Not Very Intelligent Design in heaven?
Kneeling Man: Oi, God! Does your will being done on earth, as it is in heaven, include Not Very Intelligent Design in heaven?
God: An insult with your very first question? That’s not very nice, Neel. Had a tough day?
Kneeling Man: Nothing five or six drinks can’t take the edge off. How old are my grandparents?
God: Is this a trick question? We both know they died a long time ago.
KM: Yeah, but how old are they in heaven? Are they old like I remember them? Or are they in their twenties? Or maybe they’re just kids. Do people get to decide how old they’d like to be in heaven?
KM: God? You still there? If everyone’s in their twenties what’s to stop you trying to hook up with your great great great great grandmother? That’d put a kink in the continuum.
God: There’s no such thing as age in heaven.
KM: Really? So how do people look? Young or wrinkly?
God: People don’t have physical characteristics in heaven.
KM: So why do you look like an old man in all the pictures?
God: I’m God. Those rules don’t apply to me.
KM: Do any rules apply to you?
God: Yes and no.
KM: God, I hate that answer.
God: I mean yes the rules apply, but I make up the rules, and I can change them, so in that sense, no.
KM: Moving on. You’re saying we’re designed in your image for life on earth (a Not Very Intelligent Design in my opinion), but we’re not designed in your image for life, or whatever it’s called, in heaven. Seems like the wrong way round don’t you think?
God: Mysterious ways, Neel, that’s how I roll. I’m going to ignore the blatant plug for your blasphemous book.
KM: You mean my new book, Not Very Intelligent Design?
KM: How will I recognise my grandparents if they don’t look like they used to? If they don’t look like anything?
God: There’ll be a spiritual connection, Neel.
KM: Where would that come from? We hardly even knew them. We used to hate going to visit them. It was a really long way, winding roads, all the kids got car sick. It was like going to the wicked witch’s house. It smelled of old people. When we arrived grandma would plant big slobbery horrible kisses on us which we couldn’t wipe off fast enough. Why would there be a spiritual connection?
God: You won’t have to spend time with them if you don’t want to, Neel. It’s heaven. You get to do whatever you want. You enjoy yourself all the time. It’s great.
KM: What if their idea of enjoyment includes spending time with me?
KM: God? You still there? God?
God: They’ll get to enjoy spending time with you, without you actually having to be there.
KM: They’ll be tricked into thinking they’re spending time with me, even though I won’t be there? So it’s just smoke and mirrors.
God: There are different versions of heaven for different people.
KM: Sounds like you’re making shit up as we go along here.
God: Isn’t that what we do?
KM: Is dirty old Uncle Johnny up there?
God: The kiddy fiddler? Of course not.
KM: But he repented, made peace with God. Then he went to church every Sunday. The priest forgave him. Are you saying the priest’s forgiveness doesn’t count?
God: He might be in Catholic heaven.
KM: There’s more than one heaven?
God: There can be as many as you like, Neel. As many as you can imagine. For some people, heaven’s all classical music and wispy goodness with not a trace of sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. For others, there’s wine in abundance, mile long rails of coke and hordes of randy virgins, who happen to be quite expert at the sex act, despite their lack of experience.
KM: So you’re saying heaven exists only in people’s imagination?
God: Where else are you going to find it? You don’t have any trouble imagining it’s not there do you?
God: And other people find it easy to imagine it is there. A loose concept of heaven keeps everybody happy.
KM: You’ve just admitted that everything about heaven is imaginary.
God: So what? It’s what you believe isn’t it?
KM: I come to you for an argument, God, not meek acquiescence.
God: Perhaps if you get some rest, you’ll be able to imagine me as a more cantankerous old bugger next time.
KM: Knight God!
God: If you like. Night, Sir Neel.