Spouse of Mary aka St Joseph the Cuckold
Kneeling Man: Oi, God, your boy’s on fire today. Jamming a whole shitload of piss-takes into one little tweet.
God: What are you talking about, Neel?
KM: Best wishes to fathers?
God: Yeah, and?
KM: Well he wasn’t a father was he, old Joseph? He was a cuckold. Catholic doctrine preaches the perpetual virginity of Mary, despite conflicting reports of siblings, so he’s clearly taking the piss.
God: It’s Father’s Day in Italy.
KM: Really? They conflate St Joe the Cuckold Day with Father’s Day and expect nobody to notice how stupid that is?
God: They do get away with a lot. Besides he didn’t actually say Joseph was a father. He said, “And best wishes to fathers!”
KM: Good spotting. Either way, he’s still taking the piss. St Joseph? That’s a piss-take in its own right. Sainthood for dying in the arms of Jesus and Mary? The patron saint of a happy death? Everybody dies. But he gets to be a saint for dying nicely? Jesus wept.
God: I’m sure he did.
KM: Next up, Patron of the Universal Church? What the hell does that mean? Is that like the Miss Universe contest? Everybody knows there’s no universal church. There’s three or four thousand bloody silly religions on this one little planet alone.
God: The simplicity of unity helps believers to believe.
KM: Lift your game, God. That’s the sort of nonsense charlatans like the Pope and Deepak come up with.
God: It may sound like papal bull but it actually makes sense.
KM: Okay, fine. But we’re up to three piss-takes in one tweet so far. And there’s still one more to come. May the saint of peaceful death bless you and watch over you.
God: Why’s that a piss-take?
KM: Well even if the death saint’s blessing doesn’t actually bring death, which it sounds like it should, he’s the last one I’d want watching over me. He couldn’t even keep an eye on his missus.
God: Yep, fair point.
KM: Do you think he might’ve been impotent? No Viagra back then, was there?
God: Not the sort of thing they really talked about was it?
KM: Plenty of topics were off limits, that’s for sure. Finally, a serious question.
God: Go on.
KM: Why are they so keen on venerating virgins? If you take that to its logical conclusion and everybody decided to be perfectly holy, meaning virgins, the result would be the extinction of humanity. How stupid’s that?
God: It’s a good thing humanity has an aversion to logical conclusions.
KM: And logic in general. Amen to that, big boy.
God: Night, Neel. Try not to drink so much.
KM: How else am I meant to make sense of it?