As always.

KM: I was concerned a while back when the Pope talked about becoming sexually aroused by faeces, but I think his enthusiasm about the flavour of Jesus might be worse.

God: Hard to imagine.

KM: Cannibalism vs turd triggered turgidity? Could be argued both ways I guess. Whatever. Cannibalism seems to be his latest thing.

God: The Eucharist has always had a bit of cannibalism about it, Neel. Eat my body, drink my blood.

KM: True, but he’s getting into it with too much relish for my taste.

God: Oh, Neel, that’s pretty corny, even for you.

KM: Sorry about that. Flavour of words and deeds is okay, but the taste of death and the fragrance of spirit? It’s one thing to symbolically acknowledge his body and blood, but to fantasize about the taste of his flesh and the smell of his rotting corpse…

God: You really think that’s what he means?

KM: This is a man who talks about poos making him horny.

God: There is that.

KM: “… the taste of His Death and Resurrection, the fragrance of His Spirit.” There’s a level of enthusiasm about the flavour of Jesus that’s not far short of arousal. Almost as if he was fantasizing about eating Jesus’ liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti, then making that little clicking sound with his tongue.

God: Now you’re going too far.

KM: Okay, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and pretend he’s not being creepy and disgusting. So, apart from serving up yet another bowl of theological word salad, what the hell is he talking about?

God: How would I know?

KM: They say he’s got a direct line of communication with you.

God: So they say.

KM: Well does he?

God: Have you forgotten that I’m imaginary and you’re just talking to yourself?

KM: I’m only human, God. A lot of us make that mistake.

God: Too true. One day, just for fun, I’m going to answer the prayers of every single person in a football stadium. All at the same time. At the end of the game, everyone, including all the players, will believe that their team has won.

KM: How would that work?

God: Mass delusion, Neel. It’s very common. Every person of faith thinks their team’s the true winner.

KM: Just back to the football for a second, if you’ve got thousands of fans believing they’ve won, and they see all the fans on the other side waving flags and cheering like they’ve won, wouldn’t that spark a huge fight?

God: Ya think?

KM: Oh, yeah, I see what you’re getting at. We do a lot of fighting over mass delusions.

God: Yep.

KM: I think I’ve had enough of prayer for one night.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: God?

God: Yes, Neel?

KM: Could you tell me something comforting? To help me sleep.

God: I love you and care about you.

KM: Thanks, God.

God: And I won’t send you to hell.

KM: Thanks. That’s nice to know.

God: So long as you keep believing in me and praising me.

KM: Bastard.

God: Ha, ha. Night, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope insults Trump’s wife – Twitter War is ON

Pope insults Trump 1Pope insults Trump

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, this could get interesting. The Pope insults Trump here with this one. Sounds typically woolly, aka theologically deep, but it’s really a dig at the Donald.

God: What?

KM: Substitute the Donald’s bitch for the Pope’s bitch.

God: The Pope’s bitch?

KM: The Church. He’s married to the Church, right?

God: Oh, yeah, that. So… “Melania shines forth when she is missionary, welcoming, free, faithful, poor in means and rich in love.”

KM: See? She was poor in means but became rich by adopting a welcoming missionary position and pretending to be freely in love with a rich fat man.

God: Oh come on, Neel. That’s a bit of a stretch. Even for you.

KM: It’s designed to get the Donald’s attention, to let him know that the Pope’s playing.

God: Playing what?

KM: Twitter War. Remember their frosty encounter at the Vatican?

God: Yeah.

KM: So we know the Pope doesn’t like him, and he’s annoyed that the Donald can say and Tweet the most ridiculous nonsense and have his followers lap it up. Until now the Pope’s been the undisputed champion of ludicrous Tweets.

God: Yeah, there’s certainly evidence of that.

KM: And his only real competition came from idiots like Ken Ham and the Osteens and other snake oil preacher types, who are all pretty much on the same team.

God: What about Deepak?

KM: Fair point. But still a similar team. They all spout nonsense in the name of religion and woo woo, and people buy any old shit in the name of religion and woo woo. Whereas the Donald spouts nonsense that’s meant to make sense in the real world. It doesn’t of course, but his followers either don’t notice or don’t care.

God: So you think the Pope’s Tweet is a challenge to the Donald?

KM: It’s an announcement of taking the challenge to the Donald. In fact they’ve both been at it for a while. The Donald started it back in 2013.

Pope insults Trump 2God: Isn’t that a compliment?

KM: The Pope knows the Donald’s a congenital liar, so he assumes he’s taking the piss. Also the Pope hates the idea of being likened to Trump. Especially by Trump.

God: Makes sense.

KM: But does this?

Pope insults Trump 3

God: That’s either greatly profound, or barely makes more than a flicker of sense. Another entry in the annals of ludicrous Tweets.

KM: He likes the Light theme.

Pope insults Trump 4

KM: Why would we need to take refuge to ask the Virgin a question?

God: I’ll have a word to her about that and get back to you.

KM: You should get back to the Pontiff on that too. And on this.

Pope insults Trump 5

God: Fair enough. But what’s the Donald got to do with all this Papal bull?

KM: Well, instead of talking his usual crap about China inventing climate change and secret plans to defeat ISIS in 30 days, he upped his game by reaching for the mysterious profundity card.

Pope insults Trump covfefe 1

God: What?

KM: I thought if anyone could understand that, it would be you.

God: No idea. And that was apropos of what?

KM: This.

Pope insults Trump covfefe 2

God: Okay… And what brought that about?

KM: Christ knows.

God: No he doesn’t. And neither do I. Trump’s not good at this is he? Doesn’t sound even vaguely profound. Just dumb. He should get Deepak over to coach him.

KM: I think an attention span of more than a few seconds would be required to become skilled in the art of profound bullshitting.

God: True. You can’t fix stupid. Sources say he’s a vindictive bastard too.

KM: Damn right. And a bully. It’s a good thing the Pope doesn’t have missiles otherwise the Donald might try to threaten him by sending a carrier group to Australia.

God: Does anyone actually care what these charlatans say about each other?

KM: They’ve both got millions of followers on Twitter.

God: Really?

KM: You work in mysterious ways, big boy.

God: Indeed I seem to. Night, Neel.

KM: Night, God. Sleep well.

God: You know I don’t… ah forget it.

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Spouse of Mary aka St Joseph the Cuckold Day

Spouse of Mary aka St Joseph the Cuckold
Spouse of Mary aka St Joseph the Cuckold

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, your boy’s on fire today. Jamming a whole shitload of piss-takes into one little tweet.

God: What are you talking about, Neel?

KM: Best wishes to fathers?

God: Yeah, and?

KM: Well he wasn’t a father was he, old Joseph? He was a cuckold. Catholic doctrine preaches the perpetual virginity of Mary, despite conflicting reports of siblings, so he’s clearly taking the piss.

God: It’s Father’s Day in Italy.

KM: Really? They conflate St Joe the Cuckold Day with Father’s Day and expect nobody to notice how stupid that is?

God: They do get away with a lot. Besides he didn’t actually say Joseph was a father. He said, “And best wishes to fathers!”

KM: Good spotting. Either way, he’s still taking the piss. St Joseph? That’s a piss-take in its own right. Sainthood for dying in the arms of Jesus and Mary? The patron saint of a happy death? Everybody dies. But he gets to be a saint for dying nicely? Jesus wept.

God: I’m sure he did.

KM: Next up, Patron of the Universal Church? What the hell does that mean? Is that like the Miss Universe contest? Everybody knows there’s no universal church. There’s three or four thousand bloody silly religions on this one little planet alone.

God: The simplicity of unity helps believers to believe.

KM: Lift your game, God. That’s the sort of nonsense charlatans like the Pope and Deepak come up with.

God: It may sound like papal bull but it actually makes sense.

KM: Okay, fine. But we’re up to three piss-takes in one tweet so far. And there’s still one more to come. May the saint of peaceful death bless you and watch over you.

God: Why’s that a piss-take?

KM: Well even if the death saint’s blessing doesn’t actually bring death, which it sounds like it should, he’s the last one I’d want watching over me. He couldn’t even keep an eye on his missus.

God: Yep, fair point.

KM: Do you think he might’ve been impotent? No Viagra back then, was there?

God: Not the sort of thing they really talked about was it?

KM: Plenty of topics were off limits, that’s for sure. Finally, a serious question.

God: Go on.

KM: Why are they so keen on venerating virgins? If you take that to its logical conclusion and everybody decided to be perfectly holy, meaning virgins, the result would be the extinction of humanity. How stupid’s that?

God: It’s a good thing humanity has an aversion to logical conclusions.

KM: And logic in general. Amen to that, big boy.

God: Night, Neel. Try not to drink so much.

KM: How else am I meant to make sense of it?

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Educating an act of love, giving life

Educating an act of love
Pope thanks all who teach in Catholic schools

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, what’s this shit? Educating an act of love, giving life? Could almost be a description of fornication, no? You’d think he’d be more careful about this sort of thing. What with all the pedophile priest business.

God: You think he’s thanking teachers who have sex with their pupils?

KM: Maybe he’s giving them a sly nod for doing the work of the church. You know, indoctrinate children for us and it’s okay if you fuck a few of them. The church preaches love. So what’s wrong with a bit of the old educating an act of love? Nudge, wink.

God: I don’t think that’s what he’s saying, Neel.

KM: He’s thanking “all those who teach in Catholic schools”. That definitely includes the pedos. That’s almost worse than “very fine people on both sides.”

God: I doubt that’s what he means.

KM: Really? He sentenced a pedophile priest to a lifetime of prayer. What’s the punishment for a singer who commits murder? A lifetime of singing?

God: The Vatican does seem to be morally compromised from time to time.

KM: I think you mean all the time. Anyway, do you think it’s a good idea to indoctrinate children?

God: It’s definitely good for the church. Keeps the numbers up.

KM: Is it good for the children? Or for the world as a whole?

God: That’s a big question.

KM: Okay. Try this. If children in the middle east were not brainwashed by being made to learn the Quran, would they be more or less likely to kill each other?

God: Well…

KM: Oh come, on. No bullshit now. If there was no religion there’d be a lot less killing. Admit it. It’s so fucking obvious. You start lying to me and I won’t even bother imagining that you exist any more.

God: All right, all right. That’s true. Neighbours with different religious beliefs do tend to kill each other more than neighbours with the same beliefs.

KM: Or neighbours with no beliefs. Like the Scandinavian countries. Or Australia and New Zealand. Countries with mostly atheist populations are the most peaceful places on earth. True or false?

God:

KM: True or false?

God: True.

KM: How do you feel about that?

God: What is this, a bloody interview?

KM: Nice Aussie accent. Are you trying to pander to me?

God: Aren’t you tired, Neel?

KM: Bloody right, I am. Sick and tired. Of all the bullshit.

God: Goodnight, Neel.

KM: Night.

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Beauty in God’s plan for humanity

Beauty in God's plan for humanity

Beauty in God’s plan for humanity

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, his vaticanly holiness has fired out another another word salad one. I think he probably has his people knock up a whole lot of random ecclesiastical sounding tweets so he can pretty much whip them off the shelf as he needs them.

God: He also tweets about current events.

KM: Yeah, but not very often.

God: Whenever he deems it necessary.

KM: So does he get people to generate a stash of tweets or not?

God: How would I know?

KM: You know everything.

God: Fair enough. But you understand the concept of doctor patient confidentiality right?

KM: You’re not a doctor. You told me that when I said my knees hurt.

God: And I’m not a lawyer either. But my requirement for confidentiality is greater then all the doctors and lawyers combined.

KM: So you’re not going to tell me who writes the Pope’s tweets?

God: No.

KM: Can you tell me any secrets at all?

God: What sort of secrets?

KM: The sort of stuff you tell prophets. You know, revelations.

God: Are you thinking of starting your own church?

KM: There’s good money in it, apparently.

God: There are more than enough churches already, Neel.

KM: So that’s a no?

God: That’s a no.

KM: But you don’t mind me posting our conversations on the internet?

God: Not at all. Why would I?

KM: In case people did start to treat me like a prophet.

God: Why would they do that?

KM: Because I’m talking to you directly. Just like the Pope.

God: You think people will believe you?

KM: Why not? Some people believe all that ludicrous crap in the Book of Mormon.

God: Good point. And what about Scientology? I’m amazed anyone believes that nonsense. And I know exactly how stupid people are.

KM: What do you think might be a good story to make up if you did want to start a church?

God: It’s time you got some sleep, Neel.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel.

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Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God

Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God
Entrust the New Year to Mary, Mother of God

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Does this mean the Pope trusts your mother more than he trusts you and Jesus?

God: I doubt that’s what he means.

KM: So it’s more like, give Mary a go because 2016 was such a crapper?

God: No, I don’t think that either, Neel. He’s saying that Mary is most merciful, so entrusting a year to her may bring peace.

KM: Uh huh. Two questions on that. Most merciful, meaning more merciful than you? And, do you think it’ll work, as in actually bringing peace?

God: No and maybe.

KM: Maybe?

God: And maybe not. But there’s nothing wrong with hope.

KM: Unless it’s unrealistic.

God: It’s better than no hope. Aren’t you tired, Neel?

KM: Not really. If Mary’s your mother, who’s your daddy?

God: Mary’s my mother in the sense of being Jesus’ mother, because Jesus is also me. I am the father.

KM: And the son and the Holy Ghost.

God: Correct.

KM: It’s not simple is it?

God: It makes sense to the faithful.

KM: Of course it does. So you’re happy that Mary’s in charge for 2017?

God: She won’t actually be in charge, that’s still my job.

KM: So what’s the point of the Pope’s tweet?

God: To bring hope to the faithful.

KM: Even forlorn hope?

God: You’re going round in circles now, Neel. You should get some rest.

KM: Okay. Good night, God.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

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Meaning to my life here on earth

Meaning to my life here on earth
Meaning to my life here on earth

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, I don’t understand why he tweeted this. Jesus gives meaning to my life here on earth?

God: What’s to understand, Neel? It makes perfect sense to me.

KM: It’s just stating the bleeding obvious isn’t it?

God: He’s reiterating his faith.

KM: Sure, but without Jesus, he wouldn’t even have a job, let alone meaning.

God: Which is exactly what he’s saying.

KM: And hope for the life to come. Hope? A bit weak don’t you think? The whole selling premise of his organisation is that you’ll get the big payoff when you’re dead. It requires faith. Here he says he hopes for the life to come.  Hope? Hope is buying a lottery ticket. Faith is what makes people tithe ten percent. But the big kahuna can only muster hope? Sad.

God: You’re playing with words, Neel.

KM: Theologians play with words. In fact it’s pretty much all they do.

God: That’s one way of looking at it.

KM: You don’t think he’s implying there’s a possibility of Jesus not being there?

God: Not being where?

KM: Anywhere.

God: You’re not doubting your faith are you, Neel?

KM: Ha ha, good one. I’m just wondering whether the Pope might be doubting his. You know like Mother Teresa. What with all his talk of coprophagia and things.

God: I thought we agreed you shouldn’t think about that.

KM: I’ve been trying not to, but it’s like a bloody annoying Abba song that just won’t go away.

God: Which one?

KM: Cut that out. You know it’s all of them. Don’t you dare start humming.

God: I was tempted.

KM: Yeah, but don’t. Please. Anyway, I just thought if you were going to say something to ten million people you might perhaps put a bit more work into it.

God: He tweets every day pretty much. You can’t expect them all to be gems.

KM: That’d be a miracle wouldn’t it? If every single one was just, wham, knock your socks off brilliant?

God: Yes it would. Anyway, don’t you need to get some sleep?

KM: Yeah, I do. By the way, could you tell me something about the last miracle?

God: What do want to know?

KM: What was it? What actually happened? When and where? And what was the outstanding thing that made it a miracle, something that couldn’t happen according to the laws of nature?

God: I like you, Neel. Always trying to push back the curtain of mystery. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

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Faecal fantasies – Pope talks about getting sexually aroused by faeces

Pope ... sexually aroused by faeces?
Pope Frank … sexually aroused by faeces?

Sexually aroused by faeces

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope’s been talking about coprophagia.

God: Yes I saw that.

KM: What does it mean?

God: Why are you asking me? Didn’t you look it up?

KM: Yes, I did.

God: I know you did.

KM: Getting sexually aroused by faeces? I’d never heard of such a thing before. But the Pope seems to know all about it.

God: Knowledge is good.

KM: The Pope seems to think it’s quite a common thing. I didn’t even know it was a thing.

God: Then I’m sorry that you had to find out about it.

KM: Me too. It’s not the first time he’s talked about it either.

God: Really?

KM: In 2013 he said journalists risked becoming ill from their coprophilia, and that they could be fomenting coprophagia in their readers.

God: Uh huh.

KM: You don’t think he might be psychologically projecting do you?

God: I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you should be thinking about, Neel.

KM: I agree. Makes me feel sick. I hope he’ll stop talking about it.

God: Was there anything else, Neel?

KM: No, that’s it. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: If I can stop thinking about it I will.

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The mystery of the Cross understood in prayer

The mystery of the Cross

The mystery of the Cross understood in prayer

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this shit?

God: What is it now, Neel?

KM: Praying and weeping while kneeling to reveal the mystery of the cross understood in prayer. A mystery of love. What the fuck is he talking about?

God: The cross, Neel. You know, the sacred image of the crucifiction of Jesus.

KM: I know what it is. Anyway, how come all these sacred images, crucifixes and the like are okay, but graven images are in the category of “thou shalt not”?

God: Is that what you wanted to talk about?

KM: Not right now, no. But one whole commandment just to say no to engraving images? You sure you weren’t on the piss when you decided on that one? And some interpretations of that also include crosses and most of the decorations in churches. But ignore that. We’ll do that another time. It’s this mystery of the cross bullshit I want to talk about tonight. I’ve got one right here.

God: I can see that, Neel.

KM: It’s a mystery all right.

God: The cross?

KM: No, the tweet. Does it make any sense to you?

God: The Pope says it can only be understood in prayer. Have you prayed and wept, kneeling before the cross?

KM: Oh Jesus Christ, you know me better than that. Besides, I can’t just make myself cry. Maybe if you told me a sad story.

God: Not really the sort of thing I do, Neel.

KM: What is the sort of thing you do, God?

God: This, Neel. Talking to you. And others.

KM: That’s it?

God: Recently, yeah.

KM: What do you mean by recently?

God: Since Jesus came home.

KM: Like the last two thousand years?

God: Yep.

KM: Couldn’t you do a bit more?

God: A bit more what, Neel?

KM: I don’t know. Send another message or another prophet or something.

God: That would lessen the mystery wouldn’t it?

KM: The mystery of the Cross?

God: Exactly.

KM: I’m going to try to think some sad thoughts now. Maybe if I think about how many people waste their lives on delusions like this.

God: Good work, Neel. That’s the spirit. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope says love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Pope says love fills the empty spaces caused by evil

Kneeling Man: Oi, God. The Pope’s talking crazy shit again. Any idea what he’s on about?

God: The importance of love, Neel. Christian love.

KM: So he’s not talking about making love then?

God: No.

KM: Well that’s lucky. Otherwise it’d be like he was asking us to get it on twenty four seven. Oh no,  over there, another empty space. Quick, we’d better fuck. Get rid of that evil.

God: Settle down, Neel. Remember who you’re talking to.

KM: Yeah, my imagination. Thanks for the reminder. So the Pope’s talking about that non-physical type of love thing?

God: For the love of Jesus, Neel, yes. Christian love.

KM: How does evil cause empty spaces?

God: Well, that’s a very complicated concept. I’m not sure we have time to go into it in detail.

KM: Just in broad terms.

God: It’s really not the sort of thing that can be summarised.

KM: Yeah, right. Okay. Are all empty spaces evil? Because there’s an awful lot of empty space in space. That’s a whole lot of evil. Actually that’d make pretty much 99.999999999% of everything in the universe evil.

God: He’s not saying the empty spaces are evil. Just that they can be caused by evil. And I don’t think he meant that all empty space in space is caused by evil. Not that sort of space.

KM: So some empty spaces are caused by evil. But probably not the ones with the blue lines and the wheelchair pictures closest to the door? Because those are good spaces, right?

God: I don’t think he was thinking about parking spaces either, Neel.

KM: So what sort of spaces was he thinking about?

God: Spaces in the heart.

KM: Oooh. Like when babies are born with a hole in their heart? Or when people get a heart murmer? Ooh my heart, it’s got an evil space, ooohhhh.

God: If you’re going to be childish, I have other things to do.

KM: Like what? Curing child cancer or stopping the odd spot of genocide? Don’t let me hold you back.

God: You’re being a real dick tonight, Neel.

KM: Okay, back to the Pope’s tweet. What does evil get out of causing empty spaces? Especially if they don’t stay evil after evil’s finished causing them.

God: Once again it’s a very complicated concept.

KM: That can’t be summarised?

God: Pretty much.

KM: If you weren’t an all knowing and beneficent God, I’d suspect that you know the Pope’s just making shit up and you’re covering for him.

God: Well that’s what you have free will for, Neel. You can think wahtever you like. Aren’t you getting tired?

KM: Just one more thing. If love is the secret of Christian living, why’s he tweeting it to the whole world? Does he not understand the concept of a secret?

God: What?

KM: Never mind.

God: Night, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, did you see this? The Pope says mercy can save humanity and the world. Saving humanity and the world’s a big one.

God: It certainly is.

KM: You think sin and evil are as big a threat as climate change?

God: They’re difficult to compare. Different categories.

KM: Are sin and evil the same category?

God: Not exactly, but they are related.

KM: So there are three things threatening humanity and the world. Sin, evil and climate change.

God: Yeah.

KM: Oh, and Islam. Four things. And if Trump really turns out to be Putin’s puppet. That’ll be five things.

God: Let’s leave Islam out of this.

KM: Why?

God: I’m trying to keep you safe, Neel.

KM: What?

God: What’s your favourite guitar sound? Maybe a Gibson Les Paul played through a Marshall amp with a fat wah wah pedal.

KM: A what? A fat wah wah… Oh yeah, right. Fat wah wah. Yep, good, right. Let’s leave Islam out of this. Okay then. Four things.

God: Yep.

KM: I don’t see how mercy can do anything about Putin and Trump or climate change, regardless of how powerful it is.

God: Which is probably why the Pope didn’t say it could.

KM: Okay so let’s not worry about Putin and Trump and climate change for now.

God: You realise that’s exactly why things got this bad?

KM: Ha ha. Good one. Shit, you’re right. You got me there. But anyway, as far as true powers go, I’ve never seen mercy do much. It can’t lift buildings, or make things invisible can it?

God: No.

KM: So what can it do as a true power?

God: It can save humanity and the world.

KM: Pretty vague answer, big boy. Maybe the Pope’s just making shit up again.

God: Look at the time, wow it’s getting late.

KM: Night, God.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

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Pope tweets a Heart full of love – not a Led Zep song

Pope tweets a Heart full of love - not a Led Zep song

Pope tweets a Heart full of love – not a Led Zep song

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope’s tweeting about a heart full of love. Sounds pretty good.

God: Nothing finer.

KM: And all I have to do to get one is to be merciful. How merciful will I have to be to get one?

God: I’m not following you.

KM: Like if I chose not to kill an ant, that wouldn’t be enough mercy to get a whole heart full of love would it?

God: Probably not, no.

KM: So it would be either lots of small acts of mercy, or maybe one really big one?

God: Rather than hold out for a big one, try being merciful every day.

KM: Okay. How long would it take to fill my heart with love if I do that?

God: Hard to say exactly. Might take a while.

KM: And what sort of love would it be?

God: What sort of love?

KM: Yeah. You know, the furry little kitten sort of love, or the can’t wait to see my brand new girlfriend again because this boner’s almost tearing the front out of my jeans sort of love.

God: I think it’s more like feeling love for the world, for everything and everyone.

KM: So both kinds?

God: No, Neel. Not the boner kind. That’s different.

KM: Oh.

God: It’s still really good love. Honestly.

KM: Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You will try to be merciful?

KM: Yep. Night.

God: Good night, Neel.

KM: What would I have to do to get a heartful of the boner kind of love?

God: I’ve already said good night. Now turn off the light.

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Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle

Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle
Pope dreams of Jesus in the middle

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, what’s the silly old coot banging on about here? I’m thinking that he might be asking a bit much. What do you think?

God: He’s asking you to remember to make Jesus an ongoing part of your life.

KM: Yeah, but I really don’t have much control over who shows up in my dreams.

God: He means dreams as in plans.

KM: He said dreams “and” plans, not dreams “as in” plans.

God: You’re being unusually pedantic tonight, Neel.

KM: A dream without a plan can end up turning into a nightmare.

God: What?

KM: I just thought of it. As a cool thing for a motivational guru to say. I bet someone’s already said it.

God: Have you been toking on the old wacky tobaccy tonight, Neel?

KM: I think the term is wacky baccy. And no, not yet. He said plans and dreams twice. So he must think they’re different, otherwise he’s just farted out a double redundancy.

God: This isn’t feeling like a good use of my time, Neel.

KM: Fair enough. Can we boil it down to him saying, make Christ the centre of all your plans?

God: At last. Not so difficult was it?

KM: If my plan was to get married and have children, that’d be a bit off though, wouldn’t it?

God: I don’t know what you mean.

KM: Well, me and my future wife with Jesus in the middle. Like in a threesome. I don’t really want to have that dream.

God: You’re being far too literal.

KM: When I dream about threesomes, it’s two-girl threesomes. I definitely don’t want some bearded, sandal-wearing hippy showing up. That’d be a serious cock block.

God: Are you deliberately trying to annoy me?

KM: By calling Jesus a cock blocker? No way. If I was trying to annoy you I would have called him a fuck deductor.

God: Ha, ha. Very not funny.

KM: So it’s okay if Christ’s in the next room, rather than right at the centre of the plan or dream?

God: If that makes it easier for you to understand, sure. Is that it for tonight?

KM: Can I just ask one more question?

God: Just a quick one.

KM: Did Jesus ever have a threesome?

God: Go to sleep, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces)

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Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces)

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this one where the Pope tweets about hate, darkness, love, hope and human faces (not faeces).

God: Why did you bring faeces into it? Shock value?

KM: Yeah. And because the Pope has been known to talk about being sexually aroused by faeces, but there’ll be another post about that.

God: So what’s your problem with this one? Seems pretty uncontroversial.

KM: I haven’t seen much hate and darkness recently. Should I look for some so that I can bring love and hope?

God: Well… it’s usually not a good idea to go looking for trouble, so maybe that’s not what the Pontiff meant.

KM: I’m pleased to hear that. I mean I’ll still bring love and hope if I do stumble upon some hate in the darkness.

God: That’s good to hear.

KM: I do wonder about one thing though.

God: What’s that, Neel?

KM: I know that love and hope are human attributes, but hate is too isn’t it? I mean animals don’t hate do they?

God: It’s a side of humanity that needs to be discouraged and defeated.

KM: Why did you make humans capable of so much hate?

God: I didn’t make it that way. I gave humanity free will. Humanity made hate common.

KM: Sounds like a bit of a cop out to me. But never mind. I think the Pope’s a bit confused saying that love and hope will give society a more human face. Isn’t society a perfect reflection of humanity already? A warts and all sort of human face.

God: Perfect and imperfect both.

KM: By perfect, I didn’t mean good. I meant accurate.

God: Ah, right. But it doesn’t explain why different societies are so very different.

KM: The main differences seem to be in the way they relate to you.

God: Oh, you think?

KM: Especially in the case of the ones where they’re prepared to kill each other on the basis of how they relate to you.

God: I think you might be getting a wee bit off the track there, Neel. It’s very late, you must be tired.

KM: You’re the one that started that idea.

God: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

God: Phew!

KM: Sorry? Did you say something?

God:

 

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Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love

Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of lovePope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Have you seen this one where the Pope pontificates on marriage, difficult moments and the path of love? Why does the Pope think he knows so much about marriage?

God: The Pope is a very wise man.

KM: Yeah, I know. But he doesn’t have much experience in this area.

God: The Pope’s married to the Church.

KM: For sure. I know that. But isn’t he talking about marriage in the man woman, romantic love sense?

God: Yes, it seems like it.

KM: That’s an area he doesn’t have much experience in, does he?

God: Of course he doesn’t have experience in that sort of thing. What do you mean by much?

KM: Point taken. It’s unlikely that he’s had any sort of intimate experience with an adult woman.

God: I think that’s a given, but your phrasing seems to have implications.

KM: You’ve got to admit that sex scandals involving priests and adult women are almost unheard of. Whereas priests and children…

God: Neel, the Pope hasn’t been accused of anything.

KM: Why would any man with a normal, healthy level of sexual desire for adult women ever become a priest?

God: I was about to say Christ knows, but in fact he doesn’t.

KM: They made up the celibacy rules for themselves. Prima facie evidence of the sexual appetites of the priesthood.

God: I think you’re getting off the topic.

KM: Did you ever give any pope or priest any indication that you wanted them to make up rules that contradicted the natural behaviour of the human creature you so intelligently designed?

God: No, I didn’t.

KM: So they just decided for themselves that’s what they wanted to do?

God: Yes, Neel, now are we going to talk about the Pope’s tweet or not?

KM: You’ve got to admit that if you had an organization of men with unsociable sexual desires, the priesthood would have to be the best false flag organization you could imagine.

God: I’ll give you that.

KM: Thanks, God. Right, back to the tweet. I understand the bit about difficult moments, but is he saying that all difficult moments are like Jesus’ experiences on the Cross?

God: Didn’t he say experiences of the Cross?

KM: Yeah, you’re right… But I thought the experience of the Cross was the ultimate sacrifice made by you and Jesus for us all, which is not really in the same league as flushing the toilet when someone’s in the shower is it?

God: I’m not certain about this but I think he might be alluding to the Cross as in a marriage reaching a crossroads, and when you continue the journey together, the path is stronger.

KM: Uh… okay…

God: Is there anything else?

KM: Ah, no…  I think I’ll just let this one go through to the keeper. Thanks for your help.

God: Through to the keeper?

KM: Don’t they play cricket in heaven?

God: Sporting events that produce winners, also produce losers. There no losers in heaven.

KM: Well that sucks. Night, God.

God: Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

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Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! What do you think about this? The Pope says faith is given to us in and through the Church. We wouldn’t have faith without the Church giving it to us.

God: Is there a problem with that?

KM: Not with the words. They actually make sense for a change. Just a bit surprised at the bare-faced admission that without indoctrination people wouldn’t believe. I sure as hell wouldn’t have thought about going to church on my own. Certainly not as a child.

God: Which is exactly why it’s important for the Church to give the faith to children.

KM: So you’re saying if people weren’t indoctrinated as children most of them wouldn’t find faith at all?

God: I think we’re all in agreement on that, Neel.

KM: Even if a flock of faithful believers is what you want, can’t you see that indoctrination is wrong? It’s just another word for brainwashing.

God: At least it’s brain washing, Neel. Implanting nice clean thoughts. It’s not brain dirtying.

KM: What’s the point of giving free will to humans if your agents down here try to reprogram young minds into unquestioning belief? Do you really want armies of unthinking little clones running around doing your bidding?

God: That’s not what happens though, is it, Neel?

KM: Not to everybody, no. Thank, Christ.

God: You’re welcome.

KM: You know that’s not what I meant. Your priests take the uncluttered young minds of children and fill them with all sorts of  awful thoughts that they wouldn’t otherwise have, and certainly wouldn’t miss if they didn’t have them. A whole lot of guilt and fear. For what? To increase the numbers of the flock to make ever-increasing donations to build cathedrals of gold?

God: Priests don’t fill kids with guilt and fear.

KM: Oh, come on. Of course they do. All the tales of damnation and the fires of hell. If you’re bad you’ll be tortured for eternity. And to make it worse they’re told that God can read their minds, so just thinking naughty thoughts can make them terrified. It’s a form of child abuse. All Catholic kids get the mental child abuse, the unlucky ones also get the sexual abuse to go with it. And the priests that abuse them use the fear of God to keep them silent.

God: Sexual abuse is a whole other topic, Neel. Let’s stay on point. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Indoctrination is part of the process. Faith will help build them back up and make them stronger.

KM: After you’ve torn them down. Couldn’t you just give the gift of faith to adults?

God: Doesn’t tend to work as well.

KM: Oh really? And why do you think that is?

God: You know why, Neel. Young minds haven’t the experience to judge what’s real. Young minds are easier to make believe.

KM: Make believe. Exactly. Fairy tales for instance. Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. Kids gobble that shit up. Adults not so much.

God: If it hasn’t been drummed in early, people are less likely to believe in something without evidence.

KM: So why not just give them the evidence?

God: It’s not as easy as that.

KM: Why not? Why not just part the clouds and shout down at everybody, “Listen up. Here’s the gift of faith. Use it. Be faithful. Stop being bad!” And close the clouds again.

God: That’s not how I work.

KM: I know that, but I don’t understand why. If you decided it was a good idea to show yourself a couple of thousand years ago, why’s it a bad idea now?

God: You’re not meant to understand why, Neel. You’re just meant to believe. If I explained everything to you, it wouldn’t be mysterious would it?

KM: No but it might make sense.

God: But I work in mysterious ways.

KM: That you do.

God: So, have faith, Neel. Accept the gift.

KM: Yeah, fucking lovely gift. Blind faith. Mental slavery. Might as well say it out loud since you say you can read my mind.

God: It’s still bad manners. Good night, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God. Night, Santa. Night, tooth fairy. And thank Christ that none of you exist.

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Pope says God’s forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Pope says God's forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Pope says God’s forgiveness is stronger than any sin

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there?

God: Of course, Neel, as always. What’s on your mind?

KM: This old tweet from the old coot’s like a get out of hell free card. You think that’s a good idea?

God: What are you talking about, Neel?

KM: He’s saying that no sin is as strong as your forgiveness. So therefore you can do anything you like, genocide for example, knowing full well that if you step into a confessional afterwards, you’ll walk out with a clear slate.

God: I don’t think that’s the message he’s trying to get across.

KM: But it is what he’s saying. Why not go a step further and confess in advance? That way if you happen to be gunned down by the cops in the middle of a killing spree you’ll still go to heaven.

God: He definitely didn’t say that.

KM: It almost amounts to the same thing. If you know you’ll be forgiven, you can do anything you want. Heaven’s going to be full of real assholes when they twig to this.

God: I don’t think that’ll happen.

KM: We’ll see. New question. Once you’ve forgiven a sin, that’s it isn’t it? It’s not like being on parole where if you commit another sin you can add the old ones on top of the new sentence.

God: When a sin is forgiven, that, as you say, is it.

KM: And you can forgive any sin, regardless of how bad it is?

God: Provided the sinner repents and asks for forgiveness, yes. You’re not planning on committing a grave sin, are you Neal?

KM: Of course not. Can you hear the screams of the sinners in hell?

God: Yes.

KM: So you can hear their prayers as well?

God: People in hell don’t pray. They’re too busy dealing with pain and flames and the devil to even think about praying.

KM: So the last chance you get is if you see the gates of hell and you realise that’s where you’re going?

God: Pretty much.

KM: Will a last minute prayer be enough to do the job?

God: The job?

KM: Avoiding hell and going to heaven instead.

God: A sincere prayer for forgiveness will always be answered. Just don’t make the mistake of relying on that though. If you die when you’re not expecting it or while you’re unconscious…

KM: That’s why I always talk to you before I go to sleep.

God: But you don’t ask for forgiveness.

KM: Goes without saying. Just assume that I do and forgive me every day, okay?

God: That’s almost like your idea of forgiving in advance of a serious crime.

KM: You and your followers have so many bloody silly rules why can’t I have this one?

God: Fair enough. You’re forgiven.

KM: Woo hoo. Where’s Pascal incidentally? Is he with you up there? Did that work out for him?

God: No, he’s in hell. Silly bugger, at the last minute he changed Gods, picked the wrong one.

KM: Good. Serves him right.

God: I know. It made me laugh and laugh. Lying there on his death bed he started to panic. Changed his chosen God four times in his last ten minutes.

KM: He must be kicking himself.

God: He sure is. With a big spiky boot that goes all the way up his ass every time. He screams and screams.

KM: Nice.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: Night, God.

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