Not Very Intelligent Design Too : Planet Earth
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Bulgarian rain, day drinking, and gullible morons
Kneeling Man: Oi, God!
God: Hello, Neel.
KM: I’ve got another real life spy story from my new book, Not Very Intelligent Design Too: Planet Earth.
God: Real life like the last one, meaning complete bullshit?
KM: That’s right, real, like the infallible word of God in your book. In fact my book is quite a lot like your book, in that it sort of looks like it might be about something serious, but it’s really just full of stuff that someone made up.
God: I’m here to answer your questions, Neel, not to be insulted about my good book. Or to be used for promotional purposes.
KM: Do you ever tell that to your mega church charlatans?
God: They don’t seem to speak my language. In fact what is that noise that comes out of their mouths?
KM: Speaking in tongues? It’s the essence of laziness. They can’t even be bothered making shit up. They discovered they can just blurt out noise and people will give them money. Unbelievable.
God: The believers find it believable.
KM: Christ knows how anyone could find it even vaguely plausible.
God: He thinks it’s because they’re gullible morons.
KM: Aha! At last we have something in common. We both think mega church congregations are gullible morons.
God: I didn’t say that.
KM: Yes you did. At least the Christ part of you did.
God: What’s the spy story about?
KM: Assassinations, professional idiocy, Bulgarian umbrellas, that sort of thing. But you already know that don’t you Mr Omniscient? Just keen to change the subject from gullible morons in mega churches.
God: It’s hard to get good help, Neel.
KM: So who are your best followers?
God: Best?
KM: The ones that aren’t gullible morons, or sociopathic killers. You know, the ones that aren’t extremists. The best in terms of decent human beings?
God: Well… lets see… The Catholics have a bit of a chequered past…
KM: You think? Chequered implies there were good bits in between the inquisition, the torturing, the witch burning and the pedophilia. What were the good bits?
God: All the really bad stuff was the priests. The followers were all right.
KM: Really? They didn’t join in any light persecution anywhere? Any recreational dunking just for a few laughs? No sing-song around the bonfires?
God: I might have to get back to you on that.
KM: Okay. Let’s leave the Catholics for now. So who are your best?
God: …
KM: God?
God: Can I get back to you on that too?
KM: Sure. Night, God.
God: Sleep well, Neel.
Unsavory behavior, vodka and death in the afternoon
On August 14th 1981, CIA double agent Boris Korczak was shopping at Giant Food Store in Vienna, Virginia when he was shot with a pellet gun by undercover KGB agent, Busta Nutzak. It’s still unknown whether a Bulgarian umbrella was the disguise of choice for the KGB weapon as Nutzak has never publicly commented on the incident, and the weather on the day, whilst cloudy, was mostly dry. Korczak did not recall seeing either Nutzak or an umbrella in the shop that day.
It may seem unusual to use the phrase, “luckily he was shot in the sweetbreads”, as in most cases that’d likely be damn near as painful as a gut shot, but in this case it’s true. Korczak reported that he thought he’d been stung by a bee. The ricin loaded pellet was about the size of the head of a small pin. It lodged in Korczak’s left kidney, which contained the poison and stopped it spreading to other parts of his body. Korczak’s kidney sak treated the pellet as if it were a kidney stone and expelled it in the usual way, thus conferring on Korczak the unique position of being the only human to have ever pissed ricin and lived to tell the tale.
Korczak had been such a successful double agent that he’d risen to the rank of Major in the KGB, a rank that came with a decent salary, but one that he wasn’t allowed to keep as he was deemed to be earning the wage in his capacity as an employee of the CIA. This was not his only beef with his Chief of Station however, as it was during a reception held at the Soviet Embassy in Copenhagen, Denmark in November 1979 that Korczak’s boss nailed a few too many vodka shots and blew his cover.
Robert E Beauregard Stanley III was known for three things. His braggadocios behavior, his inability to hold his liquor, and his overwhelming stupidity. Alone, he would not have passed the entrance test for janitorial services at Langley, but money talks in all branches of government, so his powerful family saw to it that he rose quickly through the ranks of the CIA. It had been calculated by his superiors that he wouldn’t be able to do a huge amount of damage sitting behind a desk in Copenhagen, but that calculation proved to be incorrect.
Believing he was being taunted by a KGB officer at the Soviet reception, Bobby “No Regard” Stanley, laughed in the KGB officer’s face as he told him that one of his top agents, Major Boris Korczak, was, and always had been, a CIA agent. Stanley’s defense when confronted with this huge intelligence blunder was that it never happened, as he had absolutely no recall of the conversation. The no recall part was almost certainly true given how many vodka shots he’d nailed at the reception, on top of the “more than a few brewskis” he’d downed with Timmy, Squi and PJ earlier that afternoon.
When Stanley learned that he was likely to spend the rest of his CIA career in a basement at Langley, he immediately retired to the family estate near Selma, Alabama. Stanley swore that vodka would never again pass his lips, but he apparently failed to keep his word one last time as his body was found face down in a pool of vomit surrounded by empty liquor bottles, two of which were Stolichnaya. Police found no evidence of foul play although Sergeant Dan McClatchy commented, off the record, that there was plenty of evidence of foul behavior.
