Question for God from Helen


Question for God from Helen

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! You there? I have a question for God from Helen. It’s a bit of a curly one.

God: Curly like a pig’s tail?

KM: Sort of. In that it’s to do with Jews and Muslims. What’s with that whole anti-bacon thing anyway?

God: Is that the question?

KM: No. Sorry. The question is, “Why did you bequeath the bulk of the world’s oil to the Muslims? I thought the Jews were your chosen people.”

God: Well the chosen people all depends on who’s talking.

KM: So the Jews aren’t your chosen people?

God: If they believe they are then they are. A lot of religions feel that way.

KM: Really?

God: Of course. Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, Rastafarians, Muslims. You name it. There are thousands of them. You can’t really be a believer unless you believe that your faith is the one true faith.

KM: Makes sense. So what about the oil then?

God: Oil wasn’t important back then.

KM: But you must have known it’d become important?

God: Well, yeah, sure.

KM: So why did you put so much of it in one place? Specifically, under the Muslims?

God: There weren’t any Muslims when I put the oil there.

KM: Oh, yeah. I hadn’t thought about that. But you must have known…

God: Besides I didn’t put it all there. It’s all over the place. It’s just that the easy to find stuff was found there first.

KM: So it wasn’t favouritism?

God: I’ve already given you two reasons why it wasn’t.

KM: Still seems a bit unfair.

God: Life isn’t fair, Neel. That’s a lesson everyone needs to learn. And besides if people hadn’t been so stupid and slow to get onto solar power the whole oil thing wouldn’t have been anything like such a big deal.

KM: Stupid or vested interests?

God: Fair point. Both really. Electric motors were invented about the same time as internal combustion engines. From that point on you guys stuffed it up. You can’t blame everything on me.

KM: Fair enough. Okay. Thanks, God.

God: You’re welcome, Neel.

Not Very Intelligent Design at Amazon.com

Back to Oi, God!

The Ten Commandments – thirty five percent useful

The Ten Commandments - thirty five percent useful

The Ten Commandments – thirty five percent useful

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! I was talking to some people the other day about the Ten Commandments. A few questions came up.

God: Uh huh.

KM: Firstly the Bible says that you carved them in stone, on two tablets. Is that true?

God: Sort of. I didn’t personally carve them, but I caused them to be carved.

KM: So Moses carved them?

God: People like Moses.

KM: And they’re your exact words?

God: A little bit always gets lost in translation.

KM: But they’re basically your ten commandments.

God: Yes, Neel. What were the questions?

KM: My friend said that he thought making the first four all about needing to praise you was a bit, how can I put this without sounding too critical… narcissistic?

God: I admit it may seem a little bit that way.

KM: But you are God, the only god, so what’s the point of saying we must not pray to any other gods?

God: Back in the day, people were praying to all manner of gods. Zeus, Thor, Neptune. The Aztecs were dragging young virgins up pyramids and cutting their hearts out. So it was pretty important to get across the one single god idea so that all that nonsense would stop.

KM: Right. Fair enough. I hadn’t really looked at it that way. Let’s move on to number five.

God: Honour thy father and thy mother.

KM: Exactly. Seems a bit redundant to me.

God: Why’s that, Neel?

KM: Well everybody I know with decent parents loves them and honours them anyway. They don’t need to be commanded to do it. But if your parents had sold you into child slavery for example, having to honour them as a pre-condition for getting into Heaven seems a bit tough. They wouldn’t really deserve to be honoured would they?

God: Once again, times have changed. Sometimes fathers had to sell daughters just to make ends meet.

KM: Okay. Well let’s leave that for now and move on to tablet two.

God: Commandment number six. Thou shalt not kill.

KM: That’s a good one. Nobody had any problem with that. One hundred percent approval.

God: You’re saying I’m one for six in your friends’ eyes right now?

KM: Pretty much. Let’s go to number seven.

God: Thou shalt not commit adultery.

KM: As a general concept it’s fine, but to be written in stone sort of implies no exceptions, don’t you think?

God: It does have that about it.

KM: What about a young woman, newly married, husband goes off to war, doesn’t return. Probably dead, but nobody knows for sure. Does she have to stay celibate for the rest of her life?

God: That’s a curly one.

KM: But the same commandment means that a fifty year old man, who bought a nine year old girl from the father we talked about earlier, commits no crime when he sleeps with her. Even though he’s effectively bought a sex slave.

God: It’s hard to write things that perfectly fit all examples for all time on two tablets of stone, Neel. Twitter gives you more space than that and you know what happens there.

KM: Fair point. Thou shalt not steal. Another winner.

God: Two for eight?

KM: Two and a half for eight. Half a point for adultery.

God: Gee thanks.

KM: Thou shalt not bear false witness. That’s fine. Three and a half for nine.

God: Commandment number ten. Thou shalt not covet. How did that go?

KM: Not well. It’s pretty hard not to look at a neighbour’s new Corvette and not admire it. We figured that coveting was merely human nature. So long as you have no plan to act on it, then it’s not really a carved-in-stone level of sin.

God: Half a point?

KM: Nah, sorry. Final score, three and a half out of ten.

God: Well, Neel, as I said before, times change. If I was going to write ten commandments today, they wouldn’t be quite the same.

KM: Why don’t you? Isn’t it about time? I mean you could use those other six and a half commandments for things that didn’t make the cut last time. Like rape, child abuse, slavery, physical assault, starting wars…

God: Thou shalt not discriminate for reason of race, tribe, gender, sexual orientation, religious belief, or lack of…

KM: Exactly! Freedom of speech… not trying to impose your beliefs on others…

God: I hear you Neel, and I am working on it. But I don’t want to carve anything in stone until I’m sure it’s right. Be a shame to rush into it, look what happened last time. And knowing how critical you and your friends can be…

KM: Sorry about that God, just trying not to bear false witness.

God: Good work, Neel. Sleep well.

KM: Night. God.

Not Very Intelligent Design at Amazon.com

Back to Oi, God!

Meaning to my life here on earth

Meaning to my life here on earth
Meaning to my life here on earth

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, I don’t understand why he tweeted this. Jesus gives meaning to my life here on earth?

God: What’s to understand, Neel? It makes perfect sense to me.

KM: It’s just stating the bleeding obvious isn’t it?

God: He’s reiterating his faith.

KM: Sure, but without Jesus, he wouldn’t even have a job, let alone meaning.

God: Which is exactly what he’s saying.

KM: And hope for the life to come. Hope? A bit weak don’t you think? The whole selling premise of his organisation is that you’ll get the big payoff when you’re dead. It requires faith. Here he says he hopes for the life to come.  Hope? Hope is buying a lottery ticket. Faith is what makes people tithe ten percent. But the big kahuna can only muster hope? Sad.

God: You’re playing with words, Neel.

KM: Theologians play with words. In fact it’s pretty much all they do.

God: That’s one way of looking at it.

KM: You don’t think he’s implying there’s a possibility of Jesus not being there?

God: Not being where?

KM: Anywhere.

God: You’re not doubting your faith are you, Neel?

KM: Ha ha, good one. I’m just wondering whether the Pope might be doubting his. You know like Mother Teresa. What with all his talk of coprophagia and things.

God: I thought we agreed you shouldn’t think about that.

KM: I’ve been trying not to, but it’s like a bloody annoying Abba song that just won’t go away.

God: Which one?

KM: Cut that out. You know it’s all of them. Don’t you dare start humming.

God: I was tempted.

KM: Yeah, but don’t. Please. Anyway, I just thought if you were going to say something to ten million people you might perhaps put a bit more work into it.

God: He tweets every day pretty much. You can’t expect them all to be gems.

KM: That’d be a miracle wouldn’t it? If every single one was just, wham, knock your socks off brilliant?

God: Yes it would. Anyway, don’t you need to get some sleep?

KM: Yeah, I do. By the way, could you tell me something about the last miracle?

God: What do want to know?

KM: What was it? What actually happened? When and where? And what was the outstanding thing that made it a miracle, something that couldn’t happen according to the laws of nature?

God: I like you, Neel. Always trying to push back the curtain of mystery. Sleep well.

KM: Night, God.

Not Very Intelligent Design at Amazon.com

Back to Oi, God!

God is working, winter always gives way to spring

God is working Winter always gives way to spring
God is working, winter always gives way to spring

Kneeling Man: Oi, God, you there? I hope I’m not interrupting you.

God: Of course not, Neel. Why would you say that?

KM: Well, that smarmy-faced bullshitter Joel Osteen said you’re working.

God: I’m always working, Neel. Even now. This is what I do.

KM: Of course you are. Silly old me.

God: No problem, Neel. Something I can help you with?

KM: According to the grinning charlatan’s tweet, God is working, winter always gives way to spring. Given that everything he talks about leads to him asking for money, aren’t you a bit pissed that he’s exploiting the change of seasons to fleece the gullible? Besides the season’s only just changed.

God: I think he’s speaking metaphorically. About things getting better for individuals.

KM: Yeah, himself especially, I get that, but you and I both know he’s full of shit.

God: Did you have a question?

KM: Yeah. Just out of interest, how much work do you have to do to get the seasons to change?

God: Well, that’s not a simple thing to quantify in terms a human could understand.

KM: I though it would be pretty much running on autopilot by now, you know with the planets just spinning round and the momentum basically doing all the work?

God: Well there is that. But someone has to keep an eye on it to make sure it’s working properly.

KM: So you have to give the old earth a bit of a nudge from time to time?

God: Sort of.

KM: Doesn’t that mess with satellites and space probes and things? Why don’t they end up flying all over the place?

God: It’s all done at once. Invisible hand sort of thing.

KM: Okay… So he’s not really telling the truth about you working to change the season at the right time?

God: I’m sure there’s meaning in what he says.

KM: I hope so. He makes enough money for saying it.

God: He sure does.

KM: Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Night, Neel. Sleep well.

Not Very Intelligent Design at Amazon.com

Back to Oi, God!

Faecal fantasies – Pope talks about getting sexually aroused by faeces

Pope ... sexually aroused by faeces?
Pope Frank … sexually aroused by faeces?

Sexually aroused by faeces

Kneeling Man: Oi, God! The Pope’s been talking about coprophagia.

God: Yes I saw that.

KM: What does it mean?

God: Why are you asking me? Didn’t you look it up?

KM: Yes, I did.

God: I know you did.

KM: Getting sexually aroused by faeces? I’d never heard of such a thing before. But the Pope seems to know all about it.

God: Knowledge is good.

KM: The Pope seems to think it’s quite a common thing. I didn’t even know it was a thing.

God: Then I’m sorry that you had to find out about it.

KM: Me too. It’s not the first time he’s talked about it either.

God: Really?

KM: In 2013 he said journalists risked becoming ill from their coprophilia, and that they could be fomenting coprophagia in their readers.

God: Uh huh.

KM: You don’t think he might be psychologically projecting do you?

God: I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you should be thinking about, Neel.

KM: I agree. Makes me feel sick. I hope he’ll stop talking about it.

God: Was there anything else, Neel?

KM: No, that’s it. Thanks, God. Good night.

God: Sleep well, Neel.

KM: If I can stop thinking about it I will.

km-50x50

Not Very Intelligent Design at Amazon.com

Back to Oi, God!