Monkeys in the Image of God
Kneeling Man: Oi, God, Ken’s hamming it up again. I think he doth protest a bit much. I mean a quick glance at Ken Ham’s face is enough to see the family resemblance. If you didn’t make Monkeys in the image of God, why did you make Ken Ham look like a monkey? Or an ape, if we’re going to be picky. Cornelius in particular. You don’t need to answer that. But you could have avoided the confusion about man being special or not. Why didn’t you make us unique? As in, having no common DNA with anything else?
God: That would be too easy.
KM: Too easy? You know what I say when a waiter says too easy? I say hold on. Come back here. Too easy, huh? Too fucking easy? Well excuse me. In that case I’ll change my order. I’ll have the honey baked salmon instead.
Sir, I don’t think we have salmon on the menu tonight.
Perfect. So it won’t be too easy. I want a fresh salmon. And by fresh I mean wade into the fucking river and grab one and bring it straight back here still flapping. Still too easy? I want it from that part of the river where all the grizzlies catch theirs. Still too easy, dickhead? Before catching the salmon I want you to cover your naked body in fresh honey by diving head first into a large active beehive. Still too easy?
No, sir. Not easy at all.
Excellent. One more thing.
Sir?
Hurry up.
God: Neel, have you been drinking?
KM: Of course I’ve been fucking drinking. Look at the state of this fucking lunatic planet I have to live on. The most powerful man in the world has a mental age of nine. And he’s a narcissistic bully. Who can’t read. And thinks television ratings are more important than doing his fucking job. Wouldn’t you drink?
God: Fair point.
KM: What’s the wine like in Heaven?
God: The best. Beautiful flavours, with a high like heroin and opium put together and no hangover. But let’s not digress.
KM: Did you just lick your lips?
God: You think I’m not susceptible to suggestion? I made you in my image.
KM: You’re an alcoholic?
God: Not all men are alcoholics.
KM: Okay. But if you made man in your own image does that mean you’re 98.8% monkey?
God: Perhaps I will have that drink.
KM: Or 70% jellyfish?
God: Now you’re being silly.
KM: Well I have had a few.
God: Might be time you hit the sack then, Neel.
KM: I still noticed that you evaded every question.
God: I answered the questions, Neel. In mysterious ways.
KM: Like always. You’d make a good politician.
God: You want to be struck by lightning?
KM: I dare you!
God: Good night, Neel.
